


My War Is Over

by Jadewing47



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Avenger Loki (Marvel), Battle, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Body Dysphoria, Deal With It, Eating Disorders, FrostIron - Freeform, Good Loki (Marvel), Hair Braiding, He'll come around, Hurt Loki (Marvel), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Insecure Loki (Marvel), Insecure Tony Stark, Jotunn Loki (Marvel), Jotunn | Frost Giant, Just wait for it, Loki (Marvel) Feels, Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loki Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Loki is freakishly powerful, Loki is innocent, Loki's Lips Sewn Shut (Marvel), M/M, Mild Smut, Mind Control, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Natasha is sweet to Loki, Nightmares, Odin's Bad Parenting (Marvel), POV Loki (Marvel), POV Tony Stark, PTSD, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Frigga (Marvel), Protective Natasha Romanov, Protective Tony Stark, Recovery, Relapsing, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Songfic, Suicidal Loki, Suicide Attempt, Switches POV Yet Still Makes Sense, Temporary Character Death, Thor is a Good Bro (Marvel), Thor is super guilty, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Torture, asshole clint barton, aw crap thats spelled with two "n"s? im gonna have to go back and edit now, bumpy recovery, but only later on, damaged seidr, fury is chill at first, he kinda gets sick, i think, im so sorry loki, it doesnt just get better, it might get kinda gross, it really doesnt work, its not a big theme but we do dip into it, its not...a pretty process though, like seriously he's gonna burn the world to the ground, loki is very insecure, loki thinks hes a monster, loki tries really hard to forget, lokis magic is damaged but it comes back, mentions of eating disorders, powerful tony, recovery is like a rollercoaster going up and down people and thats how its told here, so he does, so we're gonna talk about tony too, sometimes it gets worse, suppressed trauma, thanos - Freeform, thanos promised he'd come back, then he kinda looses his shit for a minute, there WILL be talk of loki's torture, tony and loki are both recovering together, tony puts him in his place, tony somehow knows what to do, tony thinks otherwise, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:46:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 24
Words: 49,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22833496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jadewing47/pseuds/Jadewing47
Summary: The Avengers wait for Loki to wake in his cell, but when he does, Tony comes to a realization. There's just something off about his eyes.Inspired by a song...started out as a song-fic but I completely forgot about the song later. :DOr, for a more detailed description:Though much too late, realizing that Loki was the innocent one was the easiest part of the puzzle. Getting a leg-up on SHEILD? No biggie. Falling in love with the god? Piece of cake.  It's uncovering all the scars, all the damage done to his broken heart that's hard. It's coaxing Loki out of his shell, it's teaching him that it's okay not to be okay. It's reuniting him with Thor that's hard.But Tony's going to do it. He has no idea how, or really why, and he knows he's probably not the best guy for the job, but he always likes a challenge, and he couldn't tear himself away from the god even if he wanted to. It's slow, it's bumpy, it's a rocky and ugly process. But it's healing, for both of them.WARNINGS: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, RAPE, TORTURE, and SELF HARM. If these will trigger you, please, please do not read!
Relationships: Loki/Tony Stark
Comments: 184
Kudos: 876





	1. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, RAPE, TORTURE, and SELF HARM. If these will trigger you, please, please do not read!
> 
> DISCLAIMERS:  
> I do not own any of the characters in this story, all rights to them go to Marvel.  
> Lyric credit goes to SYML's The War.

_Here stands a man_

_At the bottom of a hole a hole he's made_

_Still sweating from the rush_

_His body tense_

_His hands, they shake_

_Oh this, this is a mad boy_

oOo

Maybe it's the cold that finally wakes him from a dreamless sleep, far from rest, but the closest form of sleep Loki has been in years; drugs.

He isn't particularly fond of them. His mind is or was his greatest weapon. He cares not for the fogginess Midgardian drugs leave with him or the fact that he is unable to truly control himself when under their influence. Which he really should be used to, Loki muses, as he's been under the influence of Thanos for years. It's then, when his breaths start to come fast, body betraying him by trembling when he notices the borderline painful press of metal on his tongue; restricting its movement. This only drives Loki into a further panic, as perhaps they plan to sew his lips shut again. Loki struggles to take deep breaths, not wanting anyone to know of his plight. Surely, with this knowledge and the knowledge of his true biology, they would deliver him right back to Thanos and never turn their backs. He could handle Asgardian torture, but not Thanos.

Not again.

oOo

_Here stands a man_

_With a bullet in his clenched right hand_

_Don't push him son_

_For he's got the power to crush this land_

_Oh hear, hear him cry, boy_

oOo

"He's awake." came Natasha's clipped tone, startling the other Avengers. Eyes turned to the muzzled god, still laying on the floor of the cell where they had dumped him, the only noticeable difference now was the fallen god's harsh breathing.

"Loki." Thor's voice boomed, and the god's shoulders tensed by a fraction.

"Loki, we know you are awake. Get up." The thunder god continued. There was no "brother", only "Loki". Tony couldn't explain why that made him feel a bit sick, but he was sure his face was green when Loki finally did rise, slowly. Loki's face mirrored perfect sadness. He swayed slightly as he rose to his feet, yet straightened his posture as though afraid to be reprimanded for not, taking a few steps towards Thor. When he did so, Clint and Natasha drew their guns, and Loki froze. He seemed to be contemplating something, and Tony watched his eyes drift from longing to quiet despair. He stepped backward, though he seemed unsure of himself.

Tony was sure he'd seen that longing before.

"You will be returning with me to Asgard, Loki, where father will decide your fate." Thor declared. Tony watched, stupefied, as fear surged through Loki's eyes. His posture seemed to stiffen, as though bracing himself. It's just an illusion, a lie, he wants you to pity him until you drop your guard. But Tony couldn't help but doubt that...until he finally noticed what was amis. With that sudden revelation, he let out a scream of anger, taking in Loki's slight flinch and hating himself for it; hating the team.

_How were they such idiots?_

"Open the doors! Open the goddamn doors right now!" Tony screamed again. The others stared at him in slight suspicion, and Loki stared at him with dread. Tony knew that dread, he'd felt that dread. But it wasn't just that which enraged Tony. No, no. It was the green gaze that portrayed such emotion.

Fucking _green_ eyes.


	2. Chapter Two

"Tony, stop!" Natasha commanded, hand gripping her gun. Thor turned to face Loki, his face was red with anger.

"Loki stop! Release your control of Stark, or I shall make you!" He bellowed. Loki's face drained of color and he swayed on his feet, but he did nothing, and could not speak.

"Now Loki!" Thor banged his fist hard against the cell, and it promptly shattered. Clint drew his bow, pointing the arrow at Loki's neck, however, the Trickster did not move from his tense position.

"What kind of brother are you?" Tony shouted into Thor's face. The thunder god turned to him and frowned deeply, as though he didn't understand why Tony would ask such a thing.

"His eyes aren't weird like Clint's were..." Bruce said, trailing off at the end, but everyone heard him.

The room grew quieter.

"I asked, what _pathetic_ excuse of a brother are you?!" Tony shouted again, eyes wide and nostrils flaring. He couldn't remember being this angry in his life.

"Friend, if you are nay being controlled, I know not what you speak of..." Thor trailed off.

"How long have you lived with Loki, Thor?! How long?" Tony was waving his hands, left leg twitching slightly as he spared a glance at the trickster; still standing exactly where he was, though it looked like he might pass out at any given moment.

"I-" Thor was promptly cut off by Tony's next words.

"I pretty fucking long time I think."

"Aye, but-" Again he was cut off.

"Tony-" Steve began but was ignored.

"So how could you not remember what color his eyes are?"

A deadly silence filled the room, seizing its occupants in a chokehold, and remaining there. Thor stood, his mouth open slightly, eyes fixed on Tony with a mix of shock, confusion, and dread on his face. Clint had lowered his bow, Natasha her gun, and the rest of the Avengers stood in quiet horror, staring at Thor with disgust. It was when Loki crashed to his knees, a tormented whine emitting from his bound mouth, breaths coming in short gasps, that the silence was broken and Tony leaped into action, running through the barrier of broken glass and catching Loki before he fell further. Loki panicked, beginning to struggle in Tony's arms, pleading something that the surrounding Avengers could not make out. Tony did not relinquish his grip on the god's torso, and could not explain his sudden protective urge over Loki. Reaching behind his head, Tony unclasped the muzzle that covered the crying god's mouth. At that, Loki went scarily still.


	3. Chapter Three

Tony tossed the muzzle across the room, and Loki remained frozen. His eyes were blown wide with fear, yet he did not tremble.

"Hey, Reindeer Games, you with me?" Tony asked softly. When he was granted no response, Tony tried again.

"Hey, Lokes, talk to me." Tony tried again, shaking Loki gently. When he did not respond to that, Tony tried giving a soft pat to Loki's cheek. This granted him a reaction, but perhaps not the kind he wished.

"It's time, is it not?" Loki whispered, blinking suddenly, staring at the ground unmoving.

"Huh?" Tony's brow lifted.

"I will not struggle, I promise. Just please make it quick. I won't struggle...I-I promise." Loki trailed off, a hint of desperation in his voice.

"Loki, what are you talking about?" Tony asked, his hands never relinquishing their grip on the smaller god's torso.

"You are going to s-sew my lips shut again, are y-you not?" He asked, eyes glassy. Tony felt nauseous.

_You are going to sew my lips shut again._

_Again._

_Again._

Tony wanted to punch something, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Bruce go slightly green.

"No, no, no Lokes. Shit, we'd never do something like that. Fuck Loki, no!" Tony exclaimed. Loki sagged at that.

"Oh." Was all the fallen god offered in reply, before tensing up again and coughing. Scarlet speckles flew from his mouth and sprinkled Tony's shirt with color. Loki looked horrified, and his shaking increased.

"I'm sorry!" Loki practically squeaked, blood dribbling down the corner of his mouth.

"It's okay Lokes-" Tony started, but was cut off before he could finish.

"ENOUGH! I refuse to believe in tricks any longer! Loki is no longer my brother...I lost him long ago. But he _will_ face punishment for his crimes back in Asgard, I assure you!" Thor boomed, striding up towards Loki. Tony immediately put himself between the two, a need to protect the smaller god overpowering him. Perhaps it was the look in Loki's eyes. Tony remembered that look; he saw it every night he woke from a nightmare, sweat dripping down his neck and tears on his cheeks as he stared at his reflection in the mirror; eyes begging not to be harmed, begging for protection. He knew to a certain degree, how Loki felt, most likely more than anyone ever would, and he wanted to fix it.

Tony didn't want anyone else to suffer the way he did.

"No." Was all Tony said, a fire in his eyes as he stared all the other Avengers down. Thor opened his mouth to protest, but Steve came to the rescue, pulling the thunder god away, shaking his head slowly at Thor's wide eyes. Tony owed him one.

Turning back to Loki, he realized the god's eyes were drifting shut, ever so slowly.

"Hey, Lokes, don't pass out on me now. I just need you to stay awake a little longer, do that for me, kay?" Loki moaned but complied anyway. Tony draped the younger god's arm over his shoulder, and gently pulled him to his feet. Even with the support, Loki swayed, his knees shaking.

"Bruce!" Tony called, his voice getting slightly high as Loki's knees began to buckle. Tony's trusted science bro was suddenly at Loki's side, supporting him as well.

"Brucey, I need you to play doctor for Lokes here," Tony asked, beginning to half carry, half drag Loki to the guest floor.

Bruce rolled his eyes, "Tony I'm not that kind of Doctor...but I'll do my best." So the trek to the guest floor/new infirmary began.

Dignity be damned.


	4. Chapter Four

For the sixth time in the past three hours, Tony Stark emptied his stomach in the bathroom across from the infirmary. He'd seen many horrid sights before throughout his life; torture, rape, abuse, neglect, etc. but never before had he seen such an extent of things on the god across the hall from him. Tony blindly groped out for the roll of toilet paper and hastily wiped his face free from sweat. He rose shakily to his feet, gripping the sink for support, and rinsed out his mouth with cold water. He then made his way back to Loki, who had mercifully passed out about five minutes ago. Bruce was standing a few feet away from them, glaring at a set of scans with pure _rage_ in his eyes, the tips of his ears a dark green. He was taking huge, deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself.

"Bruce?" Tony tentatively called out, his steps halting as he reached his god. _His god,_ Tony's brain reminded him. As they had lead Loki into the infirmary, he had taken one look at the place before crumbling in their arms, a mess of tears and broken pleas for mercy. At that moment Tony had made a silent pledge to keep Loki safe. Loki was his, and no one would ever lay a sore finger on him again.

Bruce turned to face him, and tears were threatening the corners of his eyes, which were tinted slightly green.

"How could they...whoever did...he's...Tony, he should be dead." Bruce stuttered out, his fists shaking as he attempted to calm himself.

"Whoever the fuck did this, when I'm done with them they'll wish they'd never laid eyes on Loki," Tony growled, absentmindedly taking Loki's hand into his own.

"Tony, Fury wants a team meeting, he wants to "interrogate" Loki before sending him back to Asgard." Bruce murmured, "I...I can't...".

"I'll do it." Tony saved Bruce after some hesitation. Tony didn't want to leave Loki, but those bastards need to know who's the real bad guy here.

"I'll make sure he's okay while you're gone," Bruce said softly, giving Tony a long look. Tony nodded stiffly, giving Loki one last look before turning to leave.

* * *

When Tony walked through the black doors of the conference room, every Avenger went dead silent. Even Nick Fury paused midsentence, fixing Tony with an incredulous stare. On any other day, Tony would have been rolling on the floor laughing. He supposed a silent Tony Stark was a scary sight indeed. Tony could only imagine what his face looked like, as he had set it into an emotionless stare, though rage still burned in his eyes. Fury was the first to break the stony silence.

"Have a seat, Stark." He said, his face once more emotionless as ever.

"No. There is a Norse god several floors above us that erupted into a full-blown panic attack just at the sight of the infirmary. While he may be unconscious now, there is also a rage machine several floors up that is barely clinging to control over the extent of Loki's injuries, and I do not believe he will manage to cling to that control when Loki wakes up. So _excuse me_ , but I will not have a seat." Tony growled out, barely keeping the lid upon his rage. Fury's eyelid twitched. Steve shifted in his seat, while Clint swallowed thickly. Natasha seemed impassive as ever; only the slight shine of guilt could be noticed in her eyes. Tony did not think he could manage to look at Thor without blowing up.

"You wanted to talk? Well, make it quick." Tony snapped, his eyes narrowing at Fury as he handed Tony a small remote.

"Banner sent us the scans, and you were there. Explain." Fury snapped right back.

"I hope you peeps didn't have lunch," Tony muttered as he turned to the screen behind him, but everyone heard it.


	5. Chapter Five

The remote in Tony's hand was small, black with two dark grey buttons and an even darker one on the side for the shutdown. In a morbid way, Tony almost wanted to laugh. He had seen many things, remembered things, known things that any commonfolk would not have been able to handle. He knew the others had too, Natasha especially, though he knew very little about her early life. Still, Tony found himself almost chuckling, knowing the images and information just a tiny little grey button would soon unfold would be forever burned into his teammate's eyes, their guilt never leaving their souls, just after the touch of a little grey button. 

"I guess I'll start with the basics. According to the X-rays and scans, Loki has been tortured for roughly one year, judging by the date Thor gave us from when he fell from the impossible-colorful-magic-bridge," Tony began with a flat tone.

"There is not a single bone in his body that hs not been broken. Currently, his right wrist is fractured, along with numerous other healed breaks, with some bones providing evidence of multiple fractures. Bruce had to re-break three of Loki's ribs as they did not heal correctly and were dangerously close to puncturing his lungs again. I say again because both his lungs have evidence of poorly healed scar tissue from where they had been punctured either by his own ribs or a foreign object. Honestly, there are so many scars covering Loki's body...over 100. Some are old, some fresh, most are infected. The skin on his wrists...well it hardly exists, he's obviously pulled on whatever restraints he was in, as the same is true about his ankles. There are burn marks, mostly around his torso. Multiple stab wounds, I would say over 20. Extreme blood loss. He's very malnourished, around 40 pounds underweight, and severely dehydrated. There...there is evidence of multiple um, well he's been raped, a lot. Also extreme PTSD. I'm talking extreme. It's bad. And on top of that, he was obviously not allowed to sleep, whether that is intentional, forced, or both, I don't know. God or not, it's amazing he is alive. I have no idea what his mental state is, but I would say fucking, not good because it is plainly obvious that he was tortured, plainly obvious that some _shit_ happened in your stupid Ass-fucking-gard that scared him and from what I heard it _literally_ scared him, and on top of that I'm not even sure he was in control of his actions because his eyes are FUCKING GREEN NOT BLUE!"

By now Tony was screaming directly at Thor, face-to-face with the thunder god, cheeks crimson, anger blazing in his eyes. Then his voice when scarily calm, and he poked Thor's chest.

"Now you try and fucking tell me that Loki is playing a trick. Try, I fucking dare you. Try. Me." He growled, his eyes not once leaving Thor's. A heavy silence filled the room.

"That's what I thought. Now if you'll excuse me, and I don't give a shit if you don't, I have a god to tend to, because somehow I care more about him than his own brother, blood or not." Facing Fury, who looked rather sick, Tony gave a mock bow and snarled,

"Happy now?"


	6. Chapter Six

Thor stared in mute disbelief at the retreating form of Stark, his lips parted and his mouth dry. He rose slowly, ignoring the stares of the other Avengers as he walked to the screen in front of him, the Midgardian images of his little brother's broken body staring back at him. There was a cold numbness that filled his body as he raised a shaking hand to touch the image of Loki's face, covered in bruises and cuts, caked with dried blood and grime. He registers the Son of Rodgers mention something about mind control.

 _Mind Control_.

"We are fools." He murmured, turning slowly to face the others. The room quieted, yet Thor had not realized it had been loud. Natasha remained straight on her seat, her face slightly pale, arm resting on Clint's, who was leaning half over the table, eyes blazing and cheeks flushed. Thor quickly guessed he had been arguing with Steve, who was leaning back slightly, his face pale, eyes reflecting horror. Fury remained mostly impassive, yet his eyes burned with frustration. If possible, Thor's frown deepened. _Why would Fury be frustrated? Did he wish Loki evil?_

"Thor," Steve began, pity shining in his eyes.

"We are fools, yet I so much worse," Thor said again, head shaking slowly. He suddenly slammed his fist into the table, it splintered, collapsing into tinder on the floor, and Clint with it. Clint growled softly, picking himself up and brushing the dust from his clothes. He opened his mouth to speak, but Thor cut him off.

"Asgard is a planet where social status determines everything. To not be a warrior was...frowned upon. Loki never had any intention of becoming one. He spent his days in the library, studying all types of things along with his magic. I...I was a _fool_ and I sided with my friends, who were none too kind to him." Clint rolled his eyes.

"So he was bullied a bit, who cares? He tried to take an entire planet out! He brainwashed me into trying to kill everyone I care about!"Clint barked, rage clear in his tone.

"YOU DO NOT COMPREHEND MORTAL!" Thor bellowed, the fierce tone in his voice causing Clint to stumble back, Fury and Natasha reaching for their guns. Just as the rage had appeared, it was suddenly gone. Thor looked defeated, tired, and oh so guilty. His next words came as a mere whisper.

"Loki is a powerful sorcerer, and I dare say he is more powerful than my father, King of the Nine Realms. I am a _fool_ , as I did not care to think. If Loki wanted Midgard, he wouldn't even have to lift a finger, and the entire Nine Realms would crumble to dust at his feet. You _are_ like ants, myself included because we wouldn't even get a chance to fight, we would shatter like glass, kill ourselves trying to stop him, all the while Loki would not have even _broken a sweat."_

The room was dead silent. No one moved, except for Thor who slid to the floor, his head in his hands as he wailed, and no one stopped 


	7. Chapter Seven

_Don't you ever leave me alone_

_My war is over_

_Be my shelter from the storm_

_My war is over_

_I am a sad boy_

o0o

For a while, the broken debriefing room was silent save for Thor's tears. Fury was the first to break it.

"Are you telling me that if Loki decides he wants this planet or any planet, there is no way to stop him?" he asked slowly. Steve raised his head from it's bowed position.

"I guess we need to think of him as we should of Stark," Steve murmured, earning a few confused gazes in his direction.

"And what exactly is that supposed to mean?" Fury barked. Steve sighed, rising from his chair and beginning to pace the room as he spoke.

"I mean, I've been down in his lab before, and although I may not know much about technology, Stark once mentioned that he could take over the planet if he wanted to. He's got the tech for it and judging by this odd demonstration of care for Loki, he's certainly full of surprises."

"Our people loved Loki," Thor spoke softly, his voice raspy from tears.

"I thought you said they hated him; because he didn't want to be a warrior," Natasha questioned, her eyes distant.

"The royal court did, as well as all from the palace. My mother did not hate him, nay did the Lady Sigyn. They were the only ones. But our people loved Loki. He would bring them gifts and solve any problems they had. The time he did not spend studying in the library he spent with them. He taught the children to read. He helped around homes, he brought food to families. He was most beloved. It was during my coronation that he started to act of oddity. Loki was always the reasonable one. He always knew the correct solution to any problem that arose and was known for his quick tongue. He did not believe that I was ready to be King. I was a fool and thought badly of him. It was by then many years which I ridiculed him along with others. I did the same when he came to me with this confession and others of course. I did...terrible things to him. But after that day he acted oddly, like a different person. He tried to assassinate the Frost Giants, his newfound race. He then tried to take over Asgard. There was a great war between us, and in the end, we dangled from Gungnir held by my father over space. For a minute, Loki seemed like his old self, then he let go. 'Tis the first time I have seen him since. We thought him dead. Falling from the Bifrost is a forever fall. There is no bottom to space. We pronounced him dead and the court said horrible things about him. I was so angry that I did not defend him from the anger of the court nor the anger of my father. Yet another of my many great mistakes with Loki."

"What sort of horrible things did you do?" Clint asked, his voice was softer now.

"I...I fear if I speak these truths I will lose yet more friends today" Thor's voice was shaking, and he failed to meet the eyes of his teammates.

"He said again. He begged us not to sew his lips shut _again_. What did he mean?" Natasha's voice was filled with venom, eyes burning and fists clenching. To see Natasha Romanoff visibly affected by something as rare, and Clint kept a wary eye on her, unsure of what might happen next.

"I...it was a mistake. I was just following my father's wishes and the wishes of the court. Nay was my intention to bestow harm upon my brother!" Thor insisted, as though he were trying to convince himself of this information. Thor's pleas for understanding were met with silence.

"I-I cannot speak of this at now," Thor whispered backing away from their stony gazes, and out of the room. Fury growled, hurling the remote in his hand into the nearby corner. It smashed, the images on the screen fizzing out.

"So what the hell am I supposed to think? I have an angry Norse god with daddy-issues and the mental health equivalent of a teenage girl who can apparently take over the world in a few seconds whenever-the-fuck he wants to just lay upstairs in Starks goddamned tower? What the fuck?" While Fury's raging confusion was justified, his word choice describing Loki rubbed the rest of the team in the wrong way; Natasha especially. Her gaze lifted to meet Fury's, standing forward while shrugging off Clint's concerned hand.

"Nat..." Clint warned softly, but he was ignored.

"Don't you dare speak of him that way." Her voice was icy, clearly threatening. "I saw his eyes, and you did too. We have all been through hell and back, and we all know that look. So don't you dare speak of him like that, because whatever happened to him was far worse than all our lives combined. None of us can even begin to imagine, so fuck off." With that, the team slowly streamed out of the room, Natasha's silent cue to exit somehow communicated to them all. All of the team members retreated to their separate floors, their minds clearly occupied with the broken god somewhere in the tower along with an overprotective Tony Stark and enraged Bruce Banner, the story only just beginning to unfold.


	8. Chapter Eight

As Natasha left the briefing room, trailed by the remaining Avengers, Clint hurried to her side. His cheeks were flushed pink and his eyes burning with anger. She mentally sighed. She had expected Clint to be upset, yes, and rightfully so, but his burning rage had only seemed to grow in light of this new information. Clint was better than that, but right now he was behaving like a child.

"What the hell?" he yelled, voice horse and laden with betrayal. Natasha resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Regardless of Clint's behavior though, he was still her closest friend, and she did know that he could have an unbearable temper when things did not go his way. So instead, she simply raised an eyebrow, continuing in the direction of the elevators. The other Avengers followed suit.

"What, are you on his side now?" Clint barked, spreading his arms in a bewildered manner as he rushed to keep up with her, still drained from his ordeal. "Did you forget that he fucking took over my mind? Forced me to try and kill everyone I ever cared about?"

"No, Clint, I didn't forget that," Natasha spoke calmly, her eyes fixed ahead of her.

"Then why the fuck are you defending him?" Clint yelled. He was treading dangerously with her, and he knew that, but his anger was getting the best of him. Natasha abruptly stopped, turning to face him while the other Avengers stood awkwardly behind them.

"Clint, his mind was controlled too, far worse than you. He was also tortured," she explained, her voice level in hopes that her calmness might soothe him.

"And you actually believe that?" he retorted, though he seemed more accusing than anything.

"No," Natasha admitted, holding up her hand when Steve and Thor began to argue, "Not yet. Loki is a master of deception and from what Thor has just informed us is more powerful than we could ever imagine. He could easily have changed his eye color to deceive us into believing he was innocent and destroy us the second we turn our backs. But if he is innocent? If he was controlled this entire time just like you? Then he has been hated for horrible things that he didn't do. He has been tortured and forgotten about for a year. He has killed innocents and attempted to take over an entire planet all the while without wanting to. And from Thor's input, he has been through a lot more during his childhood. I'm can't make the decision to believe him or not until I know everything, and right now I don't." If the other Avengers were shocked at her odd display of emotion, they didn't comment. Everyone had been through a lot of shocks in the past few hours.

Clint didn't say anything in response, instead, he waited for Natasha to continue walking towards the elevators, and followed in stony silence.

* * *

When Tony arrived back at the medical wing of his tower he was greeted with the sound of harsh breaths and slight growling. He found Loki exactly where he had left him, limp on the bed, his face scarily pale against the white sheets. Bruce was sitting next to a large screen, his head in his hands and ears dark green as he took deep breaths.

"Brucie?" Tony ventured softly, coming to stand by Bruce's chair, peering at the screen in front of him. A small gasp escaped his lips as he stared at the image. It was Loki's back, covered in angry lines, some overlapping each other: whip marks. The lashes were in varying stages of healing, some looked old, shiny white scars while others were more recent, pink colors with white at the edges, and most were dark red. Underneath the scars was pale white skin that seemed tight. Loki's stomach was concave, Tony knew that from some fo the other images, and you could count his ribs, which seemed to be pressing underneath his skin ready to puncture it and leap out at any second. Tony felt sick just staring at it. _How long had Loki gone without food?_

"I want to hate him, for what he did to Loki," Bruce whispered, and Tony gathered that he was referring to Thor.

"What, did Loki wake up? Did he say something to you?" Tony questioned, unsure if he wanted to know the answer. Thor was his friend, but he couldn't ignore the broken god sleeping next to them. Friend or not, his actions were inexcusable.

"No, I-Tony just look at his wrists!" Bruce snapped, his eyes flashing green. Tony gently took Bruce's arm and pulled him to stand.

"Why don't you take a break Brucie, I got this. Take a breather, you did good." Tony assured Bruce's hesitant eyes, not wanting to risk the Hulk paying a visit. He hadn't been so happy with Loki last time they'd met.

"Yeah, yeah okay," Bruce agreed, walking slowly towards the door. When he reached it he looked back, uncertain.

"You'll call me...if things get messy...yeah?" he asked, staring at Loki's sleeping form. Tony nodded in response, giving Bruce two thumbs up. Bruce shook his head, but allowed himself to leave, the door closing behind him with a soft swish.

"JARVIS?" Tony called to the ceiling.

"Yes, sir?" came his companion's voice.

"Alert me if anyone tries to come in," Tony said, staring at the top of Loki's wrists. He didn't see anything besides the torn skin likely from struggling in restraints.

"Certainly, sir," JARVIS assured him.

Tony gently took one of Loki's wrists and turned it over, paling at what he saw. If the long scars that stretched across his wrists, clearly self-inflicted, weren't concerning enough, the lightning-shaped scars were. It looked as though Thor has grabbed his wrists with his powers. Suddenly Loki yanked his hand away, and Tony shrieked, jumping about a foot in the air and turning to meet Loki's wide eyes staring back at him. For a minute, both he and Loki stared at each other, before suddenly Tony was overwhelmed with the need to know.

"Thor...he-he did that to you, didn't he?" Tony whispered, his limbs feeling oddly heavy. For a long moment, Loki seemed to debate something in his head, before he nodded softly. Tony moaned, collapsing into the chair next to the god and placing his head in his hands. He sat there for a second before looking up again; Loki had been watching him the entire time.

"I'm sorry, I am so fucking sorry. I should have known, I-we should have-I mean, _Thor_ should have...I'm just so fucking sorry Loki," Tony struggled with the words. Loki just stared at him, before he spoke,

"You believe me?" he whispered, voice scratchy and shocked sounding, as though no one had ever believed him in his entire life. It was likely no one ever had. Tony nodded,

"I mean, yeah. Thor told us stories and I remember him describing you once, he said you had the greenest eyes he'd ever seen in "all the nine realms", which is true by the way. And I mean you never let go of that stupid staff thingy, and it had the mind stone which was blue and your eyes looked the same, just like Clint's. He said you would just stand there sometimes communicating with someone through it, and you always looked as though you were in pain afterward. Then you let go of the mind stone staff and suddenly boom, you wake up in the cell and I realize you're eyes are green as fuck and you...you had that look." Tony rambled, making wide sweeping motions with his hands.

Loki was shaking his head, squeezing his eyes shut as he whimpered, "Stop," Tony blinked, unsure of what he was doing that would warrant such a response.

"Stop what?" Tony prompted. He was never good at social situations, especially not emotionally-packed ones. But he wasn't lying when he'd said Loki had that look. Tony had been through torture, he knew what PTSD was like, and somehow he felt connected to Loki in an odd way he'd never felt before. He wasn't gonna screw this up.

Loki looked up at Tony, desperation in his eyes. "This is not real, I know it! Nothing is real, you are too kind to me to be real! Any moment you will be Thor or Frigga but I know you're not real! No one could ever care for a monster!" his voice had risen to a shriek.

"Loki, hey I swear I'm real! I don't know how to prove it to you but I'm real! Use your magic or something, I believe you." There were tears flooding Loki's eyes, and for a minute he seemed to consider Tony's words, but then he shook his head, turning to face away from Tony, shoulders shaking slightly.

"Leave me alone," he whispered. Tony sighed softly and backed away from Loki.

"Okay, I will. But I'm coming back later, I promise," he assured the god. Tony wasn't sure how to articulate the emotional pain he felt when he heard Loki give a broken chuckle and say, "They always promise,"


	9. Chapter Nine

Tony stayed true to his promise. Exiting the door to the infirmary he told JARVIS not to let anyone else in besides Bruce or himself. He plopped down in a chair outside, wishing for coffee and an excuse to run away from everything. He sat staring into space for all of 26 seconds before he whipped out his Starkpad, beginning to make some security modifications to the Tower and send in requests to fix the hole in his floor. JARVIS alerted him that the other Avengers, minus Bruce, were making their way up to the infirmary by elevator, and he inwardly groaned, dreading having to face their questions and judgment.

He wanted a nap.

As promised, the elevator doors from down the hallway chimed, and out strode Natasha, face impassive as ever, followed by a red-faced Clint and solemn-looking; Thor and Steve. Natasha stopped next to Tony's chair and took a seat in front of him, leaning down to that her elbows touched her knees and propping her head up with her hands. Steve and Tony remained standing to the side awkwardly until they also took their seats. Tony didn't look up, instead focusing on the Starkpad in his hands, frowning: he'd forgotten to fill the only coffee pot on this floor. Crap.

Steve was the first to speak, clearing his throat before he asked in a hushed voice, "How is he?" Tony sighed dramatically, finally looking up and shutting down the Starkpad,

"Fucked," was all he offered in response, not in the mood to be compliant. Steve huffed, "Seriously Tony, how is he?"

"I dunno," Tony answered honestly, "he doesn't believe anything I'm telling him, keeps saying that nothing is real,"

"Let me talk to him," came Natasha's voice. Tony frowned, "Are you going to fuck with his head, 'cause I'm telling you that's the last thing he needs," Clint scoffed. Natasha said nothing, only stared at Tony, expression firm. Tony sighed, this time for real, and stood up, walking to the door.

"Everyone else, get out, go somewhere, get shitfaced, I don't care just don't be here," Tony snapped, surveying the room. Clint opened his mouth to argue, but Steve simply guided his shoulder towards the exit, pushing Thor along too.

"We'll come back later," he assured and Tony rolled his eyes, "Yeah, yeah, whatever," before opening the door for Natasha.

When Natasha walked into the infirmary, shutting the door beside her despite Tony's glare, she was met with a very different Loki than she'd seen in battle. He was laying in a hospital bed wearing a white medical gown and covered by a thin white blanket, though the edges were stained slightly with blood. His hair wasn't as slicked back as it had been when she'd last seen him, and although it desperately needed to be washed it framed his face quite nicely. There were dark circles underneath his eyes, which were haunted and stared at her with an aura of fear and suspicion.

"Hello, Loki," Natasha greeted him, glancing over the screens in the corner of the room to get a grasp on his injuries. He offered no response. Tony had sarcastically suggested that she change his bandages, as it had been some time, and while Natasha knew he hadn't been serious, she decided to do so. She pulled the wheeled medical tray from beside Loki's bed closer to her, settling down in a chair beside him. Loki's eyes were fixed to the tray, wide and terrified.

"Please, I'm sorry," he whimpered, and Natasha quickly gathered that he thought she was attempting to harm him. She shook her head, giving him a warm smile, "I'm not going to hurt you Loki, I just want to change your bandages, but only if that's okay with you," she added the last part as an afterthought, and when his eyes filled with confusion her answer to Clint's earlier question became clear in her mind: Loki was innocent, she didn't even have to ask.

"We don't have to do that if you're not comfortable with it," she assured him, pushing the tray away to emphasize her point. For a second Loki hesitated, and then, as though testing the waters, he whispered, "I-I don't want to, please,"

Natasha nodded and gave him another comforting smile as she pushed the tray further away. She returned to her seat with another blanket, offering it to the god who accepted.

"Why are you being nice to me? I just tried to kill you," Loki asked, his voice scratchy. Natasha handed him a paper cup full of water, only to have it eyed suspiciously by Loki.

"It's not poisoned," she assured him. "And actually, correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think you actually did," Loki's eyes filled with tears, "I'm sorry," he cried. "I-I should have been stronger...I should have...I know I should have I-I just wanted it to stop...I'm so sorry please!" Before Natasha could formulate a response Tony's voice behind her cut in as he quickly strode over to the chair on Loki's other side.

"It's not your fault." He said, his tone once again serious. Natasha took pride in the way she carried herself. She was dark, mysterious, and she never let people know what was going on underneath. That was how she learned to survive, and they had made sure she learned that in the Red Room. Her display of emotion had been a failure on her part, and it scared her. She wasn't supposed to feel, she wasn't supposed to react. But perhaps what unerrved her the most was Tony Stark. She had falsely assumed he had no serious side to him. He had nothing to fight for besides Pepper but even then he'd let Pepper slip through his fingers and showed no care in the world. After the time she spent with him she'd assumed his torture had broken any fragment of normality with him and assumed he would always remain the arrogant, selfish playboy he always was. But his seemingly random protective streak had thrown her for a loop. She wasn't supposed to miss these things. She was supposed to be one step ahead of everyone all the time. But Tony had done a complete 180 without a single warning and he didn't seem to be backing down. She needed to get a hold of herself.

Natasha rose slowly, nodding her head to Tony to silently tell him she'd gotten what she'd needed. Loki was innocent. Another thing she had missed. She silently left the infirmary to report her findings to Fury. She knew he trusted her judgement. Without this knowledge he might attempt something against Loki, and if what Steve and Thor said was true, the last thing they needed was both Tony and Loki on the other side.

With Natasha gone, Tony felt he could speak freely. He couldn't mess this up. Pepper had tried, she really had. But she didn't understand. No one did. Tony knew part of that was his own fault, it always was. He could have just talked to her. But he couldn't do that. He couldn't risk loosing her. Of course he had, in a way, after all. But if he'd told her how screwed up he was, Tony was sure he would have lost her sooner. Instead, he rode out the panic attacks on his own, the nightmares alone, the breakdowns in the shower because he just couldn't stand the feel of water on his head, the days of no sleep and copious amounts of coffee, the months when it would take all the strength he had just to hold a few bites of food down because everything tasted like sand and paper and blood in his mouth. He'd sufferred alone and he'd wanted to die and no one had been there to hold him. Loki would not have to be alone ever again.

"It's not your fault." He repeated when Loki opened his mouth to protest. "I promise." Loki snarled in response.

"How would you know? I shouldn't have broken but I'm weak! That's all I've ever been and now your planet payed the price! Th-Thor he knew! He knew! He hated me! I was weak and he knew! They all knew! He knew!" Loki was shrieking again, tugging at his hair as he wailed. Tony swallowed thickly before he gently pried Loki's hands away from his hair.

"Let me go! Let me go! Please! Please let me go!" He was screaming now, red-tinged spit flying from his mouth as he squirmed and struggled against Tony's hold.

"Loki, stop please you're gonna hurt yourself," Tony cautioned, keeping his light grip above the injuries on Loki's wrists.

"I-I was tortured once too." Tony blurted out, cursing himself for saying anything at first until Loki stilled, chest heaving and blood beginning to show through the bandages but at least he'd stopped struggling.

"I-I've never...I've never told anyone about it. I didn't want them to..I dunno I'm not good with words, I'm sorry but I want to do this right. I, I didn't want them to look at me differently. It-it wasn't as bad as what you had to go through, and not nearly as long. Um, I was in Afghanistan. I used to build missels and stuff for the Air Force. Um, that's like our army, er-warriors maybe, but they fly with machines in"

"I know what your Air Force is. I've kept up with the histories of all the realms, I'm not daft like Thor." Loki interjected softly. Tony brightened somewhat.

"Oh good, that makes shit easier. Well, uh, okay, so my company used to make missels for the Air Force and I was in Afghanistan testing the Jericho middle for the Air Force. It was successful, so we were traveling back to the Bagram Air Base. We were attacked by a terrorist group, um, they were called the..the Ten Rings." Tony cleared his throat. "Um, well I tried to make a run for it, but one my own missels detonated...near me. Um. I-I woke up..I-in a cave." He clenched his fists. "And-and I-I remember a little bit, bits and pieces of the operation. They did open-heart surgery on me without any anesthesia. I-I remember screaming and-and it..oh god it hurt, it hurt so fucking bad. I-I woke up, and they'd...they'd hooked me up to an car battery that kept the shrapnel from reaching my heart." He tapped the arc reactor. "This, um, we made this later on. We, uh, Ho Yinsen." Tony squeezed his eyes shut and buryied his head in his hands. There was a moment when all he could hear was his harsh breathing, before a soft poke on his hand startled him.

"You don't have to tell me." Loki whispered. Tony stared at him, and saw something he hadn't expected; understanding. But he needed Loki to understand why.

"Yes, yes I do. Yinsen...he, he and I build the arc reactor so I wouldn't have to carry the car battery everywhere with me. They wanted us to build them a Jericho missel for them. I-I said no. I couldn't. So, they took me, um, and they shoved my head underwater and held it there...I-until-I-I oculdn't..I thought I was going to die and the car battery kept sparking and they wouldn't let me breathe and" Tony takes another deep breath before he continues. "I said yes. I had to make it stop. But they were stupid, and Yinsen and I build the Iron Man suit instead. But...he didn't make it out." Tony focused on taking deep breaths. There was silence for a few moments.

"Why did you tell me that?" Loki asked softly. There was no malice in his voice, only curiosity and that soft understanding. Tony sighed.

"Because, um, well when I got home, I didn't tell anyone. I mean, they knew. Fury did at least. I told him the bare minimum and denied the offer for therapy and I shut Pepper, um, we were, something I guess, I shut her out. I couldn't tell them, I couldn't say it, I couldn't risk them leaving. I thought they would think I was weak, or, I dunno I guess. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I shut myself in my lab and that was that. I couldn't go near water. Later, when it wasn't so fresh, when I could...when I could walk into the bathroom again, I would see my reflection at night and...I saw the same look in your eyes. And, that was hell. I wish I'd had someone but I..." Tony swallowed. "I won't let you do that alone." He finished softly, staring at his hands. There was silence, then a soft sniffle. Then another. Suddenly Loki was sobbing again.

"I'm always alone!" He cried, wrapping his arms around himself. Tony shook his head, bit his lip, and gently embraced the god. Loki tensed at first, shaking, before he melted in Tony's arms and sobbed.

"Not anymore Loki."

Hurray! I'm sorry I took so long to upload this chapter! I'm trying hard to keep Tony in character while still revealing his soft side. As always I appreciate any suggestions you have! Thank you all for reading! :D


	10. Chapter 10

His sense of time had been warped ever since The Fall.

After Stark had poured out his stained past at Loki's bedside the pair had sat in silence until the pressing weight of emotions became overwhelming and Loki quietly asked Tony to leave. His request, which was for sure selfish and had no doubt reawoken the flames of hatred that the genius had previously harbored for him, didn't result in pain or verbal abuse and Loki felt some of the tension in his shoulders release along with the swish of the door shutting and the soft click of the lock seconds after it. The lighting of the large white room dimmed as the door closed which caused a soft sigh to escape his chapped and split lips. Despite the glass of water he had drunk earlier Loki still felt parched and his gaze zeroed in on the fresh glass sitting on a small table next to the bed he lay on. He reached a trembling hand for the glass and with difficulty managed to drag it to his lips with two hands, drowning it in seconds. It was as he retracted his arm that he noticed the lack of his usual layers and froze at the sight of his paper-white arms.

The scars.

It has been so long since he had actually observed himself that Loki had almost forgotten they were there. Of course, now that his eyes took in the raised white lines on the insides of his arms and the shimmery pink lightning-shaped marks that wrapped around his wrists the memories came flying back. Nights of tears and bloody daggers and being pinned against the wall at his wrists by an angry Thor danced before his eyes, and he wanted to slap himself because Tony had mentioned the scars, pointed at them, touched them, seen them, and Loki had answered, but his mind hadn't actually registered them until he _saw_ them.

Loki suddenly felt sick, thrusting his arms with newfound strength underneath the white blankets and curling up on his side despite the pull it gave to stitched wounds and still-healing broken bones. His eyes found the stars outside his window and he lost himself inside them until sleep claimed him; no-doubt aided by drugs and filled with the longing for a cool blade against skin.

* * *

Loki seemed to blink and a week was over.

Time passed in a hazy blur. He remained curled up on his side for most of the said time, staring out his window and wondering why he wasn't yet dead. The other form of the green monster that had bested him came to check on him quite frequently; a kindness in his eyes that Loki hated because he knew he didn't deserve that. If anything, he deserved to be thrown back to Thanos, given to the Chatauri and tortured until his mind killed itself, but the thought of such things made the machine monitoring his heartrate shriek.

The other side of Hulk, who Loki learned was called Bruce Banner, changed his bandages, and monitored his healing. He often used strange devices that made odd noises, but his facial expressions seemed to suggest that Loki was improving. He attempted conversation a few times, but Loki couldn't recall what he said. He had hushed conversations with Tony Stark that always seemed to leave them both frowning. Stark visited him often, talking his ears off about science or what he was doing in the lab, or sometimes just sitting with a cup of brown, strong-smelling liquid, or sometimes just fiddling with what he called his Starkpad. While he would never admit it, Loki enjoyed his company. He kept his promise not to leave Loki alone, and never pressed him for information and talked about a multitude of lighter subjects that put his racing mind at ease. He never mentioned the battle, Asgard, Thor, or asked what about what happened and Loki didn't offer any information. He figured eventually the truth would make itself known, and Tony would despise him and wish him dead and he would be alone again. Loki had no intention of rushing that.

While Loki was aware the other avengers were present in the tower, they did not show themselves save for Captain America, who introduced himself as Steve Rodgers, wished Loki a swift recovery, and spoke in hushed tones with Tony.

Thor never showed up.

Loki wasn't sure how he felt about that.


	11. Chapter Eleven

"Loki," the great booming voice was unforgettable, it haunted his mind, plaguing his dreams, rattling inside his skull and Oh Gods, had that awful machine that screamed at him every time his useless heart beat and preserved his unwanted life still been connected Loki was sure it would be an endless wail whispering of the terror that Thor's voice drove into his soul.

He was still curled onto his side, eyes shut; pretending to be asleep. Tony and Bruce had entered the infirmary perhaps an hour ago, and if they knew Loki was faking unconsciousness they hadn't said anything.

"Hello Thor," Bruce's voice had a cool undertone to it, as though angry with the god, and Tony remained silent.

"I wish to speak with my brother," Thor boomed again. His voice was suddenly much closer but before Loki could consider this there was a warm hand on his shoulder and his sanity faded away into an ice-cold panic.

There were hands, everywhere; touching him, ripping him apart, limb by limb, scratching, stabbing, burning. They wanted his blood and they were getting it. His skin was sticky with it, creating his own lube as they abused his insides. Water was filling his lungs and he could hear screaming but he couldn't tell if it was the sound of his own agonized cries or not. Everything was hot, too hot too hot too hot, they're burning him, he's a being of the cold and he hates that but it's true and they're gonna kill him. And suddenly Loki is aware that he's the one screaming; screaming for death, pleading for it, begging for it, wishing with every fiber of his being that it would take him from this hell, cradling him in it's embrace and delivering him to his daughter Hella where he might be safe.

But as he begs and prays for death a new voice reaches his ears and he's momentarily distracted by words such as "motor oil in my fucking smoothie can you believe that Lokes?" and suddenly he's very aware that someone is talking to him, and that can't be right because no one ever spoke to him when they played with him; only Thanos did and never like this new voice, and as he listens to it the noise in his head is fading, no one is touching him and his back isn't pressed against a wooden board it's pressed against a wall and his wrist's aren't restrained they're gripping his hair and his eyes are closed not open and the noise is suddenly gone, it's just the new voice telling him now about something called a "fucking sprinkler system" and how it soaked him to the bone and the voice is gentle and soft but also concerned and understanding and now it's asking him very tenderly to "please open your eyes" and so Loki does, and it's Tony Stark who's crouching beside him and Tony Stark who smiles very gently at him and tells him he's safe and the look in his dark eyes makes Loki feel special and loved and he knows he doesn't deserve that but he wants it so badly and suddenly he's crying.

"Can I touch you?" Tony's voice is quiet and Loki finds himself nodding despite everything because Tony believed him and held him before and told him of his own traumas and Loki feels like maybe, just maybe Tony understands the noise inside his head and he makes Loki feel safe and he needs that, so badly, so when warm arms wrap around him and pull him very gently to a warm chest and hold him as if he were something fragile that needed to be protected Loki falls apart in Tony's arms. He cries and cries and cries until the room is dark and even when his tears subside and his shaking grows quiet Tony still holds him until his eyes drift close into the first dreamless sleep he's had in years.


	12. Chapter Twelve

The night of Loki's first major panic attack since his arrival at Tony Stark's tower was the night that "Stark" changed to "Tony".

Once Loki's eyes had drifted shut and his breathing evened into sleep Tony had very gently lifted him back onto the medical bed and wrapped his skeletal shoulders in the white blankets. He noticed that Bruce and Thor were no longer present in the room, so he instructed Jarvis to lock the door and alert him if anyone tried to enter. Tony then brewed a coffee, taking one of the flipped-over chairs from the floor and righting it beside Loki's bed, plopping himself into it and pulling out his Starkpad.

Jarvis had dimmed the lights and the time was very late, but the combination of caffeine, adrenaline, and the apparent need to brush a hand over Loki's cheek or comb his hair away from his face every time his forehead so much as creased slightly in discomfort kept Tony wide awake all night.

It was about 7:15 am when Jarvis alerted Tony that the room he'd been preparing for Loki had been finished. He'd perhaps gone a little overboard, but it was too late to go back now and he was sure Loki was getting tired of spending his days in a hospital bed.

Maybe. If Tony didn't know better he'd say that while Loki's physical health was slowly improving his mental health was anything but. He'd been curled up on his side unmoving for the past two weeks save for when Bruce changed his bandages and the occasional acknowledgment throughout Tony's many ramblings with him. Bruce had eventually inserted an IV line into Loki's hand with the specially designed needle Tony had made that could puncture Asgardian skin just in case the Jotunn had seemingly indestructible skin as well since Loki had refused to eat and hardly drank.

It was 8:04 am when Jarvis announced that Bruce Banner was making his way to the infirmary, and 8:07 am when he actually arrived at the door. Tony allowed him in and Jarvis locked the door after him.

"Hey," Bruce greeted, his eyes flickering down to where Tony's hand was resting over Loki's own before quickly looking away. He didn't comment and Tony was grateful for that as he wasn't sure what he might have said to explain himself.

"Brucie," Tony exclaimed softly as a way of greeting, letting go of Loki's hand with a pang of reluctance in his heart that he tried his best to ignore. Damn it, he's getting soft.

Bruce moved to fiddle with the machines around Loki but Tony swatted him away with his hand.

"Leave him alone a little while longer, will ya? He's had a rough night."

"Yeah, Thor's pretty upset," Bruce added, and Tony felt a spark of rage in his belly at those words.

"Well, he should have known better than to just fucking waltz up and grab his shoulder!"

"Tony, that's not-"

"Don't fucking try to defend him, Bruce, you know just as well as me that Loki has issues; serious issues and Thor should be able to understand that goddamn it!" Tony growled. Bruce opened his mouth to respond, his eyes fixated on something behind Tony when suddenly there was a soft moan behind him and a weak voice called out, "Tony?"

Tony whipped around his heart stuttering at the sound of his real name instead of the usual "Stark". Loki's eyes were still droopy and red, but upon noticing Bruce standing in the corner he visibly tensed, his face going into a blank poker mask.

"Banner." He acknowledged his voice much more level than before, and all traces of vulnerability gone. Tony wasn't sure if he should feel special that Loki seemed to trust him immensely or hate the fact that he felt like he couldn't trust anyone else.

"Your room is finally ready. Or more really your floor. Like an apartment. A really big one. With nice stuff. State of the art. You know. Probably overboard but I figured you're used to having your own quarters anyways." Tony rambled when the silence grew awkward. Loki only blinked.

"If you want to move in there today I think that could be possible. You're still going to have to take it easy though." Bruce helpfully supplied.

"You," Loki seemed to be almost at a loss for words, "you're letting me stay?"

"Well yeah duh," Tony shrugged.

"Why?" Loki's voice was so full of shock it made Tony squirm a little.

"Ya know, 'cause we like you, Princess,"

Loki's nose scrunched a little at the nickname, but he appeared to still be rather speechless while Bruce informed him that he would need to run tests and other things Tony didn't really pay attention to before Loki actually moved into the room.

He'll deny it, but Tony really did love the way Loki's eyes seemed to sparkle a little bit.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

_He should have known._

He thought he'd be the best person for Loki. He thought his own trauma and the connection they seemed to share would be good. He thought he could fix this. He thought he wouldn't fuck things up. 

_He should have known._

Isolation. A slow suicide. Something Tony himself had done. 

_He should have known._

He should have stayed with him. He should have moved Loki's room to his own floor. 

_He should have fucking known._

-oOo-

It was 1:00 am when Tony had crawled into his bed, the earliest he'd ever willingly gone to sleep in his entire life. It was 2:37 am when JARVIS woke him up. 

"Sir," JARVIS's voice was urgent, and when Tony cracked his eyes open he realized that his lights were on and ACDC was blaring from the speakers in his room, vibrating his bed. The deafening music cut out as soon as he woke up. 

"Sir, I believe Mr. Laufreyson is in distress," the simple sentence had Tony wide-awake, leaping out of bed and racing down the hall to the elevators, cursing them for being so slow. When he reached Loki's floor he ran headfirst into the sliding door. 

"What the-" he mumbled, rubbing his head and glaring at the ceiling to explain. 

"Sir, Mr. Layfreyson has locked the door and disabled my access," JARVIS drawled out, a hint of annoyance to his tone that, had it been any other situation, would have had Tony raising a brow. 

"How the fuck did he-"

But now was not the time for that. Instead, Tony shook his head almost violently and pressed his fingertips to a hidden reader just below the bottom left corner of the door, releasing a panel with a soft hiss. Out flipped a keypad, glowing red in the darkness of the hallway that Tony only just now realized was practically pitch black and typed in the code. He'd created failsafes like these for all the doors in the tower, not actually expecting he'd have to use them but as a precautionary measure to calm the race of anxiety that rushed his heart ever since the incident with Stane. 

The door shuddered open, revealing nothing but another larger pitch black room that Tony quickly stepped into, trying his hardest to ignore how he shuddered at the sound of the door shutting behind him. 

Tony doesn't have the best of hearing, he knows that. But despite the obvious fact that Loki was trying to hide from him, the barley restrained, shuddering gasps were a dead giveaway. 

"Lokes," Tony called softly, stepping deeper into the apartment. There's another wheezing gasp from somewhere to his right, and when he turns he sees light spilling out from the crack under the bathroom door. 

Tony is granted no response, only stuttered, wheezy-gasps that make his heart clench in discomfort. He reaches the bathroom door and knocks.

"Honey," the pet-name flows easily from his lips, "I know you're in there. Can you open the door, please?" 

Tony bites his lip and counts down ten seconds in his head. When Loki still hasn't answered, he reaches for the hidden switch on the bathroom door. 

"I'm coming in, okay?" He calls, typing in the code with shaking hands and trying to ignore how cold the room has suddenly become. 

When the door slides open Tony's legs twitch and his mind screams at him to run. 

It's selfish. It's so, so selfish but for a few frozen seconds of shock, it's the only thing that makes sense to him. He wants to run. He wants to disappear. He wants all this shit to melt away like it never happened. He's not the right person to be dealing with this. But of course, the universe hates him and he's the only one who can. 

The smell of blood is overpowering. Tony's no stranger to blood, but somehow this is different. This is worse. It's heavy on his tongue and every harsh breath fills his mouth with hot, copper-tinged air. It's smeared on the floor and the toilet seat and the cabinets and the bathtub and parts of the wall. It's bright, glaring red against the whites and pale blues of the bathroom, and the bright lights overhead seem to make it stand out even more. 

Most of it is on Loki. Under Loki. Surrounding Loki. Pouring out from Loki. He's curled on his side in a fetal position with his legs drawn slightly to his chest, arms outstretched limply in front of him. There's a half-demolished box of shaving razors seemingly tossed a foot or so away from him, the plastic casing of one wrecked on the floor, little bits of the mechanics scattered around it, and a once-shiny blade dripping with crimson hanging loosely between Loki's blood-stained fingers. His wrists are mutilated. 

Tony's gaze drags from the razor to his arms and finally to his eyes, sunken, grey, and dead-looking. They're hollow and dull, staring back at him blankly. There's a weird choking noise that clashes with the sudden ringing in Tony's ears, and it takes him a few seconds to realize it had come from his own mouth. 

He slides to the ground next to Loki, not sure where to put his hands. Not sure what to _do_ with his hands. His knees don't hit the ground as hard as they might have otherwise, as his pajama pants are wet and slippery from the blood staining the tile floor. 

He reaches for Loki's wrist, the blade falling ceremoniously to the ground as he cradles the broken appendage closer to his face; and nearly vomits at the sight.

"No, no," Loki slurs, head falling back slightly as he weakly tries to pull his arm away from Tony. 

"No, jus', ju's lemme go, lemme g-go," he mumbles. 

"It's gonna be okay. You'll be okay, it's okay." Tony finds himself repeating over Loki's whines, his limbs stiff and frozen. 

"No!" Loki's voice grows considerably louder, and suddenly he's trying to move but he's slipping on his own blood and his arms aren't quite moving right. "No! Jus', just stop, stop, I-I just want to die, please, let me die, just go away," he begs, his cries getting louder and louder by the second and there's water running down Tony's cheeks and he doesn't know what to _do_ because he can see Loki's veins and-

"Jarvis, _Bruce!_ " Tony suddenly screams at the ceiling, holding onto Loki's arms close to his elbows so that he can't hurt himself more. 

_Please, please if there's a god up there or gods or whatever just please don't let him die._


	14. Chapter Fourteen

The other Avengers, seated in the dark, spacious living-room of the tower, eyes fixed on the television screen before them and munching on buttered popcorn, hadn't intended to leave Tony out of the group gathering. 

It had been Steve's idea, as the soldier had missed out on many cult-classic movies and television shows since his time in the ice, and a movie seemed like a good way to unwind some of the tension that had been high-strung throughout each and every Avenger since the realization that Loki's invasion of Earth was not as simple as they'd previously thought. He'd gone to Clint, Bruce, and Thor's respective doors, informing each of them that he wanted them all to gather in the living-room for "Team Bonding Exercises" and requesting that Clint bring Natasha, and Bruce to go fetch Tony from his workshop. 

It was around 1:30 am when Bruce went to the lab looking for Tony, and to say he was shocked when he didn't find the insomniac genius _not_ blowing off yet another night of sleep was an understatement. When he cautiously asked JARVIS where he might find Tony, and was informed that he was sleeping in his room; Bruce did not have the heart to wake him. 

Steve, surprisingly, did not seem to mind Tony's absence once Bruce explained to him that Tony had been up-and-about non-stop since the battle without a full-nights sleep; on the promise that they'd drag Tony down to the living-room at the next movie night; which Clint had insisted on the title change as "Team Bonding Exercises" sounded like "Lame-Happy-Teenage-Summer-Camp-Activities". 

Bruce himself had chosen the movie, _Coming To America,_ since it had been released in 1988 and Steve confirmed that he had not yet had a chance to catch up with that particular movie either. It was closer to 1:50 am when they'd finally settled down to actually watch the movie, and not even an hour into the film when the television screen suddenly went dark and red lights lit up the living room. Natasha tensed and Clint jumped to attention before JARVIS' urgent voice filled the room. 

"Mr. Stark is urgently requesting Mr. Banner's assistance at Mr. Laufreyson's floor, _immediately_." Bruce had spent enough time in Tony's lab to pick up the serious note in JARVIS' voice, and he shot from his seated position on the couch, heading to the nearest elevator without a thought. 

"What's happened?" Thor's voice boomed, trailing after Bruce quickly. The other Avengers followed suit, and Bruce did not fail to notice Clint's drawn gun or Natasha's hand hovering near hers. 

"Mr. Laufreyson is in critical condition and needs immediate medical attention." Bruce felt the insides of his stomach churn and he briefly raised a hand to his temples, allowing Steve to punch the number in the elevator's control panel for Loki's floor. Thor staggered backward in apparent shock. 

"I'm _really_ not that kind of doctor."

"His condition was improving.." the god trailed off. 

"Critical condition how?" Natasha growled. 

"It appears that Mr. Laufreyson is in deep distress and has punctured the veins in both his wrists." 

There was a heavy silence, save for Thor's ragged breathing. 

"Why-why would he? Oh, Gods, WHY WILL THIS CURSED THING NOT DESCEND FASTER?" he roared, lurching forward with a clenched fist, only to be stopped by Steve's tense hand barley restraining him. 

"Thor, calm down. Punching the elevator won't help or make things move any faster. We need Bruce to get down there so he can help," Bruce shifted at the mention, "and if you punch the elevator it might break. Then we wouldn't be able to help Loki. Take a deep breath, you need to be calm in order for Loki to get better." 

The words seemed to resonate in Thor's head, because he blinked and quickly retracted his arm, taking several deep, stuttering breaths. 

The ding of the elevator sounded and Bruce was out the door before it could fully slide open, the other's following close behind. He reached the door to Loki's apartment and did not bother knocking. The door slid open for him easily, an odd-looking red pannel to the side that he couldn't stop to wonder about. 

"Tony!" he yelled as soon as he stepped foot into the dark room.

"Here!" the inventor's voice was strangled, coming from the bathroom to Bruce's right. He ran to the scene. 

When he stepped into the bloodbath of a bathroom, he left Bruce Banner outside the door and entered only as _that-kind-of-doctor._ Bruce Banner would have flipped his shit. Bruce Banner would have frozen at the sight of Tony Stark in his faded Iron Maiden t-shirt and black pajama pants, soaked in blood and cradling an even more soaked Loki Laufreyson to his chest, wrists a mutilated mess and eyes dead-looking as he screamed for someone to kill him. 

Even Natasha seemed to freeze at the sound of his broken sobs. 

Bruce's eyes swept over the room, taking in the box of shaving razors tossed in the corner, the mangled remains of the plastic casing of one on the floor, the blade laying near Loki's head, and the blood. He took in Loki's pale features, his dim eyes, and the ugly wounds. He remembered seeing the old scars, weeks ago now, shimmery silver lines against his pale wrists and faded-pink lightning-shaped scars wrapped underneath the lines. Loki had done this before, which means Loki knew what he was doing. 

"The infirmary is two levels up. We don't have time to get a stretcher, so I need someone to carry Loki to the med-bay. We'll take the stairs. It's quicker than the elevator."

"I can carry him," Tony murmured, beginning to stagger to his feet. Loki began screaming a little louder, though his voice was weak. 

"N-no, n-no please, just let me die, please, I just want to die," 

"I need Thor or Steve to hold him." Bruce shook his head at Tony's heated glare. "I'll need your help in the infirmary as you're the only one he trusts. He's struggling and I need you _not_ to be exhausted from trying to haul him up two flights of stairs. Don't argue with me, any of you. He might live if we act quickly."

The insinuation that Loki could die, very easily, right there, tonight, seemed enough to snap all the Avengers into action. Thor scooped Loki out of Tony's arms, doing his best to hush his cries. 

"Hold his arms. Don't touch his wrists. I don't need him hurting himself any more than he already has." Bruce instructed. With that, they all began to make their way up the flights of stairs to the infirmary. 


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Bruce knew that Loki wasn't exactly human. But with the combination of blood loss, malnourishment, fatigue, and still-healing previous injuries he was astonished that Loki was still attempting to fight them off. Hell, he was amazed Loki was even still conscious, god or not. 

The raven-haired man was kicking out weakly as Thor laid him down on the stark-white medical bed, throwing loosely-clenched, blind punches in every direction and still screaming. His voice was hoarse and rough with tears, begging for death in a way that even had Bruce's stoic _that-kind-of-doctor_ mode trembling slightly. But he couldn't think about that right now. He couldn't let himself dwell upon what could have possibly driven the frail man to such thoughts right now. His struggles were growing weaker by the minute. They were running out of time. 

Bruce whirled around to grab the heartrate monitor behind him and slammed right into a grey-faced Clint. Surveying the room briefly, he noticed each and every Avenger circling the bed around Loki. 

"Everyone _out_." Bruce barked. His tone left no room for arguments, save for Tony and Thor. 

"You said I could help!"

"He is my brother!" 

Bruce counted to ten as he fetched the heart rate monitor and attached the leads to Loki's chest, blocking his feeble attempts to fight him off. 

"Tony, yes, I need you. Get me a Green-Alert sedative. Thor, I will let you stay in here if you stay _out_ of my way. Loki is dying and I need the fucking room. Everyone else, _get out_." Bruce growled. Tony appeared at his side with a syringe of clear liquid, moving to hold down Loki's arm as instructed while Bruce injected the sedative into a vein. Tony looked up to Thor briefly, who had stepped back closer to the door, his face a pale shade of sickly green as he watched Loki's movements begin to slow, the frantic wailing of the heart rate monitor along with them. 

"You might not wanna see this buddy," Tony's voice had an odd edge to it, "but there's a bathroom down the hall for when you need to puke." 

With Loki now limp on the bed, Bruce moved a light over the bed and actually began to examine his mangled wrists; as quickly as he could. 

He'd known what he was doing. 

There were multiple slashes, reckless-looking and deep enough to require some stitches, but they looked like child's play compared to the large gashes over the veins on each of his wrists. He'd cut the skin open and went straight for the vein. 

"We need to put a tourniquet on each of his upper arms. I'm going to tie it very tight to slow the bleeding. JARVIS, I need you to set a repeating twenty-minute timer. Tony, each time that JARVIS gives the signal that the timer has gone off I need you to loosen the tourniquets."

"Certainly, Sir." JARVIS's voice came from the ceiling while Tony nodded. 

"Right," Bruce murmured, readying a tray of tools beside him, "fuck, okay that sedative stopped him from struggling but somehow he's still awake. I need to give him some anesthetic. This is gonna hurt otherwise." 

"Right, let's get him some Propofol or something," Tony muttered, disappearing for a few seconds as Bruce slid on a pair of gloves. 

"Here," Tony was back, handing Bruce a full vial of opaque white liquid, "There's 40mg in there."

"Might need more, he's not human after all," Bruce muttered as he injected the anesthesia into Loki's arm. Loki inched his head to the side, his eyelids going droopy but not quite falling under. Bruce waited a few minutes, cleaning the medical utensils on the tray as he kept a close eye on the heart rate monitor. Tony brushed some of the sweaty hair away from Loki's face. 

"Okay, give me 20mg. We'll administer it slowly." Tony handed him a fresh syringe. Bruce injected 5mg at a time. 15mg later and Loki slipped into unconsciousness. 

"Okay, now for the hard part." 

-oOo-

An hour and fifteen minutes later, Bruce finished the last suture in Loki's left wrist, peeled off his bloodstained gloves, wiped his forehead free from anxious sweat, and all but collapsed into a nearby chair. 

"Fuck." was all he could think to say. Tony remained uncharacteristically silent. Thor had left as soon as the procedure had started, darting out into the hall with a considerably greener face. 

"Okay. Okay that's..that's not how I envisioned my night going. Fuck." Tony looked up at him then, concern in his features. Bruce mentally shook himself. _Gosh, Tony's been weird ever since Loki showed up._

"Okay, fuck I'm going to go talk to the others. Can-can you finish up here? I need to calm down." Tony nodded. 

"Yeah, I'll be fine." 

"Good. Good. 'Night Tony. Jesus." Tony gave a halfhearted salute in response. 

Exiting the infirmary Bruce was met with the four questioning gazes of his remaining teammates. He gave a heavy sigh and plopped down in a chair along with their clustered group. 

"How is Loki?" Thor's voice seemed small. 

"He's...physically he's stable now. We drained the blood and clots from his tissues and had to suture the vein where he tore it. Luckily he didn't tear the vein in half completely. That would have been a much more complicated surgery. The blade he used only cut it open, and I was able to close it off. He heals much faster than humans so I used a dissolving suture." 

"What is a dissolving suture?" Thor asked.

"They will dissolve in his body instead of having to be removed." Thor nodded solemnly. 

"After that, I sutured his wrists, and the other gashes as well. Not all of them needed stitches, but quite a few did. Tony is wrapping his arms now." 

"Why...why did he..." Thor couldn't seem to finish his sentence. 

"I don't know. I noticed older scars of the same nature when I first was treating him. As well as....well. I don't know. What I do know, is that it's clear he has been doing this for quite some time. And people don't self-harm for no reason. He's in pain. Horrible pain. It's likely that he reached a breaking point. No one knows what really happened during the battle or before it, but what is clear is that Loki wasn't in control of himself. At least not completely. The only way to find out is to ask him when he wakes up, which is why I left Tony with him." Steve raised an eyebrow at that.

"Oh, don't be stupid, Steve. It's plain and clear that Stark and Loki have a close bond. Anyone could see it." Natasha quipped. 

"Give it a few weeks and they'll be banging," Clint muttered. Thor whirled around to face him, thunder rumbling in the distance, and Bruce took that moment to realize it was storming outside. 

"I left Tony in there because Loki trusts him, and he needs someone he trusts when he wakes up. Maybe he'll tell Tony why he did it." Bruce explained before Thor could start yelling at Clint. 

"Can I see him?" 

"I-yes. You can. But...I hate to say this but it's probably best if you're not there when he wakes up." Thor's face contorted in pain, as though Bruce's words had physically harmed him. 

"I don't. Shit, Thor, I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm not. But we all know you and Loki have your issues. It's not just you, I don't think should be there when he wakes up. I think it should just be Tony. Loki's clearly very damaged, both emotionally and physically. He needs to get to a more stable place before he has to deal with the presence of everyone." Thor hung his head. Outside, lightning cracked even closer and Bruce cringed. But when Thor raised his head, his expression was calm. 

"Friend, I will heed your words. They are wise ones. I have been un-wise for much too long, and I have hurt my brother greatly. I do not wish to continue this. I will return to Asgard for some time. I will return when Loki is ready." Steve put his hand on Thor's shoulder. 

"That's a brave choice, Thor, this can't be easy for you," he said. 

"How will you know when Loki is ready for you to return?" Natasha asked eyes narrowed slightly. 

"Heimdall sees all. I trust him to inform me when the time is right." Thor answered. "I do request that I be allowed to..to see him once now? To say goodbye." Bruce nodded. 

"Sure, sure. He's sleeping right now. He probably will be for a while. I think we're going to move him to Tony's floor. You could carry him there if you're careful." 

"Aye, I shall. Thank you, my friend." 


	16. Chapter Sixteen

Tony sighed as Bruce left the room, the muffled voices of him and the rest of their team reaching his ears but not quite translating into coherent words. He supposed Bruce must be updating them about Loki's condition. 

Tony shoved the tray Bruce had been using during the operation out of the way. It was covered in bloodied utensils and gauze. He didn't want to see it. Instead, he turned off the bright overhead lights above Loki's bed, checked the heart rate monitor, and then quickly crossed to the far side of the large room to the wall of cabinets. He pulled out a mild antiseptic cleaner, some gauze, cotton balls, and soft bandages. He carried the supplies back to Loki's bed and placed them on a different tray, wheeling it up beside the bed along with a chair which he plopped himself into.

He reached for Loki's right wrist, the closest to him, and pulled it a bit closer. He doused one of the cotton balls in the antiseptic and very gently washed the blood off from around the sutured wounds. He continued to clean Loki's arms, hands, face, and neck; clearing all traces of blood from his skin. He then patted the wounds dry with gauze and wrapped them very carefully. He repeated the same process on Loki's left wrist. 

Bruce entered the infirmary when Tony was halfway finished with Loki's left wrist and paused for a minute. He'd never seen Tony so intently focused on something, not even his inventions or on his suit. When Tony finished, Bruce very softly called his name, but the genius still jumped a little in surprise. 

"Hey," Bruce greeted him, looking over Tony's bandaging job as Thor crept to Loki's side. "You did well here. Listen, Thor is going to go home for a little while, and I was thinking with all the shit that's been going on Loki should probably stay with just one person for a little while, and-"

"I'll do it." Tony interrupted, eyes on Thor as the thunder god bent down and placed a careful kiss on Loki's clammy forehead, whispering to him as he did. Bruce nodded, choosing to ignore how quickly Tony had jumped to the opportunity. 

"Good, okay. I was just about to ask if you would. Can he stay on your floor? I don't think we should leave him alone anymore, but we shouldn't overcrowd him either. I can set things up there and I'm sure you can handle it from that?" 

"Yeah, I've got 'em," Tony assured him. 

"Okay, good. You tell me if you need me. The wounds should heal up pretty fast if we're taking the last few weeks as an example. Thor is going to carry him up and Steve offered to help take up some supplies. Do you have an extra bed?" Tony nodded. 

"Cool, I'll get a bag ready." 

-oOo-

Bruce trailed behind Steve and Thor as they carried both Loki and two large bags of medical supplies to the elevator. He slowed his pace deliberately to match with Tony's. 

"Are you sure you're up for this? He's going to be very upset when he wakes up, and in an extremely fragile mental state. He was already, this will be worse, Tony." Bruce murmured, placing a hand on the inventor's shoulder and finding it trembling slightly. 

"I am. Trust me. He and I are more alike than you think." 

"He trusts me, and-and I-"

"You like him." Bruce finished for him. Tony let out an indignant squawk, cheeks reddening. 

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about, Bruce," he growled. 

"Everyone can see it Tony, which is exactly why I'm worried-"

"Drop it."

"Tony, he's not in a good mental state. And neither are you, to be frank. I'm worried that-"

"I said, _drop it._ " Bruce sighed, and removed his hand from Tony's shoulder, holding them up in surrender. 

"Alright, alright. I'm just a concerned friend here, man. If you need me, you tell me, okay?"

Tony nodded as they reached the elevator doors. 

"Thanks, Bruce." 

-oOo-

With Loki situated on Tony's apartment floor, the others left to return to their own respective floors and Thor to Asgard. The thunder god's eyes were shining as he said one last goodbye to Loki for the time being. 

"Son of Stark," Thor's voice called out, a smaller, cautious edge to it that had Tony's nerves doing weird dances that he'd rather not think too hard about. 

"Yeah?" he turned to face Thor, who was lingering in the doorway, expression creased with uncertainty. 

"Am I...do you believe that the choices I am making now are wise ones?" he asked, his hand fiddling with the hammer clipped to his belt that Tony's exhausted mind couldn't quite recall the name of. 

_Mil..mol...something like that._

Tony released a deep sigh, swiping a hand across his face and pinching the bridge of his nose. He really wasn't the type of person people should be coming to for advice. The same selfish voice that had told him to run just hours ago resurfaced in his head, taunting him. 

_This is why you avoid responsibilities, idiot._

"No. I, er. I don't think so? Listen Point-Break, I dunno much about you two," Tony made finger-gun gestures at both Thor and Loki, "but I know you two have more shit going on than most. From what I've gathered you haven't done great with the dude. And while I think I can see now that you love him..I'm not sure if Loki sees that yet. I think right now, Bruce is right. Loki needs some space to get back onto his feet. And when he does, then you two can work through your shit." Tony hoped that was the right thing to say. 

"I do not wish for Loki to believe I am abandoning him yet again. Will you explain to him where I have gone, and my reasons for doing so, when he awakens?" Thor asked.

"Yeah, of course, I will. He'll probably ask anyway." Thor seemed to consider this for a minute. 

"Son of Stark I am aware you care...deeply for my brother." Tony wasn't sure if he groaned out loud or in his head. 

"Thor-"

"But I see that my brother appears to return these feelings for you as well." Tony choked on his own spit. 

"Treat him kindly, is all I ask. It brings me great pain and sorrow to say that I do not believe he has had anyone treat him with pure kindness. Save for our mother, perhaps. But even she could not protect him from his pains." 

Tony didn't trust himself to form a coherent reply, so he simply nodded, watching dazedly as Thor exited the room. He turned around several long seconds after the door had slid shut, raising his hands to his head once again but freezing when he suddenly realized they were caked in dried blood. 

Loki's blood. 

Barley resisting the urge to gag, Tony staggered to his bathroom, pulling a fresh t-shirt and sweatpants from his closet blindly as he did, and shut the door behind him. He stripped from his bloodied clothes and tossed them in the far corner, pulling on the fresh ones before turning the faucet on in the sink. He dunked his hands underneath the hot spray and scrubbed, the water running pink as he rubbed at his skin until it was raw. 

He stared at his hands for a second, still feeling the blood yet he couldn't see it anymore. Sighing, he looked up at himself in the mirror, only to notice blood on his face and in his hair, so he dunked his head into the sink as well. 

He emerged from the bathroom, hair dripping wet but feeling lighter than before. His limbs screamed at him to collapse in his bed, but instead, he turned to where they had set Loki up in the spare room. Reaching his bedside, he took in the scene of the heart rate monitor and IV fluid drip in Loki's hand. Bruce had wanted to give him more blood after the sheer amount he'd lost, but they didn't have Jotun blood and Thor had said that if Loki rested, his magic should speed his healing and replenish what he'd lost in time. 

Tony pulled the blankets closer to Loki. His skin was tinged a light blue, which had freaked him out at first as he'd thought Loki was dying all over again, but Thor had calmly explained that it was simply Loki's exhaustion wearing down on his magic. Loki maintained a spell that gave the illusion of his Aesir form, but it must have weakened in his injured state. With the fear and the panicked haze of healing Loki dimmed to a low hum in the back of his brain, Tony took a moment to properly examine the sleeping god's face. He'd caught himself doing so multiple times before when he'd spend hours sitting beside him in the medical bay and doing nothing but rambling, but he'd always chided himself internally and looked away. 

Now, he observed the pale blue color of his skin, the raised white curves and lines of scars marring the perfectly smooth canvas underneath. His long, slender fingers. The sharp angles and lines of his neck and jaw. His thin lips, lined ever-so-slightly with faded puncture marks from a past that Tony wasn't sure he could bear knowing about. His sharp, upturned nose. Long, black eyelashes that hid beautiful, emerald-green eyes from the world. Arched black eyebrows that were relaxed on his peaceful, sleeping face. Wispy, long black hair that was greasy, tangled, and in desperate need of a wash, but still somehow beautiful. The god was, in simple terms, drop-dead gorgeous; Tony realized. 

_Fuck._


	17. Chapter Seventeen

"Fuck," Tony groaned out loud, running his hand through his wet hair. _Wet? Why was it wet?_ He felt like he should remember that. He shook himself, blinking slowly when the room seemed to spin and briefly wondering when the last time he'd had a cup of coffee or some decent sleep was. _Man, adrenaline's a bitch._

He thought of his suit downstairs in his lab, charred and scratched and in desperate need of repairs before the inevitable next battle. They may have defeated the Chitauri, but the invasion of Earth was no doubt a message to everything else lurking out there that it was their chance to try next. But the lab was all the way down in the basement levels of the tower, and Loki was here, and...are those black spots dancing around the corners of his eyes?

Stumbling a few paces away from Loki's bed Tony spared the unconscious god one last glance before he slowly made his way to his own bedroom, pausing only to ask JARVIS to wake him up if Loki needed him before whispering a teasing, "Catch me?" to empty air and collapsing into his bed, unconscious.

-oOo- 

Sleep did not come to Tony in peace. It never did. He woke up with a start not even three hours later, shooting up into a sitting position with a hand clutching at the arc reactor in his chest and his throat sore, wispy images of the earth floating away from him and the mangled strips of Loki's veins swirling around his head like a fog. 

"Sir," JARVIS's calm voice, quieter than usual, cut through the fog. "Mr. Laufreyson's condition has remained unchanged. I would suggest that you return to sleep in order to improve your own."

"I-I can't..I-I gotta-"

"Mr. Laufreyson is stable, sir, and I will alert you if his condition changes. However, I must draw to your attention that if you continue to neglect your own health it will deteriorate to a point at which you will not be capable of caring for Mr. Laufreyson properly." There was a slight hesitation, before JARVIS added, "Is that what you want, sir?" 

So Tony nodded, and with his hand still pressed to his chest, he let himself lay back down. 

"You'll...you'll let me know....you'll tell me if something happens to him?"

"Certainly, sir," JARVIS responded. 

"He's not...he's not gonna die."

"Of course not, sir."

"Okay." And Tony let the blackness still lingering at the edges of his vision take over once again. 

"Goodnight, sir."

-oOo-

_"Brother! Brother, would you like to see what I've learned today?" It had been a long, long time since the halls of Asgard had looked so bright, so golden, so sparkling to Loki's eyes. They twisted and inverted in weird shapes that Loki knew wasn't right but the information was a mere hum in the back of his mind. He couldn't wait to show Thor the new spell he'd learned._

_"Loki." Thor greeted, "how do you fare, brother?"_

_"I am well Thor!" Loki grinned, coming to a halt beside the older. "I learned a new spell today! Mother tells me it is exceptionally advanced for my age and skill. She says when I grow older," Loki dropped his voice to an excited whisper, eyes darting around to check that they were alone in the hall and leaning close, "that I might become more powerful than Father!"_

_Thor made an odd sound, his face contouring into a smooth expression of disapproval so similar to Odin's own expression that Loki could already feel his stomach drop._

_"Loki!" Thor hissed, advancing towards him. "You must never say those words again!" Loki stumbled backward until his back hit the wall. He'd never felt afraid of Thor before, but now his legs were trembling._

_"But-but mother said-"_

_"She is simply entertaining your wild fantasies, Loki. Magic is a women's art. You are a boy, a prince. You must learn to fight like one." Thor growled._

_"But-but you've always enjoyed my tricks," Loki whispered, hating the way his voice wobbled. "L-look, I can make multiple versions of myself, I'll show you-" Thor pinned Loki's wrists to the wall as he raised his arms, anger pouring from the thunder god's figure and lightning cracking in the sky. White-hot pain seared through Loki's wrists and he tried desperately to move away from Thor's grip, but he wasn't strong enough._

_Never enough._

_"You will do no such thing." Thor's snarled, checking behind him once to see if anyone was there. "Heed my words, brother. Your average magic will not save you in battle. And I shall not be seen around such a silly thing. I am a prince, Loki, and so are you. Please, for mine and your sake, drop these frivolous ideas and learn to be a decent son and prince." Thor glared at him, though his face was wonky and distorted through salty-water that Loki, try as he might, could not keep from spilling down his cheeks. Thor's grip on his wrists loosened at that, and for a second he returned to his old, caring self._

_"Loki, brother, do not cry." Yet that only made Loki cry harder._

_"Norns, Loki, cease your tears. It is not becoming of you to cry. I should not be seen with you." Thor stepped back, and Loki's chest ached like nothing he'd ever felt before. Finally, he showed Thor his new spell: disappearing into a cloud of sparkling-green mist._

The world was wonky, a little fuzzy, and it didn't quite feel real as Loki opened his eyes once again. He frowned at his new location. It didn't seem like Hel. Though perhaps his daughter had taken pity on him and moved him to another place. 

_Pity which I don't deserve._

He sat up in the bed slowly. The room seemed to spin a little bit as he swung his legs over the side of the bed, but Loki was long-since accustomed to dizzy spells, so he simply closed his eyes and breathed deeply.

It was an odd kind of peace, the quiet of the room, save for the sound of his breathing and the beat of his heart-

_That..can't be right. The dead do not have a pulse. Why do I-_

Loki opened his eyes, very, very slowly, and with equal slowness, raised his arms to his face. 

They were bandaged. 

"Good afternoon, Sir." a loud voice suddenly rang out, and Loki shrieked, leaping from the bed a bit too quickly and stumbling to the ground. He looked around wildly, clambering back up to a seated position on the bed and finding no source to the sudden voice. 

"Reindeer Games!" came another, new voice, and suddenly Tony Stark came running into the room, clothing wrinkled and hair a wild mess on his head. "JARVIS told me you were awake-a"

"There is a _ghost_ in your ceiling, Stark." Loki interrupted, wide eyes still darting around the room. Tony paused, opened his mouth, closed it, and then opened it again. 

"I'm sorry, a _what now?_ " 

"A ghost. It spoke to me, though I cannot see it. Usually, I can see the dead. What drugs have you infected me with?" 

"You can see the-, okay backtrack, what the fuck?" 

"I do believe he is referring to me, Sir." Loki shrieked again, cheeks coloring slightly at the action but pointing to the ceiling with a stinging-wrist. 

"A ghost!" he repeated, and Tony burst out laughing. 

"What?" Loki squawked, glaring at the man as he bent over, clutching his chest as he wheezed. 

"What is so funny?" he demanded again, growling when the inventor laughed harder. He sent a little green ball of electricity to Tony's stomach, knocking the man onto his ass. 

"Ow-fuck, why did you-are you okay?" Tony yelped, rushing over to Loki's side. His vision had begun to tunnel, black spots dancing around his eyes again and his body suddenly felt very heavy. _Alright, perhaps immediately using my magic was a poor decision._

"Don't touch me," Loki growled, shying away from Tony's worried hands hovering over his shoulders. "I'm perfectly fine." He took a few deep breaths, the dizziness clearing slightly before looking Tony straight into the eye. 

"Why are you here?" Tony spluttered, an indignant look crossing his face.

"Why am I-the ghost in the ceiling tells me random shit. He told me you were awake so I came to check on you." Loki rolled his eyes. 

"Yes, but why are you dead? I recall you being perfectly healthy before." Tony's joking expression dropped completely and was replaced by one of sorrow. 

"Lokes, I'm not dead." Loki chose to ignore the nickname in favor of a much more concerning issue. 

"Then..then that would mean..." he trailed off. 

"You're not dead either." Tony's voice was slow and rather soft, though he was fidgeting with his hands and he looked a bit out-of-place. Loki decided he kind of preferred that to straight up pity. 

"I-I don't understand, I should be dead." 

"I-I found you in the bathroom and Bruce and I fixed you up. Thor carried you here. You..nearly died."

For once in his life, Loki forgot about his appearance and his reputation and was consumed only by grief. His hands shook and his eyes watered. He didn't try to keep the hysteria out of his voice.

"Why?" he shrieked, shoving Tony backward, "why did you do that? I didn't ask for that! I didn't ask for any of this! I just wanted to die! Why couldn't you let me have just that? Just that!" Tony gripped his arms, holding them in place from shoving him anymore yet only driving Loki into further panic. He crumpled to the ground, his angry yells dissolving into tears. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, don't touch me please, I'm sorry," he mumbled, over and over, his skin burning with memories he didn't want to think about. 

"It's okay, I'm not touching you, you're okay. Just breathe, alright. Breathe, Loki." 

Humiliation wasn't something Loki was estranged to, but it still burned and boiled, and when he'd gotten his breathing under control and his tears to stop flowing, he buried his arms and waited for Tony to leave him alone. But he didn't. 

"Why won't you leave?" he whispered, voice cracking.

"I don't think you really want me to," Tony answered, though his voice was not taunting. Still, Loki glared. 

"And how the Hel would you know what I want?" 

"Haven't you been alone enough?" Loki considered this. 

"What, am I on suicide-watch or something?" he snapped. Tony blew air through his nose. 

"You could say that. Or you could...you know, actually _admit_ people care about you and don't want you dead." 

"Why?" Loki's tone was an incredulous one. _Why would anyone want me?_

"You remind me a lot of myself, in a way. Not to sound like some grandpa or something. I'm not _that_ old. Or old at all. If anyone asks, I'm in my twenties. But, you know. I've told you about my life and shit. " Loki lifted his head from his hands to face Tony with an exhausted expression. 

"How do you know about my life?"

"I don't, you've never told me about it. And I'm not inclined to believe Thor." 

"You've never asked."

"Did you want me to ask?"

"I don't know. I am not adept at relating to other people...emotionally. That is a dangerous way to be."

"Well, I've got horrible people skills too, Reindeer Games. People usually hate me, and for good reasons! I'm an asshole, but a genius at that." Tony winked at Loki's raised eyebrow. "But that doesn't matter. I've never had anyone for me, looks like you've never had anyone _truly_ for you. Why pass this up? Perfect opportunity. You've somehow grown on me, Lokes. And not to mention, you've got a real pretty face there, sweetheart." Loki's eyebrows shot up. 

"Are you..insinuating something?" 

"Perhaps. I don't know for sure. You're right, I don't know-know you. But I can't ignore that you're hot." Loki blinked. 

"You wouldn't be saying that if you knew of my true form." Tony shrugged. 

"What? That you're blue?" Tony waved a hand at Loki's panic-stricken expression. "Chill out, snowflake, you only turned sorta-blue. I thought it was pretty." Tony wiggled his eyebrows, "Would love to see the whole thing one day." 

Loki choked.

"But-but-" 

"What? No one's ever told you you're gorgeous before?" Loki shook his head rapidly. 

"Not with pure intentions." Tony's smile dropped. 

"Oh. Shit, I'm sorry." Tony mumbled. Loki shrugged. 

"It's fine. I'm flattered by your words. Uh, can I have some clothes?" he asked softly, gesturing to the thin hospital gown he was dressed in. 

"Oh, sure, sure! I hope you like band t-shirts. Pants will probably be a bit baggy on you. Sorry, you don't have your own shit yet, you'll have to borrow mine. Hey, have I mentioned you'd look smoking in black? Oh, you could be a goth. I could see that. Totally seeing that. Hot. I wonder if Natasha knows about that shit? She's always got great style. Don't tell her I said that. She'll cut my dick off or something. But ooo black nail polish, yeah. Okay. We'll work on that later. Hungry?"


	18. Chapter Eighteen

After rummaging through the back of his closet and finding some old clothes from his teenage years, Tony handed them to Loki and disappeared into his bathroom to let the god get dressed. He pulled on a pair of jeans and a Black Sabbath t-shirt, lacing up a pair of black sneakers before beginning to pace the room, running his fingers through his tangled hair and freezing every few seconds at the paranoid thought that he smelled blood. 

_How the fuck am I supposed to talk about this?_

He sighed, bracing himself against the sink counter. He took a deep breath and left the room. Loki was sitting on the bed, seeming almost small in the baggy queen t-shirt and black jeans. His hair was tangled and greasy, falling across his shoulders with a few strands hanging in front of his eyes. His nails were lined with dried blood and were picking at the bandages on his wrists, but he stopped the moment he noticed Tony was back. Tony swallowed thickly.

"Alright snowflake, let's get some breakfast," he said, pointing a finger towards the door. Loki didn't move. 

"I'm not hungry, Stark," Loki muttered, eyes fixed on the floor. Tony cringed internally, feeling an odd sense of loss. Loki had been calling him Tony or Anthony for a week or so now. 

"I really don't believe you. You've barely eaten anything since you got here, and Bruce ran the tests. You weren't eating anything before that either." Loki scowled at that. 

"I'm not hungry, leave me be." 

"C'mon Lokes," Tony sighed, moving away from the door and coming to sit beside the god, "why aren't you eating?" Loki growled.

"I thought we weren't talking about such things." 

"We weren't. I didn't want to push you, and I still don't. But you have to talk about shit at some point, Loki." 

"I'm perfectly fine, Stark." Loki snapped, beginning to scratch at his fingers. Tony took a risk and took Loki's hands in his own, preventing him from scratching himself any further. 

"I will not hesitate to throw you out of your window again." The threat lacked any true passion behind the words, but to Tony's surprise, Loki did not pull his hands away. 

"Yeah, have fun with that. You nearly passed out just a second ago, I don't think you're in any shape to be chucking people off buildings yet. And I'd really rather not repeat that, thanks." Loki scowled. "Listen snowflake, I can't and will not try to _make_ you talk. I stand by my point that you need to let that shit out and admit you're damaged, 'cos I can see it plain as day and I know from experience that trying to pretend everything is fine only makes shit worse. I know it feels stupid and embarrassing, and exposing, and a shit ton of other crap that sucks, but it does help."

"Why would you wish to hear of my troubles?" Loki murmured.

"Because I care about you. Believe it or not, you scared me fucking shitless! I thought you were going to die and I don't want you to die." Loki narrowed his eyes. 

"Thor insists that he cares, yet every time I have ever tried to explain to him my world he mocks and ridicules me. He says I am a liar and a trickster and can never see my words as truth, and yet he claims he is my brother, blood or not. Why should I believe that you care?" Tony nodded, before leaning back and flopping down on the bed, keeping Loki'd left hand safely encased in his own while letting go of his right to run it through his hair. Loki arched a brow. 

"They always saw Thor as better than you, didn't they?" Tony asked, watching as Loki immediately dropped eye-contact. 

"They did, and still do." 

"Because he prefers brute strength to intellect?" 

"Intellect is not valued in Asgardian culture, which is appalling as intellect and knowledge is the one thing that keeps Asgard running and superior to the other realms. Odin is the only male not ridiculed for being wise, as he is King and it is how things have always been. Magic is viewed as a women's art, not fit for a man. And I have both." 

"My father hated me too." 

"He's _not_ my father," Loki growled. 

"Yeah, yeah," Tony waved his hand dismissively, "father-figure, whatever. I know he's not your blood father but he's who you've tried to impress your whole fucking life, no?" Loki stared at him.

"I tried to impress my father too. I was a skinny emo-lookin' kid. I wasn't strong, didn't have friends, and I didn't care about strength or brute force or what say you. I liked to invent things, still do obviously. But my father was also a genius inventor, so I always tried to impress him. I just wanted an ounce of his approval. But, you know Steve? Captain Underpants? Star-spangled Asshole? Capsicle?" Loki nodded slowly.

"The man with the shield, Son of Rodgers?" Tony hummed. 

"Well, he was around back when my father was young. A skinny lil' kid. He wanted to join the Army during World War II. But they laughed at 'em 'cos he was so weak. Health problems too I think. But he kept trying. And failing, and eventually, my father helped design Project Rebirth. Long story short, they gave Capsicle some fancy drugs and cooked 'em up and boom, he's big and strong. Fought in the war, his plane crashed in the Arctic eventually but he didn't die, just got frozen for a while. Was found sixty-six years later. But whatever, the point is my father loved Steve. Always told me, "why can't you be more like Steve?", and shit. Became a drunk when we all thought Steve was dead. I couldn't ever be good enough, Steve was always better. He always asked me why I couldn't have been a good son like Steve was. Steve isn't even his son." Tony let out a stuttered breath, glancing up at Loki to find the god listening intently. 

"Well, what I mean by that, is I sort of...get you. In a way. I mean, I don't know what happened to you, and I can't unless you decide one day to spill. But I know some things. And I've heard Thor talk about Asgard a few times. And I told you, I've been...I've been through torture and I get it. I really fucking do. When I first saw you in the cell I was really pissed off. I mean you'd just tried to take over my planet and you'd thrown me out my window, but then I saw the same look in your eyes that I see every time I look in the mirror after waking up from a nightmare, and I saw your eyes were green suddenly. And...I don't know Loki, humans are fucking strange? We make connections and crap. But I get it. And I wanna help. What's the harm in letting someone try to help?" 

"They'll go," Loki whispered, and Tony sat up. Loki's eyes were downcast again, glistening with tears that he was visibly attempting to repress. "They'll go," he repeated. 

"Why?" 

"I don't know," Loki whispered, a tear escaping his eye and dripping down his cheek. 

"Lokes," Tony murmured, leaning over to wrap the god in a hug, but Loki shrunk into himself. 

"Don't." his voice was barely audible, but Tony heard it and reluctantly drew back. "I just, I'm not hungry Stark, okay?" 

"I can hear your stomach making all sorts of weird noises from here." Loki hadn't pulled his hand away, so Tony began to rub gentle circles into his skin with his thumb. 

"I-I don't wish to go down there, please." 

_Oh._

"Well that's alright, they annoy the fuck out of me too! We don't have to go down to the main floor. Everyone's floor in the tower has its own kitchen, and shockingly I do know how to cook. You're on my floor by the way. Welcome to Castle Stark." Loki raised an eyebrow again. 

"Isn't this entire tower 'Castle Stark'?" Tony shrugged. 

"Yeah well, this is the _special_ Castle Stark, baby. Just wait until I show you my lab! No one's allowed in there, but you're pretty enough to get by." Tony waggled his eyebrows dramatically, and surprisingly Loki's cheeks colored just a tad bit. 

"Now c'mon, Snowflake, " Tony said, gesturing with his head to the door and loving the way Loki's cheeks grew even warmer at the pet-name, "I make some mean pancakes. Ever had a pancake? They're delicious." 

oOo

Loki had not, in fact, ever eaten a pancake, and they quickly became one of his new favorite things. Tony had guided him to the kitchen down the hallway and past the living room, gesturing for him to take a seat on one of the barstools at the breakfast nook. The kitchen was quite spacious. The cabinets were dark brown in color, with silver handles on the doors and drawers. The countertops were made of silvery-white marble, with silver stainless-steel appliances. Loki wasn't sure what most of the appliances were. He recognized the oven and sink, but there were other machines, some large and some smaller in size all throughout the kitchen which he was not sure what the function was. The bright overhead lights turned on automatically, which Tony explained was by the powers of the ceiling ghost, JARVIS, who happily introduced himself to Loki's calmer state. Loki sat at the island and watched intently as Tony busied himself with taking out various ingredients and bowls. 

"What kinds of things do you like?" Tony asked absent-mindedly as he poured milk into a measuring cup. 

"Pardon?" 

"On pancakes, you know? Fruity, sweet, savory?" Loki chewed on his bottom lip. 

"I'm not sure...surprise me." Tony grinned. 

"Cool well, let's hope you like things sweet." he winked. 

A few minutes later Tony set down two plates of steaming vanilla pancakes on the table, topped with whipped cream from the can, strawberries, blueberries, chocolate syrup, and powdered sugar. 

"What is this?" Loki asked, pointing to the whipped cream. Tony grinned, retrieving the can of whipped cream from the counter. 

"It's heaven in a fucking can, Lokes, put your finger out." Loki obeyed, though somewhat hesitantly, and Tony sprayed some of the whipped cream onto the thin digit. "Try it!" he beamed, spraying some onto his own finger as well and popping it into his mouth. Loki very cautiously licked a bit of the whipped cream off the tip of his finger, before his eyes widened and he stuck his entire finger into his mouth. 

"See, I told you," Tony smirked, setting the can down at the sound of the kettle whistling. He returned balancing four steaming mugs in his hands, setting two down at each plate. 

"Alright, so this one," he said, pointing to the blue mug next to Loki's plate, "is called coffee. It's the best creation known to man. A little bitter. See if you like it. And this one," he pointed to the red mug, "is hot chocolate. Do you have hot chocolate on Ass-gard?" Loki shook his head slowly. "Well, it's sweeter than coffee 'cos it's made from chocolate. I think you'll like that one too." 

"Are...I can have all of this?" Loki asked, wide eyes roaming around the heaping plates and steaming mugs. 

"No shit sherlock, I made them for ya. You can have more if you want too, I don't know how much Norse gods eat." Tony shoveled a forkful of pancake into his mouth. Loki ran his tongue across his lips. 

"Norns, I haven't had food in..." Loki trailed off, instead delicately cutting a slice of the pancakes off from the stack. His royalty-standard manners, which were much unlike Thor, lasted up until the fork reached his lips, at which he let out what sounded like a moan, letting his elbows rest on the table and shoveling food down his throat. Tony smiled, digging into his own food until Loki suddenly made an odd sound, pushing himself away from the table and wiping his mouth hastily, he looked up to Tony, but immediately back down when they made eye-contact. 

"My apologies, I, uh, I'm sorry. That was quite rude...I'm sorry..." Tony scoffed and Loki flinched just slightly. 

"Dude, I don't give a _shit_ about table manners." Tony laughed, dropping his fork and picking up a half-eaten pancake with his fingers, folding it like a taco. "See? Go nuts, my friend, we're all animals here." He tore a bite off the pancake with his teeth, making a growling noise when he did and laughing when he almost choked. Loki smiled softly, and continued his meal, though this time a bit slower. 

"Woah," Tony breathed, staring at the god as he took a swig from the red mug. Loki swallowed, "What?"

"You should do that more often. Smile. It's...it's really pretty." Loki's cheeks went red, and he dropped his gaze to his pancakes, visibly fighting another smile. 

"Aw, no c'mon sugar, don't hide it!" Tony laughed, leaning back slightly. 

"Careful there Stark, you wouldn't want to win my affections," Loki said, taking another sip of his hot chocolate. 

"I have a chance at winning your affections?" Tony asked, smirking. Loki stared at him for a long moment, until he dropped his gaze. 

"I find this drink quite delightful," he said smoothly. 

"Yeah, the hot chocolate?" Tony accepted the topic-change, although slightly disappointed. Loki nodded. "Did you like the coffee too?" Loki nodded. 

"It's a bit bitter, but still quite tasteful." 

"You can get it with different flavors too," Tony rose from the table, collecting their dirty dishes and depositing them in the sink. Loki rose from the table as well, hot chocolate in hand, but stumbled, the cup slipping from his hand and shattering on the floor. Tony jumped to Loki's side, reaching a hand out to his shoulder to steady him, but Loki scrambled away, swaying dangerously and raising shaking arms to fight Tony off. His eyes were wild, head snapping back and forth and breaths coming in short. 

"Lokes, it's alright," Tony murmured, raising his own hands in surrender. Loki wrapped his arms around his torso tightly, digging his fingers into his sides. "Hey, don't do that, c'mon you'll hurt yourself." 

"Sorry," Loki choked out, eyes locked on the shattered cup on the floor. "I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't mean to." 

"I know, I know. It's okay. I'm not mad." Tony stepped a little closer to Loki, who this time didn't seem to notice. 

"I didn't mean to," he repeated, tears beginning to slip down his cheeks. Tony took another step closer, extending his arms to Loki slowly. 

"It's okay Snowflake, c'mere okay, squeeze my hand instead." Loki didn't move, so Tony stepped a bit closer, brushing his fingers very gently against the back of Loki's hands. Loki flinched, but didn't move, and eventually loosened his fingers from his chest and let Tony take them. He squeezed them hard. 

"C'mere, don't look at that okay? It's not your fault." Tony murmured, gently turning Loki around so that he couldn't see the broken mug. "Let's go sit down, okay? I'm not mad." 

Loki allowed himself to be led into the living room and gently guided to one of the large couches. Tony sat right beside him and didn't let go of his hands. 

"J, can you put on FRIENDS real quiet?" Tony murmured, and the television flickered to life, the first episode of one of Tony's favorite shows making a soft white-noise. They sat like that for the entire first season of FRIENDS, Loki's strangled breathing very slowly evening out, and his death-grip on Tony's hands loosening by the ninth episode. 

"I'm sorry," Loki's quiet voice almost startled Tony in the middle of episode one for season two of FRIENDS. He turned to face Loki, and JARVIS lowered the volume even more so that they could talk. 

"Don't apologize, it wasn't your fault. You nearly died from blood loss last night Loki, special healing abilities or not, you still need to rest before you're back on your game, and you've gone through a hell of a lot more shit before that." They lapsed back into silence. 

"What triggered it? I mean, I know it was the cup, but why?" Tony asked, squeezing Loki's hands when he tensed. Loki's tongue darted out and ran across his lips, something Tony was beginning to notice was a habit, and suddenly something clicked. 

"Stitches," Tony muttered, and Loki's gaze snapped to his. 

"How did you know that?" he hissed. "Did Thor tell you?" his voice had gone from shaking and trembling to bitter and poisonous in a matter of seconds. 

"No, no Thor actually refuses to talk about it. But when I took off the muzzle you panicked a little bit." Loki deflated at that. 

"You are correct." 

"Wanna tell me why, Snowflake?"

"They...they are...were, a result of something everyone believed I did." Loki looked up to Tony, clouded, green eyes shining with tears. "But it wasn't. I promise. I didn't do it." 

"I don't exactly know when to shut up, so you can like...slap me or whatever, but why aren't there scars? You have a shit ton of other scars but I don't see any there." Tony asked, his mouth moving before his brain could really catch up. But Loki didn't seem to take offense. 

"There are," he muttered, and Tony peered at his thin lips. Loki sighed. 

"I have then hidden by a glamour spell." 

"I didn't see them last night though? You were turning a little blue and Thor said it was because the spell took too much energy and you were losing it. I think I would have remembered if I'd seen that...but I guess I was super distracted..." Tony trailed off. 

"Thor is...correct. The spell for my Aseir form takes much energy. That is, I hardly notice I'm doing it, but it's a powerful enough spell to have gone first when I was dying. A simple glamour to hide scars is nothing. It would have been the last to go, I suspect." Loki glanced at Tony for a few seconds, before there was a small flash of green light, and suddenly thick, gagged scars were running down his lips, disappearing into his mouth. They were white and raised, almost morbidly beautiful. 

Without thinking, Tony reached out a hand and gently traced one of the scars. Loki's skin was cold and he shivered against Tony's ghostly touch. 

"Sorry," Tony breathed, pulling away just slightly and replacing his hand into Loki's. 

"It's alright," Loki whispered back. "I suppose you...wish to know the details?" he winced after the words left his mouth, as though waiting for Tony to scoff at him and stalk away. 

"Yeah. I wanna help." Tony whispered, eyes still locked on the scars. 

"There...there are a group of esteemed warriors in Asgard, the Warriors Three, and with them is Sif. Sif is a woman, and women are not usually warriors, but she is stronger than any warrior in Asgard, save for the gods, and worked tirelessly for her position as a warrior, and everyone respects her." Tony nodded. 

"Well, Sif and the Warriors Three are Thor's good friends. They go on hunts together, feast together, train together. They are, as one might say, inseparable. Thor often tries to take me on such hunts and attempts to train with me, to make me into a worthy prince, but I have no interest in hunting or fighting with weapons. My magic is far superior to that, and had I been well, would have won me any battle." Tony nodded again.

"Yeah, I know you probably don't want to hear this, but Thor got really upset right after you'd been brought in. Natasha told me about it when she came to see you. After we had briefed about your condition he lost his shit, smashed a table, started crying. He said he was stupid," Loki chuckled dryly at that, "because he knew your magic was much stronger than his dad, and that if you really had wanted to, you could have all the worlds crumble to dust at your feet without even lifting a finger." Loki blinked. 

"He really said that?" Tony nodded. They lapsed into silence again. Tony was about to ask what happened next when Loki's gentle voice filled the room again. 

"Thor, Sif, and the Warriors Three disliked me greatly. As did all of Asgard, save for mother. They would mock my skills and blame me for anything that went wrong." Loki swallowed. 

"One day, I had been in my chambers for three whole days, studying. Thor dragged me out for the dinner feast. I had to admit, I was quite famished by then. I was listening to Thor boast about some quest he'd recently been on when Sif came bursting through the doors. Now, you must know that Sif is very beautiful, another reason she is so highly praised in Asgard. She had long, golden hair that reached to her hips. She was very proud of her hair and it was of much talk amongst the peoples of Asgard. She often braided it elaborately and many were jealous of its beauty. Sif came bursting through the doors, in tears, and her hair was gone. Chopped off to the tip of her ears. Thor asked what had happened to her, and she pointed her finger at me and shrieked that I had chopped it off. I hadn't, I swear to you. I didn't do it." Loki's breaths began to pick up a little bit. 

"I believe you." 

"You're the only one, then. Everyone immediately agreed that I had been the one to cut her hair. But, it wasn't me. It was her. Sif had been talking amongst us for a while now about cutting it. She loved it, but it was distracting in battle and becoming too much to keep pretty. I don't know why she blamed it on me, and I don't know why Thor and the others agreed with her. But, as I am but a liar and a trickster, everyone believed her. They took me to the throne room, where Odin asked me why I'd cut her hair. I explained to him that it was not me, that I had been in my chambers and Sif had wanted to cut her hair for a long time. He then slammed Gungnir on the floor and said I was a liar, and that they needed to teach me a lesson once and for all so that I would never lie again." Loki was squeezing Tony's hand harder now. 

"Thor held me down over a table, and a bald man whom I do not know took a huge needle and golden thread that Odin cursed to be unbreakable by anyone but him. And they sewed my lips shut. I screamed and begged Thor, but he told me to shut my mouth. And for months, that was all I could do. I could not eat or drink. I would wake up screaming and the stitches would not give. I tried everything to get them out."

Tony felt frozen by rage. "Months?" 

"Yes, months. And no one came for me. I stayed inside my room until one day, they simply snapped off."

"I don't...fuck, I don't know what to say," Tony's voice was strangled. 

"It's fine, Anthony," Loki murmured, his tongue darting out every once and a while past his lips. Tony had a sickening realization that he must be checking to see if he could still open his mouth. 

"It's not fucking fine! It's sick! How could...how could Thor.." Loki shrugged. 

"I suppose now you understand why I do not call him 'brother'." 


	19. Chapter Nineteen

_*The next afternoon*_

"C'mon Loki, we have to," Tony tried, rubbing his forehead with his hand. He'd been trying unsuccessfully for the past twenty minutes to get Loki out of bed and down to the medical bay so that Bruce could check his sutures, but the god remained curled up on his side, back to Tony, just like he had been ever since he'd discussed the scars on his lips with the billionaire. 

"Please," came his faint voice, thick with tears, "I don't want to go there again." Tony bit his lip, circling around to the other side of the bed where he could see Loki's face. The god made no move to turn away, tears streaking from dull eyes staring blankly ahead of him. 

"Alright, alright I'll call Bruce, and we won't do it there," Tony suggested. "I can have him meet us in my lab. You haven't been there before Lokes, I think you'll like it." 

"Who will be there?" Tony wanted to dance with relief since while the whispered question wasn't a direct agreement it was the closest he's gotten toward any positive response yet. 

"Just you, me, and Bruce. Though I don't have to stay if you don't want me to." Loki's eyes snapped to his. 

"You'd leave if I asked you to?" Loki seemed rather shocked at the implication. 

"Yes, but not because I want to leave, only if _you_ want me to leave." Loki hummed softly, looking away again. 

"Do you want me to leave?" Tony asked, not sure if he really wanted the answer. Loki considered this for a moment before he shook his head softly. 

"No." 

"Then yeah, just us." 

"Must we do this?" Loki asked, but he sat up slowly, drawing his knees to his chest and glaring at Tony. 

"Sucks, eh? But yeah. It'll suck even more if those stitches get infected. Thor says you heal really fast though, so I doubt you'll have to get the bandages changed for very long. Besides, dontcha wanna see my fabulous-as-fuck lab?" 

"I suppose."

"Then c'mon, Princess, Bruce is already waiting in the med-bay, I'll tell him to march his ass down to the lab. Let's see who gets there first. Probably Bruce with how slow you are." Loki's glare hardened into a scowl. 

"I am _not_ slow," he growled, sliding his long legs off the bed and rising to his feet, wobbling slightly as he did. 

"Sure, just weak as fuck and still in recovery. Once we get a shitton more of those pancakes in ya you'll be right as rain. Probably scarier than Natasha, if your powers really are as strong as Thor said."

"They are," Loki snapped. 

"I can't wait to see it, Snowflake." Tony grinned. They reached the elevator doors and Tony pushed the button on the wall to call for it. 

"You'd be interested in such things?" Tony could feel Loki's green gaze boring into the back of his skull as they stepped into the elevator. He pushed the button for his lab, leaning against the wall and pretending not to notice as Loki attempted to subtly push himself into the furthest corner. 

"Yeah, I mean, I don't really believe in magic, er...well, I _didn't_. And as a man of science, I don't know if I believe in it now or not. I mean, there has to be some scientific explanation for it all. But I saw what I saw with my own two eyes. Everyone did. And I have to say it was pretty fucking cool. You'll have to show me all the shit you can do someday. When you're all better." Loki smiled a little bit, and Tony could have sworn he wasn't squishing himself into the corner quite so much. The elevator dinged. 

"Hi, Loki, Tony." Bruce greeted warmly as Tony and Loki stepped into the lab. The massive room was quite impressive. The triple enforced sliding glass doors were tinted from the outside and sound-proof, so while one could see smudgy blurs of activities inside it was very private, and they pointed to a large raised portion of the floor in the center of the room, where a mostly disassembled Mock VII suit was suspended by thick cables going into the high ceiling. The suit was surrounded by large curved desks, anointed with various types of thin-screened computers, greasy rags, random tools, and a few cups of fresh coffee; courtesy of Bruce. Behind the desks were large glass cases of various older suits, some with different colors and many in slightly different shapes. To the left of the desks were huge cabinets and a long countertop, with more various tools, multiple coffee pots, a first-aid kit, a blender, and a refrigerator at the end. To the right of the desks were various machines and spare parts, cars, and tables set up with multiple experiments Bruce was tinkering away at. 

"Pretty sexy, eh?" Tony grinned, winking at Loki's poorly-concealed awe. 

"I must admit, this is quite impressive, Anthony, and ah- forgive me, Son of Banner, greetings to you as well." 

"You can call me Bruce," Bruce chuckled and gestured towards one of the tables to the right. "Would you mind sitting up there? I promise this won't take long, but I want to make sure you're not at risk of infection." Loki worried his lip but obeyed, sitting delicately on the table and fidgeting with his fingers. 

"Alright," Bruce said, coming to stand beside the god with a large medical kit in hand, "I'm just going to take the bandages off, check for infection, and rewrap them, then you're good to go. That sound okay?" Loki swallowed but nodded. 

"Right, uh well...you want me to stay?" Tony announced his awkwardness with a little wave. Loki didn't respond but instead fixed Tony with an intense stare, a pleading one. 

"Staying," Tony said a little softer, coming to stand by Loki's other side, who was breathing heavily. 

Bruce began to unwrap the bandages on Loki's right wrist, and Loki's knee began to bounce up and down, his tongue darting out more often than usual and the fingers of his left hand tapping an anxious beat on the table. 

"Just relax," Bruce murmured as he moved the gauze off the wounds. As soon as they came into eyesight, Loki yanked his arm to his chest and shook his head rapidly. 

"Stop," his voice was airy and tight, "don't look at them." 

"I have to make sure they're not going to get infected, Loki. It's nothing to be ashamed about, I see it quite often actually." Bruce said calmly. 

"Y-you do?" 

"Yeah. Unfortunately, it's not an abnormal thing here on Earth. A lot of people turn to self-harm when they're in pain and don't know what else to do. It becomes addicting because it releases endorphins...sorta like people with drug addictions feel. I'm no stranger to suicide either. It's not embarrassing nor does it make you any less of a person. It just means you're in horrible pain and don't have the tools to manage it." Loki shook his head.

"It is considered an act of much shame in Asgard. I have, once again, brought shame upon the house of Odin." Loki whispered. 

"It's not an act of shame, Loki. Those fuckers in Asgard don't understand." Tony murmured. 

"You know Loki, I was suicidal once too," Bruce stated quietly, and Loki's gaze snapped to his. "When I first became the Hulk, it was...a monster I couldn't control. I hurt people. I lived in fear of letting the monster out and hurting people again. I saw death as the only way to solve that problem. Do you think I should be ashamed of that?" 

"No!" Loki exclaimed.

"Then there's no reason for you to be either. You'll get through this, with our help, and come out on the other side stronger than ever." Loki adverted his eyes. 

"Not because you aren't strong now, Snowflake." Tony nudged Loki's shoulder and to his surprise, the god did not flinch away. "You're incredibly strong." 

Bruce slowly took Loki's arm in his own and brought it back to his level. Loki didn't resist, but he remained rigid and tense, so Tony had a stupid idea. 

"Can I braid your hair?" Both men turned to look at him with equal incredulous faces, though Loki's eyes seemed to soften when he realized Tony was being serious. 

"You may," he said. 

"You..you can braid hair?" Bruce spluttered. 

"Yeah, don't ask why."

"No, no, I need to know why." 

"It was a phase Brucie, just a phase," Tony said, tilting Loki's head gently so he could have better access to his hair. 

"Aright never mind, that sounds bad, please spare me the details," Bruce muttered, shaking his head as he pulled out a bottle from the medical kit.

Tony began to comb through Loki's hair with his fingers, being very gentle around the tangles as he did. As he worked through Loki's hair, eventually beginning to twist the strands into a long french braid, Loki's knee stopped bouncing and his fingers stopped drumming on the table. At one point Tony swore he heard Loki sigh in contentment. 

"We really need to wash your hair, Snowflake," Tony teased, looping another strand together to join the braided bunch. Loki scoffed. 

"Are you insulting me?" 

"Oh never, Princess, but just imagine how cute it'll look all fluffy and shit. Bruce, do you have a hair tie?" 

"Why would I have a hair tie?" Bruce asked at the same time that Loki muttered "I'm not cute," and Tony rolled his eyes. 

"Then can you grab this one off me?" he asked, extending his wrist in Bruce's direction, but it was Loki's slender fingers that pulled off the black elastic band from his wrist and handed it to Tony. 

"Oh, all done?" Tony asked, securing the braid with the tie. Bruce hummed. 

"Cool, me too. Aw, look how pretty you look," Tony cooed, messing with the braid a bit before stepping back to admire his work. Loki blushed, but a small smirk tugged at his lips. It dropped the second Bruce spoke next. 

"Loki, do you mind staying here while I talk to Tony for a second? It won't be for very long." 

"I'm perfectly fine on my own, Banner," Loki sneered, "I don't need you to treat me as a child." Bruce held up his hands. 

"Didn't mean to insult you," he said, shooting Tony a glance. Tony sighed, fussing with Loki's hair for another minute before stepping away to join Bruce.

When he left, Loki raised his fingers to his hair and smiled softly. 

oOo

"What's wrong, Brucice?" Tony's voice was light, but his eyes were serious as he peered at the shorter man. Although they'd moved to the furthest corner of the lab, Bruce still lowered his voice. 

"Has he spoken at all about... _anything_?" 

"Well, not really. I mean, he told me the fucked up story behind his lips being fucking sewn shut but sorta clammed up after that. I know I'm a delight to chat with but I was actually a little surprised that he told me that." 

"Do I want to know?" 

"No. You really don't." 

"Tony, he needs to talk about this. Bottling everything up is just going to result in another suicide-attempt. He nearly succeeded last time, if he tries again..." 

"I know, I know that. I know. We can't make him talk though, he won't trust us if we force it on him." Bruce scrubbed a hand over his face. 

"What are we going to do then?" 

"I don't know. I guess I was just going to just keep trying to earn his trust and hope that I can do that. Got better ideas?" 

"Well, what if you took him down here regularly? Not just to change his bandages, but to work and talk? We could chat about anything really, and maybe if he gets used to talking to us, he'll open up more." Bruce suggested. Tony nodded. 

"I think you're on to something. Routines are good for people who are struggling with mental health problems." 

"You have a routine?" 

"Are you kidding? But having something to do helps a lot. I always have things to do. Loki just...lays there." 

"Alright, well then when you take him back here tomorrow, we'll stay and talk. I'd love to hear more about Asgard anyways, the culture difference is intriguing." Tony nodded and gave a mock salute. 

"Aye aye captain." The two walked back to Loki, who eyed them suspiciously as Bruce rummaged through his medical bag. 

"Alright Loki, they're not infected yet, but they're too irritated for my liking. I'm going to have to give you a steroid to help calm down the irritation. It'll make your arms quite achy, I'm afraid. But it will only last for a few hours. If they're still aching tomorrow let me know. I also want you to stay away from getting them wet, and try to limit your arm movement for a little while. Any questions?" 

"I, ah, was hoping to be permitted to shower?" Loki asked, color rising to his cheeks. Bruce frowned. 

"Well, no offense but I think that would be a good idea, only to wash your hair you'd both have to use your arms and run the risk of getting them wet." 

"I could wash your hair for you," Tony interjected, shrugging at Loki's cherry-red cheeks. "It's no biggie. Your hair is kinda fun to mess with." 

"I-I suppose that would be alright," Loki muttered, biting his lips. 

"There's..uh, one problem," Bruce muttered, and Loki glared at him. "It's an injection, one in each arm. It'll be really quick an-"

"NO." Loki snarled, leaping off the table and staggering a few paces away from Bruce, hands gripping the edge of the table in order to remain upright. 

"NO, get away from me!" he wheezed, breath erratic and eyes wild once again. 

"Hey," Tony gently ran his fingers across Loki's arms to ground him, and had the situation been different Tony would have smiled when Loki reached for his hand. "It's okay, Bruce has given me shots before too, I promise it doesn't hurt when he does. Okay? You can hold my hand, I can do your hair again, anything you want, Snowflake. You don't even have to look. Just stare at my sexy face and it'll be over before you know it, I promise." Bruce stepped away a bit to give the two some privacy. 

"I-I can't, Tony I c-can't-" Tears filled his eyes and began to drip down his cheeks as he clutched Tony's hands in a death-grip. "Please, please don't make me do this, please I can't, not again, please," Tony's eyes widened in realization. 

"This reminds you of whoever hurt you, doesn't it?" he asked very softly, and at his words Loki's body convulsed slightly, his eyes scrunching shut and he whimpered. 

"Shh, it's alright, no one's gonna hurt you," Tony murmured, squeezing his hands harder. "Brucie, I think we're gonna pass on that, okay?" he called, looking the scientist dead in the eyes. Bruce nodded.

"Alright, I'm sorry I upset you Loki. I shouldn't have mentioned it." Loki didn't answer, but Tony flashed Bruce a grateful smile as he began to lead the shaking god back towards the elevators. 

oOo

"I'm sorry for embarrassing you in front of your friend." came Loki's soft voice over the sound of Tony washing their earlier lunch dishes from that day in the sink. _Look at me, the great Tony Stark, washing dishes like a middle-aged mother. Jeez._

"You didn't embarrass me Loki, and there's no need for an apology. I understand." Loki was perched on one of the bar stools at the breakfast nook, nursing a cup of hot chocolate in his hands. He didn't answer, instead, staring into the steaming brown liquid as though it contained the secrets to the universe. 

"No, really, I do," Tony said, shutting off the water and drying his hands with a towel. "I still can't take baths or go in swimming pools. I probably never will. It's nothing to be ashamed about, it's just a part of having trauma." _Where are these wise words coming from?_

"It was a simple needle, and I lost my composure. Making that twice, which I lost my composure around your friend and three times around you. It's disgraceful." Loki muttered. 

"No, it's really not. I'm assuming Ass-gard is not the type of place where people really talk about their feelings, but it's different here on Earth. Loosen up, honey, no one is going to judge you and it might really help to talk about those things." 

"And how do I know that the people with which I speak to will not desert me, or stab me in the back at the first chance?" Loki asked, genuine confusion written across his face. Tony sighed and took a seat across from Loki. 

"You don't, which is the scary part of opening up to people. There's no rule that says they aren't going to leave you all alone again. But despite what life has seemed to teach you, most people aren't assholes. You just have to find the ones you trust and..well...yeah." 

"Who is it that you trust?" Loki asked. 

"Well, it's a short list. I have an old friend named Rhodey, who has been at my side for a lot of things but also has...not been. It's complicated, as relationships tend to be. I had Pepper but I never really talked to her, and now we're not a thing anymore. But, Bruce. I have Bruce. He doesn't judge, he doesn't push me to talk about anything he just is there when I feel like talking. He's never told a soul about a single secret of mine. And you, you're weirdly easy to trust." 

"I'm easy to trust? I? Loki? The god of _lies_?" 

"And 'speaker of hard truths', right?" Loki blinked.

"Normally people overlook that part," he murmured. 

"What can I say? I'm curious." Loki hummed. 

"Perhaps one day, Anthony." he eventually said, staring again now at his hot chocolate. 

"One day what?"

"I'll speak to you." 


	20. Chapter Twenty

"I'd think twice before attempting to poison me." Loki's voice was toneless, but his burning glare spoke volumes. Tony rolled his eyes, throwing up his hands and nearly dropping the knife he was holding in the process. 

"I _swear_ to you that this is a normal thing on Earth. Fake meat tastes exactly like real meat, so you get the experience but not the actual animal product. It's _not_ poison." Tony had been proving to be a quite formidable cook, even in the light of Loki's revelation that he was a vegetarian. Yet, when Tony had shown him the faux meat sausages, Loki immediately decided that they were poisonous. 

"I don't understand why you Midgardians create such things. If you don't eat meat why put in the effort of creating something entirely different that tastes exactly like it?"

"Because some people still like the taste of meat even though they don't want to eat it. Or can't eat it. Why _are_ you a vegetarian anyway? Are-hey wait you're a shapeshifter, aren't you?"

"I am, yes," Loki responded slowly, lifting an eyebrow as he continued to stir the pot Tony had assigned him to slowly. 

"Then since you can 'be' any animal, wouldn't any animal product you eat technically be cannibalism?" Loki scrunched up his nose. 

"Doubtful, since the forms I take on are not my true ones. But I most certainly do not appreciate the idea. I won't be able to get _that_ out of my head for quite some time." 

"Sorry, not sorry. Oh, lookie, your poisonous sausage is ready. Yummy!" Tony divided the faux sausages onto two plates along with a heaping pile of shredded brussels sprouts from Loki's pot, and a piece of sourdough bread. He carried the plates to the breakfast nook and took the seat on the inside of the kitchen while Loki took the seat on the outside, an unspoken regularity in their slowly developing routine that Tony found he rather liked. 

"Can you transform into a plant?"

"Yes," Loki sighed, rolling his eyes. 

"Then you can't eat _anything_ without it _sort of_ being cannibalism, eh?"

"Stark," Loki scowled at the inventor, " _Stop_." 

"Alright, alright, stopping," Tony chuckled, raising his hands in surrender as he watched Loki begin to peer at his food with narrowed eyes. 

"Reindeer Games, seriously, it's not poison. It ain't gonna kill you." Tony chucked as Loki poked one of the faux sausages with his fork in clear distrust. 

"How unfortunate," Loki sighed, finally cutting a piece off the link and placing it delicately in his mouth. He ignored Tony's glare in favor of making a pleased sound as he chewed. 

"Alright, I stand corrected. Your atrocious faux meats are not atrocious after all." Tony shot him a smug grin, digging into his own meal as well. 

"I told you that you'd like 'em, didn't I?" Loki hummed. 

"So did you want me to wash your hair for you after dinner?" Tony asked, tilting his head when Loki stiffened. 

"Uh, yes...if...if you-"

"I want to, don't worry about that. You just seem a little uncomfortable, is all." Tony interjected, continuing to eat in hopes that would put Loki at ease. He had always hated admitting his feelings, but especially when people were staring. The room would seem to shrink and everyone's gazes would burn into his skin, hot and itchy and unbearable and he'd clam up more than he'd heal. Loki seemed to be the same, so Tony leaned back in his seat, cutting up the last of his faux sausage as he waited for Loki's response; instead of staring at him. 

"I'm not...clean." came Loki's small voice.

"No offense, Snowflake, but I'm very aware that you haven't showered in some time." Tony quipped, shooting the god a small smirk. Loki didn't meet his eyes. 

"I didn't mean it like that. I...I'm not...I...have damage? Er, nevermind. Forget I said anything. I think I'd rather retire, actually. Goodnight, Stark." Loki rose to his feet and Tony did not miss the way he had to brace himself against the table to stand up. 

"Wait, honey, c'mon, stay." Tony pleaded, reaching for Loki's hand and frowning when he winced slightly at the touch. Tony walked around to Loki's side of the table, taking his other hand as well. The god sighed but sat back down gingerly, letting Tony run his fingers very carefully over the bandages as though he could heal his wounds by touch alone. 

"Are they hurting you?" He whispered. Loki hesitated but nodded. 

"Lokes, why did you do it?" Tony finally asked the burning question on his tongue, and Loki was quiet for a long, long time. 

"Has...has Thor told you of the last time he and I spoke? On Asgard?" Loki finally asked.

"Vaguely. He said his dad told you that you were adopted, something happened and he got exiled, and then something else happened and you fell off some magical bridge thingy? I'm gonna guess that ain't the full story though." Loki shook his head, swallowing thickly. 

"Thor is the heir to the throne of Asgard, and at the time he was preparing to take Fath- _Odin's_ place as king. But, the Frost Giants invaded Asgard and attempted to retrieve the Casket of Ancient Winters. The Frost Giants, or the Jotun, come from Jotunheimr, a realm of cold and darkness. They are monstrous beasts and are the foremost enemy of Asgard." Loki spoke as though reciting from a textbook, eyes clouded and far-away looking.

"Odin and his warriors defeated them in a great war many centuries ago, and their source of power, the Casket of Winters, was taken from them and has been kept safe in Asgard's vaults ever since. They are...they are the monsters parents tell their children of at night. We grew up knowing of the evil Frost Giants, and...and Thor always said he would slay them all so that they'd never..." Loki trailed off, biting his lips. Tony switched from holding his arms to holding his hands, running his fingers over Loki's thin knuckles and squeezing his fingers softly. 

"Well, they are hated by all, of course, for they are monsters and should be killed. But...ah, but several attempted to break into the weapons vault of the royal palace during Thor's coronation, but the Destroyer stopped them."

"The huge robot, alien thingy?" Tony asked. 

"Yes, it's used primarily to guard Odin's vault, but...I believe I used it against Thor in battle on Midgard. Odin was not very concerned about the intrusion, though, so Thor took matters into his own hands. He went behind Odin's back and convinced the Lady Sif, the Warriors Three, and I to accompany him to Jotunheim in order to confront Laufrey. When...when we arrived there was a battle, of course, and at one point I moved to stab one of the beasts. Their touch causes horrible frostbite, and the giant intercepted my attack by grabbing my arm. The sleeve of my armor froze off but no pain came. Instead, my...my hand it..." Loki trailed off again. 

"It turned blue, didn't it?" Tony supplied softly, and Loki nodded, tears filling his eyes. 

"I couldn't stop for long to...to stare and it turned back to my normal form very quickly. The battle went south and Odin had to rescue us. When we returned to Asgard, Thor was immediately banished and I hid from the others so they would not see the damage to my amour. Later, I went to the weapons vault to the Casket. I...I..." Loki's breaths were harsh, his voice wobbling as he spoke and Tony wanted nothing more than to wrap him up in a hug. 

"S'alright, Snowflake. Take your time. We've got all-"

"I am a monster!" Loki shouted, his eyes burning hollow holes behind Tony's head. "I am a Frost Giant, Anthony, do you not understand? Odin took me, _Laufrey's son,_ from the war. I was abandoned to die at birth and I wish they'd left me! I am the monster that parents tell their children of at night. I was taken for Odin's plots to amend the political situation between Asgard and Jotunheimer. I am nothing but a stolen relic. I am what Thor and every other Asgardian has vowed to destroy, to murder. I was doing it for them when I fell from the Bifrost. I was trying to make things good, for once. I...I just wanted the pain to _stop_." Loki finished, voice now barely a whisper. 

"I just wanted it to stop." 

The salty water dripping down Loki's cheeks, which Tony was beginning to think might always be tear-stained, mixed with his own tears, and Loki looked up to him with wide eyes. 

"You're crying. Why are you-"

"You're not a monster, Loki." 

"Don't you understand? I am a Frost Giant, I-"

"That doesn't make you a monster," Tony said firmly.

"The Frost Giants are monsters. They are hideous beasts who kill. They wish to take over the realms and rule them. They have killed hundreds, if not thousands! You should be afraid of me." 

"But that doesn't make _you_ a monster, and I'm not afraid of you. Belonging to a race whose been known to do some bad shit does not in any way translate into _you_ being a monster. I mean, I'm a human. Humans have done some pretty horrendous shit. Have you ever heard of the Holocaust? The people involved in that were monsters. No question about it. But does that mean the entire human population is composed of monsters? No. The same thing goes for you, honey. Are there Jotuns who have done horrible things? Sure. Are all Jotuns monsters? No. Because I'm holding the hands of a Jotun who is the opposite of a monster. You're perfect." 

"I am hardly perfect, don't lie to me." 

"I'm not lying to you. I think you're perfect." Loki's tired emerald-green eyes flickered to Tony's own chocolate ones. 

"Do you jest?" he whispered. 

"No, Loki, I really do think you're perfect." 

"No one has ever said such things to me." Loki breathed, and Tony realized then how close their faces were. He could pick out every shade of green in Loki's eyes, every layer of olive and basil, emerald and sage, pine and clover, melted and molded together to create something hauntingly beautiful, rimmed with pain and suffering, heartbreak and longing; something so preciously delicate; close enough that the warm puffs of Loki's breath mingled with his own. His heartbeat was loud, bashing inside his chest and thrumming underneath his skin so hard it felt as though he might burst, and Tony thought that it was impossible for Loki not to hear it. The room seemed unnecessarily hot and they were so close and-

It was Loki's thin lips that met his own, a ghost of a kiss, though Tony felt his breath being stolen away; never to be returned. His lips were cold, like icecubes or freezing rain, or...snowflakes. The world lit up in bright color, as though Tony's entire being had been reawoken with new life. His veins thrummed with white-hot energy, his pulse wild and erratic underneath his skin. Loki's eyes were closed when he pulled away, just slightly. 

"Woah."

"Anthony?" Loki's voice was scarcely a whisper. 

"Hmm?"

"What are we?" Tony took a moment to consider that. _What were they?_ The question itself seemed inherently dangerous, as though to dwell upon it would catapult his body off a cliff of ponderings and future scenarios of bright happiness or dull gloom. _What were they?_ Tony'd had many past lovers throughout his life. Some he couldn't recall names or faces for, and some still held pieces of his heart. Heartbreak is not something he's overly fond of. He's been running from it all his life. To dive into...whatever this is or might be seems like it could be as good as suicide. But he's not stupid, far from it. Tony can see how just in the past month that he's known Loki; he's changed. The thought fills him both simultaneously with wonder and with fear. If he's changed this much in so short a time, who will he be in one year's time? Five years? Ten years? Will he be a completely different person? Unrecognizable from the Tony Stark that walked the streets last week? And would that be beautiful? Could this finally be the missing piece in his life? The part that makes everything work together? The light for the darkness that's inhabited his mind for far too long? 

"You're doing strange things to me, Snowflake. And I like it," he murmured back, lips burning from Loki's phantom touch. 

"Are you...courting me?" Loki asked, a ghost of a smile dancing across his lips. 

"Depends on what 'courting' means in your funky Asgardian terms? Translate to Tony please, darling." Tony smiled. 

"I believe you refer to it as 'dating'?" 

"Then yes, if you want to, I'd love to date you." 

"I think I'd like that too." 

"Cool," Tony grinned, reaching up to brush a bit of Loki's raven hair away from his face. His fingers caught slightly in a tangle and he chuckled, releasing Loki's other hand to gently comb through it. 

"I'll be gentle," Tony murmured, "I promise you've got nothing to worry about here, sweetheart. Washing your hair'll make ya feel better too." 

"Alright," Tony released Loki's tangled locks and reached again for his hand, which Loki happily provided. His eyes had slipped closed as Tony had begun to play with his hair again, shoulders sagging of tension Tony hadn't even noticed he'd been carrying, but he forced his eyes open with what seemed like difficulty, allowing Tony to lead him to the spacious bathroom at the quiet invitation of, "C'mere."

"Here," Tony said, guiding Loki to the edge of the tub towards the back of the bathroom even though the god was more than capable of leading himself. "Sit here for a sec, I'm gonna go get something to rinse your hair with." Tony returned a minute later holding a plastic cup and a box of plastic wrap which he placed on the large countertop. The walls of the bathroom were painted a soft sunflower yellow, with dark caramel-colored cabinets. The floor was a marbled tile, with a hint of rose against the tans and browns that interlocked it, illuminated by warm yellow streaming from flower-shaped lights placed around the bathroom and mirrors. Tony reached for a knob on the bathroom, ignoring the walk-in shower to their left, but Loki stopped him with a hesitant hand on his arm.

"Wait, I..uh...I don't do well with heat," he mumbled, averting his eyes to the ground. 

"That's alright, JARVIS can read your body temperature and set the water to one that will pair with you, and if it's too warm or too cold just say the word and he'll change it." Tony shrugged, switching the faucet to the "on" position. 

"Certainly," came JARVIS's voice, and despite himself, Loki jumped a little bit, bracing himself on the rim of the tub and hissing at the sudden impact to his wrists. 

"Shouldn't your fancy healing be kicking in by now?" Tony wondered out-loud, frowning at the pained grimace across Loki's face. The god hummed, closing his eyes briefly before snapping them open, running his tongue across his lips. 

"Usually," he answered vaguely, dipping his fingers in the water. 

"That actually is the perfect temperature, thank you, Ceiling Ghost." 

"You are most welcome, sir," JARVIS replied, a hint of bemusement in his tone. 

"Well, why aren't they healing then?" Tony asked, taking one of Loki's arms in his own and beginning to layer the bandages in plastic wrap. 

"What are you doing?" Loki asked instead, squinting at the plastic wrap but not pulling away from Tony's gentle hold on his arm. 

"It'll keep any water that splashes on ya out of the bandages. Tell me if it's too tight?" Tony moved to his other arm. 

"It's not," Loki assured, replacing his arms in his lap when Tony finished, who placed the box of plastic wrap on the countertop and grabbed the plastic cup. 

"D'ya wanna get in?" Tony asked, gesturing to the now full tub, adorned with bubbles. Loki popped one with his finger, smiled slightly, and climbed into the tub somewhat wobbly, clothes and all. 

"Uh," Tony began, but Loki waved a finger and in a flash of green light his clothing disappeared, save for his boxers. They reappeared on the countertop, folded neatly and not a drop of water in sight. 

"Woah," Tony blinked at the folded pile before his gaze snapped back to Loki who sagged forward slightly. 

"Woah, alright, easy," Tony murmured, placing a hand on Loki's bare shoulders. 

"There is still...much damage," Loki murmured, and Tony's gaze trailed down to the scars littering his back and shoulders, sliding down his spine and disappearing into the bubbles down below his thin waist. "My magic is only just beginning to return to me. It...is a part of me, my soul, and to have it ripped away is...hallowing. Simple spells are still quite strenuous to me, and I do not wish to exhaust them for healing; something that can occur naturally." he answered Tony's earlier question, shrugging pale shoulders slightly. 

"Makes sense," Tony slipped a wooden bathtub caddy in front of Loki's chest, guiding his arms to lean up against it. He perched himself on the edge of the tub, scooping the plastic cup into the cool water and tilting Loki's head back, beginning to gently unravel the braid he'd put in earlier.

"Just relax," Tony murmured, pouring water down Loki's tense shoulders to keep him warm before beginning to rinse his long hair. He reached for the bottle of shampoo, lavender and rosemary-scented, and he poured a generous amount of the gold-tinged liquid into his palm, beginning to spread it through Loki's hair. 

"You know, for someone who coops himself up in a laboratory working on the projects of a blacksmith, your touch is surprisingly gentle." Loki snorted softly, tilting his head back further to give Tony better access. 

"Mmm, you like that?" Tony smirked, dragging his nails against Loki's scalp as the god opened his mouth to respond. 

"I, oh..." His whisper trailed off to barely more than a moan, and Tony chuckled. 

"And here I was thinking you didn't like contact, but no, you're just touch-starved, aren't you?" Tony scrubbed his fingers against Loki's scalp in small circular motions. Loki didn't respond, his eyes had fluttered shut in bliss, his spine melting against Tony's arms to the point where Tony wasn't confident that Loki wouldn't crash backward into the water if he released his head. 

"Just relax, darling," Tony repeated again, continuing to massage his scalp even long-after he'd thoroughly cleaned Loki's hair. It would have been a scary thought for the Tony Stark of several months ago to see this moment and realize how quickly he'd changed in so short a time. But sitting here, bent over the tub at an awkward angle that didn't quite agree with his spine, Tony found that it wasn't so scary as it was more beautiful. The world was quiet, calming, and peaceful; words he'd never thought he'd use to describe his life with ever before. He was perfectly content to sit there and run his nails across Loki's scalp until the end of time; even if his legs fell asleep and his spine snapped in half, so long that it meant the tension melted from Loki's shoulders, the frown was vacant from his angelic face, and his breaths were slow, relaxed and even. 

_I'm happy. I feel genuinely happy._ Tony realized. 

"I feel safe." Had the room not been devoid of sound save for the gentle motion of the bathwater Tony would have missed Loki's quiet confession; the tail-end of a whisper. 

"I don't remember the last time I've felt safe before." Tony felt Loki press himself a bit further towards his hands. 

"I don't remember the last time I've felt truly happy. But I do now." Tony whispered back, taking the cup and beginning to slowly rinse the shampoo from Loki's hair, who hummed. He reached for the bottle of conditioner, pouring a large amount into his palm and beginning to work it through Loki's hair, running his fingers through the raven locks, twisting them around his fingers, and tugging on them gently. 

"You falling asleep there, Snowflake?" Tony chucked. 

"Hmm, perhaps," Loki leaned back even further as Tony began to rinse out the conditioner. 

"Don't worry, almost done. Then you can sleep, kay?" Tony pulled out the stopper for the drain, beginning to gently squeeze out the water from Loki's hair. He reached for a large, creamy beige-colored towel and Loki allowed him to drape it across his shoulders. 

"Shit, you really are sleepy. Let's get you up, eh?" Tony murmured, and to his surprise Loki allowed him to help him out of the tub, running the towel again through his hair. 

"Ah, let's see. All my clothes are ridiculously large on you, but..." Tony drummed his fingers on his chin, frowning at his walk-in closet. 

"It's alright, Anthony, I can do it." Loki shrugged, and before Tony could protest there was a flash of green light, and Loki was dressed in a loose-fitted, dark green t-shirt and ankle-length, black sleep trousers. He stumbled forward, this time not having anything to brace himself on, and Tony dove to catch him. 

"Aright, Princess, like woah...hot as fuck, but don't drain yourself; you're exhausted. Why dont'cha head to bed, eh? C'mon." Tony frowned when Loki continued to lean on him as he led the god to his room. 

"Sleepy, sleepy, there we go," Tony murmured as he lowered Loki onto the bed, who simply curled onto his side. Tony chucked, "Sweet dreams, Snowflake." 

"Wait," came Loki's soft voice, and Tony turned around to see half-lidded green eyes staring back at him. But before he could ask what was wrong Loki looked away and muttered a soft, "Nevermind."

"You sure?"

"Goodnight, Stark." 

oOo

Tony didn't go straight to sleep, and if he's being honest, he had no plans whatsoever on correcting that. The apartment seemed too quiet, too still, and too stiff. His mind was racing too fast for the blankness of the space, his knee bouncing unevenly as he sipped a glass of scotch with just barely trembling hands. 

It wasn't very late, at least, not by Tony's insomniac standards. He considered brewing another cup of coffee and then dumping a shitload of scotch inside the beloved drink, but as he turned to the kitchen he was faced with a considerable pile of dishes that he'd completely forgotten existed.

_Well, dishes ain't gonna do themselves._

_Ah fuck, I really am turning into a middle-aged soccer mom._

Tony sighed, drowning the rest of his scotch and setting the now empty glass beside the sink. He opened up the dishwasher and began to put away dark brown plates, bowls, and cups, and stacking silverware and other utensils into their respective drawers. As he worked, he began to swing his hips to a silent beat, swaying and spinning around the kitchen and coming precariously close to smashing a few dishes. 

_I suppose that means Loki is my boyfriend now._ Tony hummed at the realization, pausing his Dish Dance to go grab a pair of headphones and his Starkphone from his room, plugging in the headphones and hitting shuffle on his "Doing Shit" playlist. Poison by Alice Cooper was the first song to grace his ears and by the sound of the opening guitar riff, Tony continued his newfound Dish Dance and began to reload the dishwasher with the night's dirty dishes. 

Tony had never actually had a proper boyfriend before. Sure, he'd had multiple male lovers, but most were hardly talked about compared to the women he'd slept with, and others. Fact is, save for Pepper he'd never had a proper relationship in his entire life, and he quickly decides that is what scares him about dating Loki. He knows his habit of self-destructing relationships has only ended in more heartbreak than he'd started out with, and he decides even quicker that he cannot fuck this relationship up. Pepper was and always would be amazing. She was kind, but never put up with Tony's shit. She was beautiful too, and Tony does love her, despite everything that's happened between them, and despite the fact that they hardly speak save for business topics here and there. But his love for Pepper is nothing compared to the icy electric fire that had spread through every nerve throughout his body at the simple, ghostly touch of Loki's lips to his own. It's nothing compared to how Tony could lose himself in the greens of Loki's haunting eyes. In a short span of a month, Loki had unknowingly wormed his way into Tony's cold heart and melted it, claimed it, marked it as his own; and it will never be owned by anyone else.

His hands, still underneath the sink water that has long-since grown cold, aren't shaking anymore. Whatever exists between Loki and him, it doesn't seem so scary. It doesn't loom over his head, it doesn't pour down his throat and choke the life from his body. It feels natural. When he slips his hands into Loki's own it feels like their hands were made to hold each other's own. And if this is how life feels to them now, Tony can only imagine how it'll feel in a month from now. In five months. A year. Ten years. Twen-

Tony reaches to pull out one of his headphones, pausing his music and pulling out the other ear to listen closely to white-noise silence of running water and...nothing. He frowns, shutting off the faucet and suddenly his ears pick up faint noises from Loki's room. But he could have sworn he'd heard-

Screaming. It's unexpected and Tony jumps about a foot in the air, letting out a harsh swear as he accidentally slams his hand against the counter. 

"Loki!" he calls, abandoning his phone and taking off for the god's room. It couldn't have been more than an hour since he'd left the raven-haired man sleeping peacefully, curled up on his side. But as he bursts through the door Loki is screaming, thrashing around under the blankets, his face ashen and sweat rolling down his forehead and neck. He's throwing wild, blind punches and kicks, his breath catching in his throat and never quite coming back in full force. 

"STOP! Please! Please I'll do anything just stop!" 

"Loki! Hey, Lokes, LoLo, Snowflake, wake up darling, you're okay!" Tony very gently catches Loki's fists in his hands, stepping out of the way of his thrashing legs and holding them in one hand while gently cupping Loki's wet cheek with his other. 

"Please!" Loki's voice breaks in the middle and doesn't recover, but he's slowing down just slightly and Tony immediately praises him. 

"Good, good job sweetheart, you're doing so good, baby. Everything alright now, I promise, just come back t'me okay? You're doing so good." Loki screams again and suddenly Tony gets a flash of wild green eyes before he's being launched from the bed and into the air, crashing into the floor with a loud "oomph" and groaning when his chest immediately starts to ache. 

"Loki, Loki it's just m-" Loki's suddenly got a vice grip on his arms, hosting Tony up to his knees and searching the room with frantic eyes, pupils blown wide and his breaths catching in his throat, making horrible little wheezing sounds as he fought for air. 

"He's coming, Anthony, he's coming," Loki repeated, tugging at Tony's arms. 

"Who's coming?"

"THANOS! H-HE'S COMING WE HAVE TO GO!" Loki's voice was loud and strangled, his tugging at Tony's arms growing more and more frantic. 

"Hey, shh, Lokes, look at me," Tony cupped the god's cheeks again, gently turning his head so his wild eyes were fixed on his own. "No one is coming to hurt you, I promise," Tony murmured, running his thumb up and down Loki's cheek in a soothing motion. 

"He's...he's" Loki broke eye-contact, looking around the room desperately for some unseen terror. 

"I promise, Snowflake, it was just a dream. He's not here and he's not ever going to touch you again." Loki crumpled at that.

"C'mon, breathe for me, baby," Tony murmured, frowning when Loki let out a choked sound. 

"I-I can't," he gasped, clutching at Tony's shirt with a panic-stricken expression. 

"S'alright, yes you can, sugar. Just relax, I'm right here. Hey, can ya tell me five things you can see?" Tony gently pulled Loki against his chest, and the god melted into him, clutching his shirt even tighter as he gasped for breath. 

"Y-you?" Loki choked out, and Tony hummed, running a hand through his still-damp hair. 

"Good, gimme four more, baby."

"Uh...m-my hands, and the bed...the...the bed and...and the d-door."

"Good, one more." 

"T-the closet," Loki whispered after a moment, beginning to breathe more normally again. 

"Four things you can touch?" 

"Y-your hands...the...the floor, my s-shirt...the...my arms?"

"Good, good job, sweetheart. Gimme three things you can hear."

"Y-your heart, the...the ceiling air...your breathing." Loki took a deep breath. 

"Two things you can smell?"

"Rosemary...and lavender." Loki's death-grip on Tony's shirt loosened slightly. 

"Good, and one thing you can taste?" Loki scrunched his nose up slightly, his tongue running across his lips. 

"Salt," he whispered. 

"Good job, Snowflake. You're safe. Just breathe a bit, okay?" 

"Okay," Loki mumbled, sinking further into Tony's arms. After a few long moments of silence, Tony asked very softly, 

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

"No...yes. I-I don't know." Loki mumbled, sighing. 

"That's okay, you don't have to. How about we move back to the bed though? You should try and at least rest. You don't have to go back to sleep, but at least try and relax a little." 

Loki's voice was very, very small when he whispered, "Will you stay?"

"Of course I'll stay, buttercup. Of course." 

"Okay then," Loki whispered back and allowed Tony to help him to his feet and guide him back to the bed. Tony climbed in right next to the still trembling god who burrowed into his side, letting Tony wrap the blankets around his thin-frame. Loki cast wary eyes around the room, and Tony brushed back his hair with his fingers. 

"You're safe, I promise," Tony murmured. "And you don't have to tell me anything if you're not comfortable with it, but I won't lie; it does help when you do." Loki didn't answer, keeping his face pressed into Tony's chest, who wrapped an arm around the god and let his fingers card through his hair while his other hand remained trapped by Loki's slender fingers. He twisted the raven locks through his fingers, marveling at how soft and smooth they were after being washed. Somewhere in the distance, the dishwasher alarm rang softly, and the tension in Loki's shoulders gradually released. 

"It wasn't Thanos who did it." Loki's soft voice almost startled Tony out of his half-awake drowse, body angled protectively around Loki's own. "He would hurt me too. But it was mostly the Chitauri." Tony didn't say anything, instead continuing to gently massage Loki's scalp in hopes to soothe him. 

"They said I was pretty, and it wasn't like I could struggle." he finally whispered, shuddering as the words left his lips. "The first time they did it...I'd never experienced such things before. Not even the pure kind." Tony felt cold and sick, as though someone had dumped a bucket of ice water on top of his head as they pulled the arc reactor from his chest. 

"They took your virginity?" he asked.

"Yes." Loki rolled over to face Tony. "I-I don't think I'll be able to be a good partner for you, Anthony." Tony frowned, tracing Loki's cheekbones with his finger. 

"Why would you say that?"

"I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to provide for you...in that way," he admitted softly, staring at something behind Tony's chest. 

"You don't have to, darling," the words tumbled from Tony's mouth before he could truly ponder their meaning, but he meant every single one. "I'm not dating you solely for sex. Sex is great, sure, and if you ever decided that's what you want I'd treat you like an angel. But I understand, and that's okay with me." 

"I do want to do it," Loki whispered, cheeks heating. "You're beautiful. I am attracted to you. It's not like that. I'm just...I am terrified." Tony shook his head.

"Don't worry about that, Lokes. When you're ready, I'll make sure it's the most magical experience of your life. And if you're never ready, that's okay. We can have magical pillow fort experiences instead." Tony smiled, and Loki's lips quirked up slightly as well. 

"All you gotta worry about now is getting better. That's all." Tony murmured, smiling as Loki's eyes fluttered shut as he gently ran his hand through his hair again. His own eyes were heavy with sleep but he blinked hard and waited as Loki's breaths once again evened out. 

"Just sleep, angel. Just sleep." 


	21. Chapter Twenty-One

The sunlight, very soft and quite filtered by the just barely opened curtains of Loki's room, is what ultimately rises Tony from a dreamless sleep. The process of awakening by natural human causes is so foreign to him that it takes Tony several long seconds of drowsy confusion to realize where he was. He can't remember the last time he had awoken in peace and not some form of panic, whether it be the ghostly horrors of his nightmares or his seemingly undefeatable case of insomnia disturbing his slumber. With that knowledge, Tony lets out a little sigh and relaxes into the pillows, a tension he hadn't realized he'd been holding draining from his body. 

In all honesty, there was a large part of him that had not expected Loki to stay, or perhaps, was simply bracing himself for the possibility of an empty bed and cold sheets. Tony would like to think that he wouldn't have cared much at all, or rather, wouldn't have been hurt if Loki had left sometime during the night. But deep down he knows that isn't true; he would have cared. It feels like it's taken so long for Loki to finally start to really open up, but he is now. He's beginning to heal. Tony can't help but feel like they're closer somehow now. If not for Loki opening up a bit and confessing painful parts of his past, then from their ghostly kiss. 

Or really most of all, from how Loki had let Tony cradle his shaking body to his chest in a time of pure vulnerability. They're closer, Tony can feel it. 

But, Tony also knows that Loki might not realize that at first. Or ever. He knows what it feels like, the raw, naked feeling of exposure. Of someone else knowing your deepest darkest secrets. The fear and risk of laying yourself out as who you are, letting someone in, all with the possibility that they might turn their back on you at any given second; and leave you even more broken than before. So if Loki had run, Tony might have been hurt, but he would have understood.

But he didn't run. Loki's skinny frame is still pressed up against Tony's own, his raven black hair falling like an angelic halo around his face which was tucked into the crook of Tony's arm. He really did look like an angel, but especially when he was sleeping. His eyes were shut softly, his expression devoid of the harsh creases of anxiety or the persistent sadness it seemed to always carry. He just looked peaceful. 

"Shh," Tony murmurs, brushing his fingers through Loki's hair very gently when the god stirs slightly. He can't get enough of Loki's long hair, how soft it felt in his fingers, how it framed his face just perfectly, how it defined the sharpness of his cheekbones when it was braided up. Loki shifts, turning his head to the side and blinking owlishly up at Tony's face. 

"Morning, Snowflake," Tony murmurs, giving the sleepy god a soft smile. 

"Morning?" Loki asked, confusion painting his slightly hoarse voice. 

"Yeah, slept through the night. Weird to you too, eh?" Loki nodded. 

"Very. I-I can't remember the last time I have slept in peace." 

"Me neither," Tony murmured, continuing to brush Loki's hair with his fingers. Loki closed his eyes, pressing his face into Tony's arm a bit further. 

"Can we just stay here? For a little bit?" He whispered, an almost pleading tone to his words. "I-I feel...safe." 

"Yeah, yeah of course we can, sugar," Tony whispered back. 

When he opens his eyes again, the sunlight is a bit brighter, and Loki looks slightly more alert than before. There are still shaded shadows under his eyes, which are less droopy but still exhausted-looking. He stares back at Tony. 

"Morning," this time it's Loki who speaks, a slight quirk to his lips. Tony grins in full-force. 

"Dork. I'm hungry, are you hungry? I'm thinking pancakes? But whatever you want, princess, don't want ya to get sick of pancakes. That would be a crime." Loki rises, albeit slightly reluctantly, from his curled-up position against Tony's side, rubbing his eyes and attempting to push stubborn hair back from his eyes. Tony chuckles and takes the dark locks in his hands, pulling them back into a messy bun tied low on his head. 

"Thanks," Loki murmurs, tugging at the bandages on his wrists that were beginning to peel off. The white fabric gave away easily, revealing not the neat lines of stitches but simply shiny, bright red scars on each wrist. Tony took his hands in his own, inspecting them carefully, before laying a feather-light kiss on each wrist. 

"Looks like your magic kicked in," he whispers against Loki's right wrist, marveling in the way the god shivered. 

"Yeah," Loki breathed, voice slightly higher-pitched. Tony gathered the old bandages in his hands and swung his legs off the bed. Loki followed suit to the kitchen, settling himself in his spot in the nook while Tony disposed of the bandages. 

"I don't think you'll need fresh ones," Tony said, taking two mugs out from the cabinet, "they look pretty good and you should let wounds air out a bit too." Loki hummed, drumming his fingers against the table as he watched Tony start the coffee pot and take the kettle from off the stove, filling it with water before replacing it on a burner, swaying his hips as he did.

"Are you dancing?" a chuckle from Loki and Tony smirked, doing a dramatic twirl, coming to lean up against the table and winking at the amused god. 

"See something you like?" he asked innocently, batting his eyelashes. Instead of the usual blush, though, Loki simply raked his gaze up and down Tony's body slowly, running his tongue across his lips very slightly. It was Tony who blushed when Loki's gaze returned to his own, eyes dark. 

"I see many somethings, Anthony, and your kettle is shrieking." It was, and Tony took the opportunity to hide his burning face by busing himself with Loki's hot chocolate, though it seemed Loki was all too aware. 

"What are those?" Loki asked, pointing to the small white bits of fluff bobbing around his steaming drink when Tony set his mug in front of him, settling himself at his own side with a steaming mug of coffee. 

"They're called marshmallows. No one really knows _what_ they are, but they're delicious so who cares? Most people roast them at campfires. We should do that sometime. Only without the camping. I hate camping." Loki squinted at the marshmallows, but trusted Tony enough that he made no comment until he tried one, in which his face lit up and he said, "Oh Norns, those are delicious!" 

"Yeah," Tony said dreamily, returning to the kitchen island to grab the bag of miniature marshmallows, setting it down between them, and shoveling a handful into his mouth. Loki reached for a marshmallow, rolling it between his fingers, shrugging, and popping it into his mouth. 

"Sir," JARVIS's voice cut into their marshmallow-high, starling Loki slightly, "an incoming video call from SHIELD Headquarters. Urgent."

It was a split-second, a glitch in the matrix, a moment of paranoia where Tony's stomach dropped in fear before he blinked and everything was fine. He can see Loki staring at him with an air of shock and wonders if whatever the fuck that feeling was had been evident on his face.

"Tell 'em I'm busy," Tony shrugged, waving a hand dismissively in a random direction and taking a gulp of his coffee for something to do. His leg bounced underneath the table. 

"My apologizes, Sir, but the caller is insistent and requests that I inform you of the urgency of their call." 

"What the fuck could possibly be that important? Who's calling?" 

"Unknown, Sir. The caller is presented as anonymous through various encryption and firewalls. They say if you do not answer their call they will be forced to send a team to Stark Tower immediately. Would you like me to engage in breaking these encryptions?" JARVIS asked. 

"No, no need. Tell them to give me a minute, will ya?" 

"Certainly, Sir." Tony looked up to Loki, who had gone slightly rigid. The god stared back. 

"I-apologizes if this sounds somewhat childish, but I feel uneasy of this." Loki frowned, setting down his mug. "Your brothers in arms at SHIELD do not seem to like me much, especially the man with one eye, Son of Fury. I sensed...something when your ghost alerted you of this contact." Tony exhaled sharply through his nose and chugged the last of his coffee. 

"Yeah, I feel it too, bud. Do me a favor and stay in the living room? It's probably just Fury being an overdramatic ass, but I don't want him to see you just in case." Loki nods, rising to his feet with much more grace than previously, perching on the couch as Tony gave the signal for JARVIS to let the call through. As he'd expected, the scowling face of Nick Fury came to life in front of him. 

"Stark," he growled as the inventor leaned up against the breakfast nook casually, hiding Loki's mug from view with his body. 

"Fury! Always a fucking _pleasure_ , what's so important that you had to threaten JARVIS to get my attention? Need a good eye surgeon referral? 'Cos I'm afraid I can't help ya there." Tony quipped, resisting the urge to look in Loki's direction lest he reveal that he wasn't alone. 

"This ain't a courtesy call, Stark. We need to talk about a war criminal you're holding up there. Don't think I don't know about that." Tony spluttered. 

"Don't think you...what the fuck, Fury? _War criminal_? You were there for the briefing. You're well aware that Loki is _innocent_ and with me." Fury didn't even blink. 

"I aware of no such thing." Tony openly gaped.

"Oh, come on, Nick don't play that game."

"I don't play games, Stark. That piece of shit thinks it can get away with trying to take over my planet without repercussions? No, it's SHEILD property now."

"You know _he's_ innocent!" Tony barked, waving his hands wildly, "You saw exactly what I saw, what the rest of the fucking team saw. What the fuck are you trying to do here?" 

"My agents are keeping intel. They reported that you and the prisoner have grown...close. This is already dangerous enough and I don't want a maniac with fairy powers out on the loose. You turn it in when my agents come to pick it up in one hour, or we will take it from you by force. Your choice, Stark." 

"If you think for one second that I'll-"

"Don't think about fucking with me here, Stark, or there will be serious repercussions. Give us the prisoner, and we'll pretend nothing ever happened, alright?" Fury's voice was sickly sweet, a wild glint in his eyes. Tony wanted to scream. 

"Understood, Sir." 

"That's what I thought." The video message cut out, the holo-screen rising back up into the ceiling. Instead of Fury's less-than-pleasant face, Tony was met with Loki's wide green eyes staring back at him. When they made eye-contact, Loki began to shake his head slowly back and forth, backing up slowly. 

"P-please don't, I'm sorry," Loki whispered, voice trembling along with his hands. Tony shook his head. 

"Like _hell,_ I would. They're not touching you." He reaches for Loki's hand and grasps it, cold and sweaty. "We don't have much time. We have to go _now._ " Tony's voice, firm but soothing, pulls Loki from the tendrils of whatever panic-induced haze he was falling into. The god blinks before allowing Tony to tug him in the right direction. Tony pulls him towards the elevator, slipping a pair of blue-tinted glasses from his pocket onto his face and pausing several meters away to press his fingertips into the wall at an odd angle. The wall unfolds, revealing a silver safe-like cabinet hidden behind it.

"JARVIS," Tony prompts, and the safe door opens, revealing a thick Starkpad which Tony quickly retrieves. The wall smooths over the safe as though it had never existed, and Loki watches in barely restrained awe. 

"I'd assumed only magic could do such things," he said, and Tony forced a grim smile. 

"I'm magical too, baby. Come on," he replied, leading Loki to the elevator. The doors open without prompting and Loki moves to the buttons. 

"Don't need em," Tony stops him, "JARVIS, initiate code _Iron Fist_." 

"Certainly, Sir." Nothing seemed to happen, but Tony set his jaw. He swiped his fingers across the Starkpad and the back walls of the elevator seemed to collapse in on themselves, revealing a slightly smaller, silver elevator without the typical buttons and polished floors. Once he and Loki had both stepped inside, the wall closed back up, seemingly swallowing them whole. 

"My lab," Tony instructed, a slight tremor to his voice. He reached for Loki's hand, who provided it happily but raised an eyebrow when Tony squeezed it, hard. 

"Claustrophic. A little." Tony responded airily to Loki's puzzled expression. The god's face smoothed in understanding, and he squeezed Tony's hand back, coming to stand in front of the inventor. 

"Distract yourself, darling," he murmured, green eyes soft and captivating. "Talk to me, what is your plan?" his voice was delicate and gentle, and Tony was awarded a small smile when his eyes focused on Loki's own. 

"I've never trusted SHEILD. They're not as pure and do-good as they claim to be. I've hacked their systems numerous times, and I know their secrets. Think...think of me like Batman..er, though you probably don't know who Batman is. He's this crime-fighting dude but is really careful with who he trusts and has a backup plan just in case they betray him. Like, he has kryptonite for Superman because it's the only thing that will hurt Superman. But you probably don't know who Superman is either. So, I've got backup plans, just in case I need to go against SHEILD."

"Your brothers in arms will come for you," Loki mumbled. He looked to the floor and then back to Tony, running his tongue across his lips. "You have shown me great kindness, Tony, and I shall never forget it. But you don't need to do this." 

"What, you're just willing to have them take you away? They'll torture you again, you know that, right?" Tony exclaimed, searching Loki's face for any kind of explanation. 

"No. I'd rather you kill me instead." 

" _Loki_ ," Tony growled, "No one is going to kill you, no one is going to hurt you, and no one is going to take you away from me. I swear to you that. I don't care if fucking Thanos himself comes looking, cos I researched that piece of shit, you know?" Loki flinched at the mention of Thanos, his eyes darting around as though the monster was in the very room with them. "I will kill him. I swear. No one is going to hurt you again." 

"He is not easy to kill. I tried." Loki whispered. 

"I know, I know. I don't mean it like that. I have a shit ton of resources, and you were weak when he found you. I mean that you're not alone, honey. Not anymore. I promise." 

"Besides," Tony added as the secret elevator came to a halt, the doors opening to a small hallway, "I've always wanted to show SHIELD who's the fucking boss here." At those words, Loki smirked, following Tony out of the elevator and to the end of the hallway, where Tony pressed the side of his glasses and then his fingers to the wall. 

"The glasses show me where all the scanners I embedded in here are," Tony explained as a hidden door opened, revealing the back room of Tony's lab. They stepped inside, heading for the center of the lab. 

"Fascinating," Loki remarked and meant it. 

"Hey Tony, hey Loki," came Bruce's sudden voice, starting the both of them. Tony cursed in his head. He'd forgotten Bruce was there, but luckily the scientist seemed absorbed enough in whatever he was doing that he didn't notice their odd entry point; already hidden away from view. 

While Bruce might not have noticed their entrance, he certainly noticed their silence. He looked up from his experiment and frowned at their tense positions. 

"What's wrong?" 

"Sir, I must remind you that you have forty-five minutes left of time." JARVIS interrupted vaguely. 

"Forty-five minutes? Until what? What's going on guys?" Bruce frowned, pulling off the gloves he was wearing and coming to join them in the center of the lab. 

"I can't tell you yet, and you're not going to stand in my way," Tony said simply. "JARVIS, initiate _Order 66_." 

" _Order 66_ initiating."

"What? You can't tell me what? I'm your best friend, Tony! What the hell is going on?" Tony sighed.

"SHEILD is coming to take Loki away. Fury denied ever knowing that Loki is innocent or allowing us to take him in. Fury said Loki was his 'property' and 'needed to be contained' since supposedly he's a threat, and by 'take away', they mean torture." Bruce's eyes flashed green. 

"But why now? Loki's been here for a month now." Tony sighed again, rubbing the bridge of his nose as the pieces of his suit begin to attach themselves to him. 

"I don't know. He's pretending that he doesn't have any insight into our decisions. Maybe he changed his mind? Was trying to get our guard down? Fuck, I don't know. Looking back, it's stupid how quickly I fell for their act. They let Loki go too easily, and you know Fury. He always needs to pin the blame to someone." Loki's gaze dropped to the floor. 

"I'm sorry for being a trouble," he whispered. Tony shook his head as the center of the lab began to fold under, revealing a sleek black stealth jet. 

"You're not a trouble, SHEILD is a trouble, and they're in deep shit for messing with me. JARVIS, initiate _Mothership_." 

"Certainly, Sir. _Order 66_ is at phase 4, halting all progress until you and Mr. Laufreyson have vacated the premises." 

"Tony," Bruce said quietly, "I know they're wrong, but you can't fight against SHIELD. You'll lose." The back wall of the lab began to open, the metal sliding up into the ceiling and revealing open-air, high enough for the jet to escape. Tony lets out a little maniac giggle, taking Loki's hand who smiles softly. 

"Oh watch me, baby. They're gonna regret everything they've ever done." 


	22. Chapter Twenty-Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, lovelies! I know there are warnings in the description and we have briefly touched upon Loki's time with Thanos earlier in the story, but I thought it best to warn you that it does get kind of graphic in this chapter and future chapters as well, much more so than it has been previously. I don't want to trigger anyone, so I will mark the parts where it gets graphic with a bold "-" in this chapter and for any scenes/flashbacks/smut that follows in future chapters so that one can skip those parts if one wishes, and is adequately warned. 
> 
> Thanks for humoring me with my little drabble there, and happy reading!

Once onboard upon the vessel with which Tony had called _Mothership_ , Loki felt the nerves he had shoved down as soon as the glaring face of the Son of Fury had appeared on the screen resurface. He was seated in one of the leather-clad chairs Tony had all but shoved him into before retreating quickly to the cockpit of the vessel, and directing it to wherever they were going with the help of the Ceiling Ghost that Tony had explained could follow them everywhere. It dawned on Loki that he actually had no idea where they were going or what they were going to do when they got there. He clenched his fists, trying to will his hands to stop shaking so hard. 

They didn't. 

_Tony, I know they're wrong, but you can't fight against SHIELD. You'll lose._

Bruce's words rang loud and painful in his ears and he rose swiftly, beginning to pace the belly of the plane and wringing his hands as he moved. _I can't go back. I can't go back. I can't go back. Please, Tony, don't make me go back, please, please, please, I'll be better, I promise, please, Thor-_

The warm hands on his face startle him and Loki yelps, jerking away from them and raising an arm to defend himself. 

"It's just me," Tony's voice is soft and his eyes are sad, he reaches for Loki's hand and he all too willingly provides it, a childish indulgence that brings more comfort than embarrassment and he can't bring himself to give it up. 

"Breathe, Loki." Tony murmurs, and the use of his real name snaps his focus back to Tony's chocolatey-brown eyes, shining with concern. He's faintly aware that he's breathing rather harshly, and then that Tony looks like he's going to ask him questions, ask for information that Loki wants nothing more than just to forget, forget the pain and forget the terror, forget it all, _please, I just want to forget everything._

"Shouldn't you be flying your ship?" Loki pants and Tony's gaze flashes with something too quickly for Loki to read. 

"JARVIS can do that. He's installed in _Mothership_ too." 

"Your Ceiling Ghost is everywhere." Loki forces himself to let go of Tony's hand, stumbling away towards the windows. They're above the clouds now, high above New York City. He presses trembling fingers to the glass, thick and frigid to the touch. _It's a long way down._

" _Loki_." Tony's voice is suddenly much closer and he flinches again, tearing his gaze from the clouds and back to the inventor, who had crossed the ship and was now only a mere couple feet away from his shoulder. "I don't like that look." _What look?_

"I'm fine." he hears himself say, detached from his body, a foreign voice speaking while he flounders for some form of solid ground and it's too familiar of a feeling. He jerks away, only barely noticing Tony jump at the sudden movement. _I have to get out._

"I need you to relax, Snowflake," comes Tony's voice again, and the inventor is taking his hands in his own. "No jumping out of windows, okay?"

"It's too short a fall to kill me anyway." Loki finds himself murmuring, and Tony looks a little sick. 

"How do you know...oh." he trails off, and Loki figures that Thor must have told them of his fall on the Bifrost, or maybe he did, he can't exactly remember. The noise in his head is too loud. He can't stop thinking about Thor and his hands won't stop shaking. _I'm not safe, I'm not safe here, I'm not-_

"Yes, yes you are." They're seated now, Loki realizes, on the leather chairs, and Tony is still holding onto his hands. He must have spoken out loud. 

"Shit, I'm sorry I didn't tell you the plan, Snowflake. But you're safe, we're safe. I practically control them, SHEILD is messing with the wrong guy." _He's lying,_ comes the sickly whisper in his head, and Loki isn't sure whether to believe it or not. 

"They're coming, your brothers in arms are coming for me," _And The Titan too, he promised. How could I have let myself fall for the misguided illusion that I am safe? I will never be safe._

"I know, that's why we left. We're going to my mansion in Malibu. But not because we aren't safe. It's just a little more secure, I'm an overdramatic ass, and I didn't want to run any risk of a SHEILD SWAT team breaking and entering. Plus, Malibu isn't New York and we could both use a change of scenery. 

"And if they follow us?" Loki couldn't keep the tremor from his voice. "If you fail? They'll take me, Tony, I don't want to go back. Please, I can't, I want...I-Thor-" Tony blinks, and Loki clamps his lips shut, biting his tongue to prevent the entire sentence from leaving his lips. _I want Thor._ No, he didn't. He hated Thor. _I hate him. I hate him. R-right? Yes. I-I no longer love him. I hate him. Come back, please, Thor, come back, I'm sorry._

Tony can't save him from Thanos. No one can. 

"Thor will come back," Tony answers Loki's unspoken thought quietly. "I think I forgot to tell you. He carried you to my room that night that you..." Tony's voice falters and his gaze dropped down to Loki's wrists. "He wanted to stay, but he worried that he would mess shit up further with you two, so Steve advised that he take a step back. He went to Ass-gard and told us that he'd be back when some magic dude told him the 'time is right'" 

"Heimdall..." Loki murmured, and Tony nods enthusiastically. 

"Yeah, that dude."

"But Heimdall loathes my very existence." Loki frowned, and his unspoken question rang heavy in the air. _What if Thor never returns?_

"Does he like Thor?" Tony asked after a moment, an air of caution to his voice. Loki nodded. "Then...then he'll tell Thor when the time is right because I think despite everything, Thor does want to make shit right, so if he likes Thor and Thor wants a shot at this, then he'll tell him," Loki said nothing to that. His head hurt from all the stress and his body still trembled and he just wanted to sleep. _Fate is cruel._

Would Thor ever return? It is likely that he would. The blundering oaf always thought his presence would fix any wrong with Loki. But would he manage to? Could they ever fix what had happened between them? It's a question that's eaten away at Loki's soul for centuries now: could he forgive Thor? Does he want to? And now, could Thor forgive him? For how weak he was against the clutches of the Mad Titan? Surely Thor will hate him now if he ever even loved him in the first place. Thor would not have crumbled as he did. He would have stood strong, bared his teeth against the pain, and never surrendered. 

_And people would have looked for him._

That thought brings a hot sting to Loki's eyes that he tries desperately to blink away, lest he alert Tony, who has lapsed into silence, and inspire more questions from the man. No one ever came for him. He screamed for them, day and night, over and over, for Thor and for his mother. Begged them to save him. Begged them to come looming for him. But they never came, and they never did. Someone would have looked for Thor, Loki knows. Had it been Thor who had let go of Gungnir that day, the entirely of Asgard would have fallen to its knees and wept. The skies would have poured rain, the people crying, burning offerings to the Norns and to Thor himself, praying for his safe passage to Valhalla. 

Mother would have locked herself in her chambers, searching for Thor day and night with her magic until either it gave out entirely or she found him and would have wept tears of joy as she assembled a party of warriors to fetch him. Perhaps she would have even gone herself. And if Thor would have died, then she would have been consumed by grief. She would plant a memorial garden in his honor, and keep his room like a shrine. She would retrieve his cape, helmet, and hammer if at all possible and keep them with her until the day she died, her heart always broken for the loss of her golden child. Perhaps she would have even outstretched her powers, reached the Norns, and begged for one last chance to say goodbye to her precious Thor. 

Lady Sif and the Warriors Three would have never been the same. They would have searched for Thor day and night. They would have hunted every monster, every beast, and tortured them in their clutches for information of their prince's whereabouts. If they had found any, they would have retrieved him. Jumped into the void themselves to search. And although they were idiots, had they any inclination that Thor still lived, they would have not returned until he was there with him, Loki knows that for sure. Had they confirmed Thor's passing, they would have layn down their weapons and wept for him. They would pronounce every meal, every feast, every toast of mead in Thor's mighty honor. Every charge of battle would be let by a cry to Thor, every hunk of game brought back from hunting would be in his name. They would be lost without him, Loki thinks. They would take on the guilt of his death, even if it did not belong to them. They would train tirelessly, drink copiously, and never be the same again.

All of the people of Asgard would be in mourning for their lost golden prince. They would don their funeral garbs and never take them off save for washing. They would dedicate every act, every feat of righteousness, to Thor. Pendants with Mjolnir dangling from them in rich silver and gold would hang upon their necks in his memory. They would scowl and snarl at Loki when he passed, whispering curses and wishes that it would have been him, not Thor, to perish. The funeral fires would have burned for months, years, perhaps even forever. The guards outside Thor's bedroom hall would never leave their posts, even though there was nothing to protect any longer. 

Even Heimdall would allow himself to break his watchful gaze upon the realms to shed tears for the favored prince. 

Odin, Allfather, would crash to his knees and weep. He would become consumed by grief, inconsolable to no one. He would cast enchantments on the funeral fires to keep them forever burning. He would travel to all realms, perhaps even Valhalla itself, to attempt to bring back Thor. If he succeeded, then all would be well. If he failed? He would return, old and sick, fall into the Odinsleep, and never awaken.

Asgard would have been ruined if Thor had taken his place. 

But he didn't. It was Loki who fell. Loki, who let go. The forgotten one. The insignificant one. The trickster, the liar, the cheater. Never wanted, never loved, never good enough. And it hurts, it hurts so badly. _Why didn't Thor look for me?_ There's something heavy and raw tearing apart his heart, unraveling him from the inside. He tries to breathe quietly, tries to shove it away again. _I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine._

"We're here." Tony's chewing on his lip and it takes Loki longer than he'd have liked to understand what he'd said. 

"Oh." Is all he can manage to reply. Tony, gratefully, doesn't push it. 

"C'mon, I bet we're gonna have an angry pirate on our tails, and I've still gotta update the team about _Order 66_." Tony cracked his knuckles, a gleam in his dark eyes that Loki found he kind of liked. "You're gonna want some popcorn, LoLo, this is gonna be hilarious." Loki's hands twitched at his sides as he followed the inventor off the plane, still dressed in his red and gold metal suit, to the mansion. He itched to reach for Tony's hand, but the simple thought alone threatened to make his cheeks burn. _Stop being such a child._ _Your touch alone is repulsive._

The home itself was impressive, from what Loki could see on his brief walk from the plane's landing pad to one of the various entrances. The home, white and modernly designed for Midgard's standards, emerged from a massive cliffside overlooking the North Pacific Ocean. Once inside Loki didn't get much of a glimpse of the interior, save for the spacious living room with a huge curved couch, a piano, and a few Gibson and Les Paul guitars sitting in stands against the wall. Before he could truly observe though, Tony was whisking him to the elevator, which they road in the typical fashion this time, and descending down into the cliff to his lab.

This newer lab hardly followed any of the same format as the one in Stark Towers. It seemed much more technical and secure, with lines of steel doors and walls that opened by a voice command from Tony, aided by the helpful Ceiling Ghost. The main desks still appeared to be in the middle of the room, and but there were more of them, and they were not so pristinely organized as the ones in Stark Towers. There were dozens of cars to Loki's left of various sizes, shapes, and colors. Further past the line of cars there appeared to be a moderately-sized medical bay and a tiny kitchen next to it. To his right were various machines, parts of machines, etc., that Loki found he couldn't name or even properly describe. Past those was a large open area, labeled "testing" in Tony's crude script. There was a moderately sized robot, moving on wheels with a claw-like contraption protruding from its body labeled Dum-E in the same script on the side, which made a noise of happiness when it spotted the inventor and immediately wheeled itself to Tony, who patted the robot's head absentmindedly as he walked to the main desks. Past the testing sight was another kitchen-like space, and Loki wondered if the previous one was simply an extension of the medical bay, as this one was equipped with a larger refrigerator, a coffee pot, and the sink had a few dishes laying on the rack beside it to dry. Near this was a couch and a television, with an office-looking space beside it and another guitar tucked up against the wall. There was a bar behind the couch, stocked with all sorts of various amber-colored and clear liquids, most of which Loki recognized as weak Midgardian liquors. In front of Loki, past the desks, was a large, closed-off room where he could faintly make out the shapes of various other ships that seemed to lead out to a runway past large, tinted-glass windows.

"Even more impressive, eh?" came Tony's voice, light and teasing just as it had been the first time he'd commented on his apparent impress. Loki willed himself to school his face to a neutral mask, but at the slightly hurt look that flashed across Tony's eyes for a split second, he amended with a wide nod.

"Very, even more so indeed. I wonder why you do not take up permanent residence here?" Loki pretended to lean very casually up against the desks, hoping the line of computers and devices would hide the fact that his hands were still shaking.

"Eh, it's complicated. I sort of do, but a lot of shit happens in New York, and now the team being all assembled...it's complicated. But if you like it we can stay." Tony messed with a few of the computers, bringing up a live video feed of the familiar living room at Stark Towers. Loki felt something coil in the pit of his belly. _The window has been repaired._

"Hey," a hand on his arm, "don't think about that right now, kay? It's all in the past. I don't blame you for shit that wasn't in your control." _It was._ Loki wants to argue. _I should have been stronger. I shouldn't have let them do the things they did._ But instead, he just nods and forces himself to relax his fists that he doesn't remember clenching. _I'm so sorry._

"JARVIS," Tony's attention is already elsewhere and Loki might have been hurt but instead he's just relieved. "Call the team to the main room, tell 'em it's urgent. After this message plays finish executing _Order 66."_ Tony says the last three words in an odd accent that makes him giggle, and Loki raises an eyebrow.

"Oh, fuck. I've got to show you Star Wars. And..ah fuck that reference is from the "first three"," Tony held up air quotations, "so I'm going to have to watch that _horror_ again." Loki didn't understand what in all the realms he was talking about, so he settled for nodding slowly. Tony seemed satisfied with that.

"The team has been notified and are en route to the living room, Sir." came the disembodied voice of the Ceiling Ghost. This time, Loki didn't flinch.

"Cool, beam me in." Tony leaned back in his chair, swiping his fingers across the thick, rectangular device he'd retrieved from the wall from earlier. From the video feed on the computer, Tony's nonchalant form draped over his desk chair came into view, clearly an illusion, but well done given his lack of magical abilities. 

_Father! Look what Mother has taught me today!_ Loki squeezes his eyes shut for a second, attempting to block out the memory before Odin's scolding voice could rattle his skull. 

"Your illusion is impressive, Anthony." Loki praises softly because he never wants anyone to feel like that. Especially not Tony. The inventor in question looks up to him briefly, something warm in his eyes that makes Loki feel a little warmth in his heart, before turning his attention back to the screen as the members of his team begin to file through the doors.

"Tony," the doctor greeted softly, and Tony grinned, the angles of his face pulling weirdly.

"Stark, this meeting important enough that we all had to immediately be here, but you're too busy to join yourself?" The Son of Rodgers, Loki recognized.

"Tap, tap," Tony droned, tapping his finger obnoxiously on the microphone beside him, "anyone home? Oh, oh there we go. Hello to you too Capsicle, and for your information, I'm not in New York." That earned him a couple of confused faces.

"And before you start bitching about team playing and telling you before I do shit, blah, blah, blah, I had no choice. I was threatened."

"Threatened? By whom?" The Son of Rodgers was frowning now, while the Hawk barked out a tight-sounding laugh.

"Your little Norse god turn on ya?" He snarled, and Loki felt something cold rip through him at the words. _Get over yourself. You deserve every ounce of hatred they can give. You hurt them._

Tony ignored the jab.

"Threatened Fury style. He's pretending he's got no insight to anything involving Loki and demanded I give him up for torture because some little birds told him Loki and I are, and I quote, "growing close"." The Lady Widow stepped forward, face impassive. _Were we not?_

"Stark, this is ridiculous." She began, but Tony interrupted.

"Agent Romanoff, if you have any desire to keep your current position I _highly suggest_ you refrain from any further commentary." Tony's voice was scarily calm. The Hawk's face flushed and his mouth opened to argue, but Tony hardly spared him a glance.

"This isn't a call to boast or ask for your opinion. I have my shit under control. All this is for, is to inform you that I've initiated a protection mode for JARVIS while I deal with things called _Order 66_. He will not be installed in Stark Tower until I reenable him, so everything is going to work like a regular fancy hotel. There's enough food and resources there to last you guys years, but you're not going to have to worry about that shit, I'll reinstall JARVIS once I put SHIELD back in their place and am sure that Loki and I are safe. If you have any questions I don't care. Oh, and there's gonna be a SHEILD swat team there in about 7 seconds. Have fun with that. Stark out." 

The screen went black and Tony swiveled around in his chair, fixing Loki with a lopsided smirk and holding up three fingers, counting slowly down to one. Mere seconds after he folded his last finger the voice of the Ceiling Ghost sounded out once again. 

"Sir, Director Nick Fury on the line requesting a connection with you immediately, shall I let him through?" Tony winked at him before turning back to face the computer, crossing one leg over the other and leaning back further. 

"Sure, sure let 'em through." Tony's laid-back attitude was slowly melting Loki's nerves, but he still took an unconscious step back when the Son of Fury's face, simmering with rage, appeared on the screen before them. 

" _Stark_ ," the director growled, leaning closer to the camera, "I warned you there would be serious repercussions if you tried fucking with me." Tony waved his hand dismissively. 

"Yeah, yeah, repercussions, _whatever._ We'll get to those later. What I wanna know is what the fuck you think you're doing here, and I suggest you give me the full answer because you know full well that I'll find out anyway, and telling me now means we'll get to those juicy _repercussions_ faster." For the first time that Loki'd ever seen, the eye of the Son of Fury flashed with something, not quite fear, but unease. Tony drummed his fingers against the desk in the answering silence. 

"I'm aware that the prisoner is not exactly dangerous in the way we first regarded," the Son of Fury began, a bite to his words. "But after close research, we've decided at SHIELD that it's too great a threat to keep the prisoner running loose." 

"And why is that?" Tony's voice was colder than Loki had ever heard it, scarily quiet yet it reverberated across the room. The Son of Fury's eye flashed again, this time in annoyance. 

"The Chitarui creatures that the prisoner came with have proven to be formidable enemies in mass quantities. If the prisoner really was being controlled then the Chituari were most likely also being controlled, or under the order of, whoever or whatever is behind the entire attack. The prisoner was aiming for the Tesseract and never got it, which likely means whatever was behind all of this will return, perhaps with greater forces, to retrieve its pawn. With the prisoner on the lose this could prove a greater threat. Especially with you and the prisoner growing close." The Son of Fury tilted his head just a fragment of an inch higher, a movement Loki recognized as the director believing what he'd spoken was of high intelligence. Loki dug his fingernails into his arm. _He's right._

"Alright, I think that's stupid. No, I know that's stupid. Locking Loki up isn't going to mean others won't come for him." His fingernails dug in deeper. 

"But that's not my real problem, now is it?" Tony's voice went even colder, and he rose smoothly from his chair. For a second, the Son of Fury looked uncertain of himself, before his face evened out into anger once again, and Loki couldn't get the haunting call of _Thanos, Thanos is coming,_ out of his head. 

_You think you know pain? He will make you long for something so sweet as pain._

"I could care less about what problems you have with this, Stark. You disobeyed a direct order from SHEILD, and do you honestly think we can't follow you out to your little retreat? I've got agents on my way as we speak."

"Oh, do you? You might wanna tell them to stand down then, honey, if you know what's good for you." Tony's voice was sickly sweet. 

"Do you honestly think you can give me orders?" the Son of Fury barked, and Tony's flippant expression morphed into a grin. 

"I _am_ giving you an order. You fucked with the wrong guy, Nick. I think you've forgotten who's actually on top here because tell me, who supplies _all_ of your weapons?" The Son of Fury went quiet. 

"Who supports the materials necessary to train all of your agents?" Silence.

"Who develops and improves the technology for your weapons, ships, and bases?" The Son of Fury looked rather pale now. 

"Tell me, Nick. Where do you get all your funding from?" Tony barked out a laugh. "Because, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm _pretty fucking sure_ you're going to be feeling the absence of those funds." 

"Stark," the director's voice sounded rather dry. "You don't have to do this. We'll be defenseless against any other attacks." 

Loki doesn't hear the rest. The noise in his head drowns out their voices. _If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he can't find you._

**_-_ **

_"Little Pet, have you made your decision yet?"_

_"I'll never do it, you c-can't make me."_

_"Hm. We'll see about that. Guards." He's hauled to his feet, wrists locked into shackles hanging from the wall, he sags his weight against them, biting his tongue against the hiss of pain that threatens to escape from the familiar feeling of metal slowly slicing into his wrists. He used to attempt to stand when they restrained him this way, but he's long since given up attempting to stand on his own, so he just waits as warm blood slowly trickles down his arms. There's a harsh sound of metal to his left but he forces himself to keep his eyes closed and breathe deeply._

_"You are going to travel to Midgard, and with the aid of the Chituari, you will take their planet and find the Tesseract, and bring it to me. Do you understand?" Thano's croons from Loki's other side._

_"I-I will n-not," Loki whispers, shaking as he can sense a presence in front of him. Rough, slimy fingers grasp his face and force his left eye open, and Loki barely has time to register the small knife in The Other's hand before it's plunged into his eye and all he can do is scream, writhing against the restraints in agony._

_"Stop! Stop! Please!" He shrieks. Blood on his tongue from where he'd bitten it. There was a heavy plop of something wet hitting the ground. He can no longer see out of his left eye, staring in horror as his own mutilated eyeball slowly rolls across the cell floor._

_"You are going to travel to Midgard, and with the aid of the Chituari, you will take their planet and find the Tesseract, and bring it to me. Do you understand?"_

_"Thor, Thor please,"_

_"Thor will not come for you. You are alone here." The Other moved to Loki's right side._

_"Are you ready to comply?"_

_"Thor, Thor," Loki moaned, everything was too hot and too cold at the same time._

_"Proceed." he faintly registered the voice._

_"No, no, please," he turned his head as far away from The Other as he could, but the knife still came._

_"You are going to travel to Midgard, and with the aid of the Chituari, you will take their planet and find the Tesseract, and bring it to me. Do you understand?"_

_"STOP! PLEASE STOP!" he screamed, and then it was over. His face burned in agony, and suddenly the shackles holding up released and he went crashing to his knees on the floor._

_"I will return when your sight has healed itself. I grow impatient, Jotun. If you refuse me again, I will use...other methods of persuasion." Loki didn't answer._

_"Leave him," came Thanos's voice in response to the clink of a belt buckle being undone. "You may have your way with him before he is sent to Midgard. For now, leave." There was a scuffle, and then the slamming of the door, the click of the lock, and then Loki was alone again in his agony. Breathing harshly through his nose, he slowly dragged himself to the furthest corner like he did every time they left. It was the illusion of safety, a comfort he surely would never know again, but somehow better than remaining out in the open. His fingers landed on something moist and wet, and it crushed beneath his hand, coating it in a slimy substance. His own eyeball._

_Loki turned and dry-heaved, nothing in his stomach to come out the wrong end. He stayed frozen in muted horror for many minutes, terrified he'd crush the other one if he continued, but more terrified of remaining in the open. He crawled the rest of the way to his corner and pressed himself as far into it as he could go. The lie of safety._

_He wanted to go home._

_"Odin," it was the first time that name had slipped from his lips since he'd fallen into the Void. The word didn't feel as poisonous on his lips as it had a year ago. "Please, please I'm sorry, father..."_

**_-_ **

He's thrust from one reality to the next, a horrible wailing sound ringing in his ears, and Tony's face suddenly inches from his own. He shrieks, shoving Tony back hard enough that the man lands on his back with a loud "oomph" 

"Loki, it's alright. No one is coming for you." _Liar! They are! They promised!_ He staggers to his feet, only now realizing the awful wailing sound is coming from his own lips. His eyes, his lips, his stomach, _everything_ burns from phantom pains and he just wants everything to _stop._

"Loki, hey," Tony's hand is on his arm again and Loki gives in to the urge to scream, ripping his arm free and stumbling away from the wide-eyed inventor.

"Don't touch me!" The voice is his own but it sounds far away, and Tony's still following him as he stumbles closer to a corner. _Corner. Corners are safe._

"Loki, please, listen to me-" there's too much, everything is too loud and too bright and it overwhelms him with power that he has to _get out_ and suddenly the corner of the room is engulfed by green energy, and the couch and kitchen appliances crumbling to pieces on the floor and knocking Tony down again. Loki reaches the corner and slides down the wall, knees bent to his chest, sobbing. 

"Fuck," he hears Tony curse, and he realizes he might have hurt the mortal, or perhaps is just scaring him, but he can't really bring himself to care much because the director was right, Thanos is coming. He can feel it now, the wild pulse of his magic has brought the all-too-familiar tingling feeling of power to his limbs and he can feel the poison of the Mad Titan's energy, lurking, waiting, searching. Thanos is coming for him and he won't let him go this time. No one will come for him and he can't, he can't do that again. He buries his head in his hands and rocks back in forth, sobbing. 

_Please, please, I'm sorry. Norns I beg of you just end me now, please._ There's a distant rumble of thunder. _I'm so, so sorry. Why couldn't the Allfather have left me to die? I just want to-_

"Brother," the voice dumps a whole other bucket of emotions on top of his head, anger, fear, jealousy, pain, but also relief. _Thor is here._ His head is heavy as he drags it up to peer through blurry tears at the thunder god's face. He isn't dressed in his usual armor, just a plain tunic, and boots. He doesn't seem angry, like last time. His eyes are soft like his expression, and he gives a small hint of a smile when Loki looks up to him. _Thor is here. Thanos is coming._ It's all too much. Tony stands awkwardly behind him, wringing his hands and Loki feels a rush of guilt at the red mark on his cheek. _You hurt him_. 

"What ails you?" Thor is much closer now, though his usual harsh footsteps are gentle and he leaves enough room between himself and Loki as he sits beside him that, had Loki chosen to, he could have fled. His voice too is soft. 

"Flashback, panic attack? Both in one, I think." Tony's voice drifts from somewhere to Loki's right now, and he doesn't care to look. He's exhausted, still sobbing, and he lets his head drop to his knees again. 

"Nothing will ever harm you again, that I swear to you," Thor murmured, and oh gods Loki wanted to believe him _so badly._

"They will," he finds himself sobbing to the not-brother he claimed he'd never speak to again. "T-Thanos, he's coming." Thor shushes him, not quite touching but inching closer. 

"I will slay anyone and anything that dares lay a hand on you." Thor assures him, and Loki can tell he really believes that. _I still hate you. No, I don't. Yes, I do. I don't know._

"Would you let me touch you?" Thor murmured, his blue eyes pleading. 

"Thor," Tony's voice filters through, "I don't know if that's such a-" Loki doesn't let him finish. He just wants to be safe, that's all he wants. Thor is safe. Thor will keep him safe.

"Thor-" he whimpered, and that was all it took for the blonde to wrap his arms around him, pulling him to his chest which he promptly melted into. Thor was warm. _Thor is always warm._

"I have not forgiven you," Loki rapsed into Thor's shoulder, clutching the fabric of his tunic as he cried. 

"I know, brother, I know. Do not think of it now. We will have much to discuss later. Now, just rest. I shall protect you." People seemed to be telling him that a lot, but nevertheless, it didn't take much for Loki to fall asleep in Thor's arms, especially when the thunder god began to rock him gently back and forth. 


	23. Chapter Twenty-Three

_**-** _

_"It's been falling for so long..." a grow_ _l_ _laced with candied sympathy, underlying darkness so poorly concealed that even in the foggy transition to consciousness, Loki can pick it up as evil._

_"Master will be pleased with this one." another voice, a slimy hand through his hair painted with the illusion of gentleness before ripping his head up harshly. Loki gasped, limbs weak from being unused for so long attempting to scramble for some sort of hold on the dirt floor, but too exhausted to find one._

_Solid ground._

_He'd stopped falling._

_The realization brings a sob of relief before his head is yanked up again, this time by his throat. He chokes, blinking rapidly to clear his blurry vision as a rough hand slides slowly down his backside._

_"How about we get acquainted, eh Frost Giant?"_

**_-_ **

Loki jerks awake with a small gasp, lifting a hand to his burning throat.

_It was just a dream._

He sags back against the pillows, exhaustion pouring from every nerve. _Why can't the world just be quiet for a little while? It's all I ask._

His other hand is occupied by none other than Thor himself. The blond had apparently moved him to a bedroom chamber, as he was laying in a large bed and was tucked in by blue sheets. Thor himself was slumped over in a chair beside him, clutching his hand while his head lolled on the bed, snoring softly.

Loki takes a moment to truly observe his not-brother, too terrified during their previous reunion to really _see_ him. Thor looks different, an air to him that's present even in his slumber, an air Loki is estranged to. His hair has grown longer, brushing past his shoulders in slight waves that are more of a dirty-blond than the pure blond Loki was so used to. It wasn't brushed out or fluffy anymore either, and Loki finds he likes this style better. He'd thinned out his beard just slightly, now only light facial hair compared to his previous poor beginnings of an imitation of The Allfather.

He looked older. More mature, if Loki dared to hope. He'd lost the youthful look to him that he'd carried before. It wasn't to say that he'd aged, at least not by appearance, but he'd lost the brash and stuck-up appearance of royalty that he'd carried for so long before.

But looks are deceiving, Loki would know. A mere alteration of appearance does not necessarily point to intellectual or emotional growth, Loki muses. For all he knew, Thor was the same old brash, oafish, self-absorbed idiot he'd become as soon as he'd begun hanging out with Sif and The Warriors Three centuries ago.

_Or was he?_ Could he have possibly changed in Loki's absence? Even in the short span of leave from the Battle of New York to now?

_" I know, brother, I know. Do not think of it now. We will have much to discuss later."_ he'd said when Loki had reminded him that he was not yet forgiven. Such words of patience, of gentle acceptance, of maturity even, were most unlike Thor. Could he have learned of his faults and be attempting to change for the better? To be a better person? A better son? A better prince? _A better brother?_

For a minute, Loki ponders, and then he bursts out into bitter laughter. Surely, no. He's never been worth it before, there is no reason why he should be worth anything to Thor now. _Then why is he here?_ At the sound of his laughter, Thor stirs and blinks wearily up at him, lifting his head from the mattress.

"You are awake," he said.

"And you were not a dream. Keen observations on both of our parts." Loki snorts. "Though I fail to see any logical reason for _why_ you are here."

"It was not an easy decision to leave your side." Loki snorted again, ignoring the flash of hurt in Thor's eyes. "It was not. Yet my friends thought it a poor decision to remain, and I wanted only what was best for you-" another snort, "so I departed to Asgard, where I instructed Heimdall to inform me when the time was right to return to you."

"I don't need you." Loki snarls in response, a bitter hole in his chest. Thor's gaze drops briefly to their still-clasped hands, and it takes every drop of sheer will Loki has to tear his hand away. _What are you doing?_ _You're going to drive him away again!_

"No," Thor smiled, though it's sad. Sad smiles do not belong on Thor's face, Loki decides. "You've never needed anyone."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean only that you have always been independent, reliant on no one but yourself. Save for mother's brief period of study with you, you've taught yourself your powers on your own. Everything with which I admire about you, though I am late to express it, has come from no one but yourself. You have always been independent, is all I mean."

"Only because I learned all too quickly that I had to be!" Loki finds himself shouting. "The Allfather only tolerated my existence so that he could use me as a pawn in his political schemes. He cared not for the _monster_ he'd stolen. And although the knowledge of my true heritage may not have been known to everyone else, they still hated me too!" _Rightly so_ , the voice inside of his head doesn't sound like his own. "Surely the Allfather has informed you of my heritage, no? Slay all the Frost Giants, Thor. You _promised._ Kill me." There is no trace of the anger Loki had counted on sparking in Thor's eyes, only sadness, guilt, and a twinge of horror. Anger, Loki knows what to do with. But this? This puts him at a loss.

"Aye, the Allfather informed me of such, and I care not. You are my brother, Loki. I _care not_ if it is by true sharing of blood, for you mean more to me for that simple technicality to have any power to change. Such a thing could never and will never sway my opinion of you. I never should have said those words. I was wrong, and I'm so sorry." Loki's head is spinning. It's too much new, weird information, so he settles for the one thing he can grasp first; pain.

"But the Frost Giants are monsters, and I am one of them. Surely that repulses you as it does I?" Thor shook his head. "You should kill me while you have the chance."

"Brother, I have raised my hand in battle against yours twice before now, and that is twice too many times. Never again, and certainly never for the result of your death. I could never kill you, even if you _were_ a monster, I could never. Call me weak if you must, but I love you, and this is the truth. But Loki, brother, you are no monster. Neither are the Jotun. Sometimes individuals are monsters. But that does not make the race with which these individuals belong to monsters as well. Asgard is foolish to think otherwise, and I was too. Yes, you are of Jotun blood, but that does not make you a monster, or any less my brother." Thor's eyes were filled with honesty, yet Loki still searched for the lie in his face.

He found none.

"You thought me capable of the attacks on Midgard, though," Loki whispered, hating the way his voice trembled with tears.

"Aye," Thor said softly, "but through no fault of your character. I simply believed you to be in pain and lost from your time in the void. I should have asked, yet I did not. I was also in mourning still. I'd lost you a year earlier. I mourned you greatly. I prayed for you to return to me, somehow. But when I was made aware that you lived, and what everyone had perceived that you had done, Heimdall warned me that the void had changed you, and I assumed him correct, for you had never been a violent person. These were my faults, not yours. I should not have confronted you without a clearer head. But I did not believe you capable of such things because I believed you to be an evil person. I simply believed you were lost."

"I myself have been lost," Thor spoke when Loki did not. "Did you not just say that I had sworn to slay all the Jontuns? A grave wrong. But for my misguidings, do you believe me to be evil? To be a monster?"

"No," Loki admits softly. "I simply believe you have many misguidings about things." Thor rose from his chair beside Loki's bed, and for a split second Loki feared he'd angered him. _Please don't leave me again._ But then Thor crashed to his knees.

"Brother, many wrongs I have done in my life, the most grave done to you. I have no place to ask anything from you, yet I am selfish, and I beg of you, please, to hear the words that I might speak if you so let me. I do not expect your forgiveness, and Norns know I do not deserve it. But you are my brother, and I love you dearly. 'Tis poisonous of me to have required such tragic events to realize how deeply you mean to me, and I fear there is nothing that I might say or do to heal these wounds I have given to you. But please, I beg of you, I could not live with myself if I did not try." Loki's too stunned to say anything or even half-heartedly protest when Thor reaches for his hand once again. He just nods somewhat dumbly.

"H-have I ever told you the tale o-of the first time I laid e-eyes on you?" Thor asked softly. Thick tears are rolling down his cheeks before disappearing beneath his tunic. Loki once wished to cause Thor such pain. To make him cry. To make him feel but an ounce of what he himself felt every moment. But now, faced with the blond's tear-filled blue eyes filled with pain and his voice radiating with guilt; he doesn't want that anymore. Loki shook his head slowly.

"Mother had placed you in a b-basinet, lined with gold, and you were dressed in green, a-as though she'd known you would take a liking to the color." Thor's voice begins to steady as he speaks, a small smile forming across his lips. "I asked what you were. You were so tiny. She told me you were my brother. My baby brother. You simply slept, yet I wished to play with you. I expressed this to mother, but she told me that I could not play with you yet; since you were sleeping. I yelled, "But I want to play with him _now_!", and you started to cry. Mother told me that I'd scared you. I didn't want to scare you. So I took your hand in mine and said, "Don't be afraid little brother, for I swear to you I shall protect you", and you stopped crying. Loki, brother, I am so, so sorry that I broke my promise." Thor is sobbing now, his shoulders shaking, and Loki isn't really sure what else to do but reach his arms out for him; as he is crying now too.

"You are the best brother," Thor cries as he pulls Loki to his chest in a tight hug. "I once said you were the worst but that was a lie, you are the best, and it is I who am the worst."

"S-since when did you become so mature?" Loki whispers against Thor's shoulder. The blond shifts a bit so that Loki is curled up against him as he himself leans against the headboard.

"I told you once, when we fought in Asgard, that I had changed, do you remember?" Loki nods. "That was not a lie, though I realized all too late that I had not changed enough. When...w-when you fell," Thor tugged him a little closer, "It was all I could think about. It has been ever since. What I could have said. What I could have done. What the Allfather could have said and done. I wished I'd let go with you. I believed you to be dead, but had I died as well at least I would still be with you. The second time," Thor's hand trails to Loki's wrist but he does not roll up his sleeves. Loki finds an odd sense of relief that he didn't see the lightning scars.

"The second time," Thor repeats, "I-I knew I had to fix things. I knew then, clearer than ever, that it was I who had wounded you so badly. When I returned to Asgard, I went straight to Mother's chambers and explained to her what had occurred."

"Mother knows?" Loki whispered.

"Aye, she knows that you are innocent. I told her such. I asked her to help me become a better brother so that I might have a chance to fix what has happened between us."

"How did she help you?"

"She taught me how to see things from your perspective, and I was horrified to see it as such, for your perspective is such a pain-filled one. She made it clear to me that my old friends mistreated you, so the first thing that I did when I saw them was to put them in their places." Loki looked up at him sharply.

"You did?"

"Aye. Had the situation been any different, I might have found some entertainment in their expressions. Mother also helped me to use my head, for once. It is through that which I went on my own. I stayed in your chambers, and I read the books which you used to read. I spent many an hour thinking, trying to see things from your point of view, and trying to understand. Too many times have I shut you down, cast you aside, agreed with the Allfather in all things, without stopping to realize how dull your eyes had become. I wish I could take every one of those moments back, believe me. Had I been able to see past myself and realize how much I've hurt you, I never would have. I swear that to you." 

"You are here now." Loki's words aren't acceptance, but they're also not a rejection. Thor feels hope swell in his chest. 

"Aye, I am. I shan't leave you again." Loki chuckles.

"I highly doubt that your father will grant any approval of that." 

"He is no longer my father." _What?_ Loki sat up sharply, facing Thor with an incredulous look in his eyes. 

"I _beg_ your pardon?" 

"Both mine and Frigga's relationship with the Allfather is strictly limited to matters that concern Asgard and her people, and only that," Thor informed him. "I spoke with him regarding you and he was...he was...the cruelty that poured from his lips was not my father."

"But-but you love him!" Loki's voice was a few octaves higher now.

"Nay, I loved the father I thought I saw. I was blinded to his mistreatment of you and focused only on gaining his approval and the glory of being the heir to the throne of Asgard. He has neglected you horribly and look at what has come out of that. I promised myself when the Son of Fury and the Avengers gathered to discuss the events that had taken place that I would never make such mistakes with you again. My blind following of Odin was one of those mistakes, which I shall never repeat. The Allfather has fallen into the Odinsleep again, but if he were to awaken and demand my return, I would not comply." 

"Who is ruling Asgard then?" Loki was well aware that his mouth had dropped open, but he found appearances weren't high on his priority list at the moment. 

"I am, yet when Heimdall called for me Mother has taken over until my return."

"I see," Loki murmured, drawing his skinny knees to his chest and frowning at the wall in front of him. 

"Are you alright, brother?" 

"I don't know," Loki admitted, not daring to meet Thor's eyes in fear of what he might find there. But Thor simply hummed in acceptance, leaning back as well and letting Loki have his silence to think. It was many moments before he spoke again. 

"You said you mourned," he whispered, something ugly coiling in his belly when Thor tensed beside him. "You said everyone did. But your eyes betrayed you. Even then I could tell. It was not everyone, was it?" _Who would mourn a monster?_ Thor was quiet for a very long time before he sighed and rubbed a hand across his face. 

"Nay," he began very quietly. "'Tis one of the reasons why Mother and I are so estranged from the Allfather now; he forbade it." Loki felt something inside of him shatter, and he wrapped his arms around himself. 

"Why? Why did he forbid it?" his voice cracked in the middle and never recovered. The all-too-familiar sting of tears filled his eyes and Loki found that he could not control them, breath hitching when Thor once again pulled him into a hug. "I wanted n-nothing more t-than to please h-him. Nothing m-more! I just..I-I just wanted him t-to love-" Loki found he couldn't continue, breaking off into loud, wet sobs, burying his head against his knees as he shook. 

"I know not, brother, I don't." Thor sounds like he is crying too. "I pleaded with him, mother slapped him, but he would not hold a funeral. He refused." Loki cries even harder. The sound of the bedroom door opening and rushed footsteps is drowned out by his tears. The bed dips a little bit to his left and the angry voice of Tony Stark fills the room. 

"What the _fuck_ did you say to him?" he growls but doesn't give Thor a chance to respond. Tony's arms aren't as warm as Thor's, but they bring a different kind of comfort as they wrap around him, the arc reactor humming against the side of his chest. A painless kind of comfort. 

"Snowflake, talk to me, baby, what's hurting that pretty lil' heart of yours?" Tony murmurs, brushing Loki's hair away from his face. He's broken down enough in front of Tony's judgment-free presence that the words don't stick to his throat as much as they used to. 

"They didn't care! They didn't care that I died! Odin refused to have a funeral, he..h-he didn't even care!" Loki wails. His heart is splitting in half. 

"That fucking bastard can rot in hell then. Honey, I can't get it out of my head when I found you. I thought you were going to die. There was so much blood and you-" Loki can feel him swallow thickly. "I would have mourned if that means anything to you. I would have mourned." 

It does, Loki feels almost selfish to admit to himself. It feels good that someone would have been sad. 

"Perhaps there were no funeral fires to keep burning, but my candles for you never went out, and they never will." came Thor's soft voice. He's staring off to the side with dark eyes when Loki lifts an aching head to look at him. "Odin may have forbidden the funeral, but the people still mourned. I saw it. They still do now. They burn candles and dress in black. There is a hidden sight at one of the coves you used to frequent. A cave, and inside it there are candles and offerings. The children leave you candies and stories they wrote for you. It is beautiful. As soon as I learned of it, I informed Mother, and she cast a spell to cloak it from Odin's sight so that he would not disturb it. When he fell into the Odinsleep, she frequented it as well. Brother, I never stopped mourning you." 

"You jest?" The fact that Loki felt the need to even ask makes Thor feel sick, but he takes some comfort in the fact that his eyes were slightly brighter. 

"Nay, I do not. If...if ever you decide to return to Asgard, I will take you there. The people are in mourning for you brother. They would be overjoyed to see you well." 

"P-perhaps..." 

"Feel no pressure to decide now. I did not come here to persuade you to return home with me, only to be here for you as a better brother," Thor assured him. 

"I-I want to forgive you," Loki murmured, a ghost of a smile tugging at his lips when he felt Tony gently squeeze his hand. "But...I don't know if I can." Thor's smile was sad again, but it held no resentment or anger as it might have had once before. 

"That is alright, Loki. I understand." _No, you don't._

"I wonder if it is pointless to even try." The smile dropped from Thor's face completely. 

"What...what do you mean?" The familiar tug of fear pulled at Loki's stomach as he opened his mouth to respond. 

"The Titan is coming. He promised. If I failed, he promised he would come for me." Tony's fingers tighten around his own, but he feels far away now. 

"We'll fight him." Tony murmurs. 

"You can't." _No one can. He is inevitable._

"Perhaps not." Thor agreed. "But you can." _Don't you know I tried?!_

"My failure in that regard is _obvious,_ brother." The word slips from his lips and he doesn't care to correct it. 

"You were weak-" Loki scowls at him, "-I say it not by way of insult brother, but by fact. We'd fought. You struggled against Mjolnir, I remember I heard one of your ribs crack. The force of the Bifrost's destruction wounded me greatly. I spent many days with the healers, and you...falling in the void for so long...only to be found by Thanos and tortured..." Thor trails off when Loki turns his head away. "If Thanos really is coming, then we must prepare. Loki, when you are well and strong you could crumble this world to dust with the sheer strength of your magic. I know it so." Loki stares. Tony's whistle is loud in his ear.

"Y-you never cared for my magic." 

"Nay, until I went to Mother for her help. She told me then, how powerful you were. More powerful than the Allfather himself, she says. When Thanos comes, we will be ready this time." 

"I cannot grasp it," Loki admitted quietly, pulling his arm across his stomach almost protectively. 

"They...they took it from you?" Thor's voice is horrified and Tony shakes his head. 

"But you used it before, in my lab, and to get dressed?" Loki nods. 

"Yes, but it is damaged. My seidr, I mean. They...suppressed it, and seidr should not be suppressed. It turns on itself when it is. I know not how to heal it without my magic, and that I cannot reach." 

"Then I shall send for Mother," Thor announced, rising from the bed. 

"Pardon?"

"I shall send for Mother. Surely she will know what to do." 

"But Mother is in Asgard! The _only_ ruler present. Surely she has more important things to do." 

"None more important than her children. Mother is a powerful sorceress, surely she can manage to keep Asgard protected long enough to see her son." Loki frowned.

"But...I'm not..." _I'm not her son._ The words hurt too much to say out loud, but Thor's face still softened in understanding. 

"Just like you will always be my brother, you will always be Frigga's son." He said calmly, moving forward to place his hand gently on Loki's neck. "I will return shortly with Mother, you needn't wait long." He turned to Tony. "Son of Iron, my many thanks to you. My brother seems...close with you, and in turn you to him. I am much appreciative that my brother and my good friend find happiness with each other. I wish you both many good years." Loki resisted the urge to roll his eyes at Tony's obvious discomfort, who was fumbling with a mock salute. 

"I shall return in moment's time," Thor murmured. 

"Gentle on the floor, eh Point Break?" Tony called weakly. 

"Heimdall?" Instead of the bright explosive light of the Bifrost, Thor simply shimmered out of sight. _Mother's magic._

"Woah, cool. Totally did not expect him to listen to that one." 

"My mother's magic is far more gentle than that of the Bifrost," Loki explained, rubbing his eyes. The weight of his panic from earlier, the feeling of Thanos lurking in the corners, and this new dump of information by Thor had left Loki more exhausted than he'd been since Tony'd ripped off his muzzle. The reminder brings the uncontrollable urge to poke his tongue out his lips back in full force. _Pathetic._

The sudden shapes of Thor and Frigga shimmering into solid form beside them prompted a small shriek from Tony and another wave of emotion for Loki. 

"Damn! That's some Star Trek shit right there!" The inventor exclaimed at the same time that Thor unnecessarily announced, "I have returned." 

"Loki," Frigga rushed forward a few steps before halting and turning to Thor and Tony. "Might I have a moment alone with my son, please?" Thor nodded, stepping away to the door. Tony squeezed his hand before following suit, shutting the bedroom door softly behind him, but not before calling a soft, "I'll be back," over his shoulder. 

"Loki," his mother once again crooned, rushing forward and scooping him into her embrace. He sagged against her, the familiar feeling of her silk dress and the soft smell of vanilla she always seemed to carry bringing tears to his eyes once again that he tried desperately to hold in. _Haven't you cried enough now? Pathetic._

"Hush darling, let it out." his mother whispered against his hair, running her hand soothingly over his back. She didn't need to tell him twice. _Pathetic._

"Oh, Loki, my sweet, sweet child." She pulled away just slightly, cupping his face in her hands, his tears collecting on her fingers. He shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut. 

"But I'm _not._ "

"Child, a mere blood technicality cannot take away our relationship. You _are_ my son." 

"Amma," Loki sobs, and she pulls him back into her embrace. 

"My dear child, hush now. All will be well. You have endured so much, but you are safe now." 

"I'm _not_ ," Loki whimpered. "The Titan is c-coming. He promised. Thor says I can defeat him but I-I don't think I _can_." 

"Loki," his mother's voice is gentle but firm. "Look at me, child." Loki does. "You can, and you will." Loki stares at her for a long second, the implications of her statement ringing loud in his ears. Frigga was a powerful sorcerer, raised by witches. She could communicate with the Norns. She had _clairvoyance._

"Have you..." Loki trails off. He knows she can't tell him what she has seen. _Did I win?_ Frigga smiles gently at him. 

"Your seidr, Thor tells me, is damaged." Loki nods, his eyes were still blown wide at her implication. "Lay back, my dear. I shall heal it." With her aid, Loki lays back, his head resting on her lap as she closes her eyes. "This may feel uncomfortable, but it should not hurt very much. After, you will just need to rest and build back up your strength. I can see it, your seidr is simply damaged, weakened. Not lost." Her words remove a heavy weight he hadn't realized he'd been carrying. Tendrils of Frigga's silvery-blue magic began to wrap around his chest, and he closed his eyes, gritting his teeth against the pain. 

"It is done, my child." Frigga's gentle voice comes after a few minutes. The familiar buzz of his seidr thrums through his veins. _Gods how I missed that._

"Thank you, " Loki whispers, opening up his eyes drowsily to see her face. 

"You will be tired for some time, but do not be alarmed," she murmured, brushing the hair from his face. "I must go now." her voice was sad, and his unhappiness must have been clear on his face for she bent down and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead, smoothing his hair a little more. "Worry not, dearest. You are well protected here, it seems. Know that you will always be welcome in Asgard, should you choose to return." Loki squeezed her hand, and with a gentle smile, she faded away. 

He was not alone for long. 

"Hey, Princess," The sound of the door opening and closing along with Tony's gentle footsteps. "I asked Thor to hang back, you seemed a little overwhelmed. Feeling any better?" Tony climbed into the bed beside him, and Loki decided he could give a damn about looking regal. He turned, sighing softly as he dragged himself into Tony's lap, who responded with a gentle hand through his hair. 

"I'm not sure what to make of this newfound maturity in Thor. But yes, I can feel my magic again. Mother said I would be tired, though." 

"That's alright, we've got all the time in the world." _No, we don't._ Loki didn't feel like arguing. 

"You know what, Snowflake?" Tony spoke after a moment of peaceful silence. Loki hummed. 

"Loki Friggason has a ring to it." 

"Loki Friggason," Loki repeated, a small smile stretching across his sleepy face. "Yes, I suppose it does." 


	24. Chapter Twenty-Four

**_-_ **

_Sharp, jagged pieces of the chipped stone floor dug into his limbs, sending more and more streaks of dark scarlet blood mixing with the dried crimson and grime that coated his skin as two Chitauri guards dragged him through the dimly-lit corridors of the seemingly endless cavern he'd been taken to months ago. Loki barely even flinched when the side of his cheek knocked into another one of the jutted pieces of rock, slicing it open. Fresh iron mixed with the sour taste of stale bile from his session earlier in his mouth, trickling into one side of his parted lips and out the other. Nothing compared to the horrible stinging, white-hot burning pain that lit up his entire back like a never-ending bonfire. His once perfect porcelain skin was shredded in dark, ugly lines from the whip they'd used, slicing him open over, and over, and over again until he mercifully fell unconscious from the pain. The familiar tingle of his seidr healing his wounds is gone. They'd taken that from him too, a comfort he hadn't realized he'd taken for granted until it was gone, leaving only an aching hole in his stomach, and perhaps a few pitfull, sparkling green sparks from his fingers if he had the energy to try. Using a damaged seidr only results in more pain, though._

_He's hoisted up to his feet rather abruptly, eliciting what was meant to be a soft gasp of pained surprise but was actually a slight gurgle of the blood that had filled his mouth. (From where? Oh, that's right. Hadn't he cut his cheek?)_

_"Show some respect for your Master, runt." Came a snarling voice from a direction he couldn't discern as left or right. (Did it even matter anyway?)_

_Apparently, they'd still been holding him upright, as when the stinging pressure in his biceps slipped off, he went crashing to his knees, sending waves of agony through his ribs and his right leg, which had been bent at an unnatural, sickly angle since...he couldn't remember when._

_"My Pet," The rough hand of Thanos (No! Master!) wrapped around his neck, wrenching up his head and stealing the air from his already struggling lungs. "I grow impatient. Have you changed your mind yet?" The grip on his neck tightened._

_"N-no. I-I won't." Loki wheezed around the thick, purple fingers. Thanos squeezed a little tighter, and Loki almost wanted to encourage him. (Please. Rid me of this hell.) But the fingers released him, and he went slumping back against the stone, searing pain ripping through his back. (Don't scream. Don't scream. Don't scream.)_

_"I think you will soon find, that you gave the wrong answer." His head is yanked up once more from the floor, tilted back roughly, and before Loki has a chance to panic liquid is being poured down his throat. He gasps and splutters, struggling wildly against the iron grip the guards had on him, but to no use. When he was positively certain that he was going to die, the liquid stopped pouring and he was released, crumpling to the floor, choking and clawing at his abused throat._

_"I've heard-" Thanos crooned, petting Loki's hair before twisting his broken leg. Loki couldn't hold in the scream. "-that Frost Giants such as yourself do not...get along well with heat. They say your weakness is fire." Loki shuddered. "So we shall discover if that is true or not." He finished with a whisper, a crooked sneer spreading across his face before he turned and left, slamming Loki's cell door shut behind him._

_He didn't even have a chance to think before the fire erupted in his veins._

"Rise and shine, Snowflake!" came Tony's voice to his side with a gentle hand across his face, his finger just lightly skimming over Loki's closed eyelid. _You are going to travel to Midgard, with the aid of the Chitauri you will take their planet, find the Tesseract, and bring it to me. Do you understand?_ His left eye explodes in phantom pain, he jerks up, catching Tony's hand in his own, grip tight enough to cause the engineer to wince. _Cease this! It is only Anthony!_ He drew in a ragged breath. _You fool! You'll hurt him!_

"Lokes, deep breaths, it's only me." Tony murmurs. _You're hurting him!_ Tony's hand seems to burn underneath his too-tight fingertips at those words and he drops it quickly. 

"I'm sorry," he gasps, swinging his legs off the bed, hunching into himself, drawing a shaky breath, and trying hard to ignore the burn in his stomach. _I've heard that Frost Giants such as yourself do not get along well with heat._

"It's alright. I didn't mean to startle you." Tony murmurs. Usually, by now he would have taken Loki's hands in his, but he doesn't. Loki can practically _feel_ the uncertainty rolling off the man in waves, and he hates himself for putting it there. 

"Y-you shouldn't have, I-that was...quite stupid of me. I apologize." Loki buries his head in his hands. _Pathetic._

"Hey, hey, hey now, none of that shit. It's not stupid." At Loki's silence, Tony sighs. "You know, for a long time after...you know, I couldn't have anyone touch me without flinching. Not even the people I knew. I just couldn't. I understand. If you don't like being touched-" Loki's head snaps up so quickly that Tony can hear his neck make a small popping noise. 

"No!" he exclaims, frowning before continuing in a softer tone. "No. It's not that. Please, don't stop doing that." Tony almost immediately takes his hands, and some of the tension bleeds from Loki's shoulders. "It's just...I didn't...know...know who it was. That touched...touched my eye. Mast-ah, er, Th-the Titan had The Other...er...I can't...get it out of my head." Loki sighs, dropping his head on Tony's inviting shoulder. "I can't get anything out of my head." He admits softly. 

"That's not stupid either," Tony says firmly. "I used to have flashbacks and shit all the time. Still do sometimes. It's not stupid." Loki sighs, his heart beginning to settle back to its normal pace. "I know it feels stupid," Tony says, rubbing Loki's shoulder as the god closes his eyes, "but it's not. I promise." _I won't lie, talking about it does help._ Tony's words ring in his ears. 

But it's not that simple. At least, it doesn't _feel_ that simple. Confiding in Tony means remembering. Loki doesn't want to remember, he wants to forget. 

But Tony doesn't move. He just sits there, his usual anxious jittering unusually still as he simply rubs Loki's shoulder with one hand and holds onto the other. He doesn't push, hasn't pushed, probably won't push; and he also doesn't leave. 

He doesn't have to tell him everything. Just, perhaps, the things he can't seem to forget anyway. The idea seems safe enough. He sucks in a breath. 

"They...they cut..." Loki pauses, sucking in another breath, pushing his head a little further into Tony's shoulder. "...they...my eyes. I-out. They cut them out." Loki can feel every muscle in Tony's left side go rigid. 

"They _what?_ " his voice sounds weirdly strained, barely a whisper, as though saying it would somehow make it worse than it already was. Loki lifts a hand to rub at his still-shut eyes, burning phantom pains licking at his body from every direction. 

"Several times." Tony turns, his movements jerky, lifting the hand that had been rubbing Loki's shoulder to cup his cheek, his face bleeding horror as his fingers ghost around the bottoms of Loki's bright green orbs. 

"How..." Tony's voice is shaking along with the rest of his body. A foreign urge to shield Tony from the horror in his eyes grips him, and he might have wrapped an arm around Tony's shoulders had his own not felt so paralyzed. 

"Accelerated healing. Unlike you mortals, I heal very quickly. Or, am supposed to, at least. While they may have damaged my seidr and stolen my access, it still pulses through my veins however limited. I grew them back, in time. My eyes were not...the only parts." Tony's face had drained of all color. 

"'Twas not the worst part, really. I've felt worse pain." Loki continues. Tony's horrified expression washes his body with a strange sense of glee. His lips twitch upwards into the hints of the beginning of a twisted smirk. It feels so good. It feels _so_ good for someone to notice him. For someone to know. For someone to understand. For someone to care enough that they didn't pass off his troubles as mere laughing matters or more reasons to jest. No, Tony looks like he's seen something horrendous, the knuckles in the hand that still clings to Loki's white with tension. He looks like he wants to kill. Wants to destroy the Mad Titan and The Other. He can't, Loki knows. But it feels so good to see that he _wants_ to. Not by mere guess either. No, Tony's thoughts are transparent on his face. 

"When they released the chains holding me and left, I tried to go to the corner. I always went to the corner when they finally would leave. But they'd left my eyes on the floor, I remember watching the first one just roll..." he trails off when Tony's face adopts a greenish tinge, not eager for the mortal to puke on him. 

"Don't tell me you..." Tony shakes his head violently, mouthing the word "no" when Loki nods. 

"I crushed one. With my bare hand. I was lucky the other had not also rolled in that direction."

"Fuck!" Tony exclaims, looking positively sick. "Fuck!"

Loki laughs, and then he cries. 

**_-_ **

-oOo-

Tony all but glues himself to Loki's side following his less-than-pleasant revelation that morning, but Loki _really_ doesn't mind. Every time Tony's hand seems to accidentally brush against his own, every time he cards it through Loki's hair, every bump of their feet together as they sip on coffee and hot chocolate at the breakfast nook, sends little fiery tendrils of heat through his veins. Perhaps once, a long time ago, he would have scoffed at the idea that he, a god, would ever be so smitten over Tony Stark, a mortal. But now, he really doesn't care.

"Hey, you know, Thor mentioned something to me earlier, and I've got a surprise for you," Tony says, rising from the table and linking his pinkie finger with Loki's, playfully tugging until he got the god to his feet. 

"Oh?" A warm feeling spreads through his chest, momentarily distracting him from the dull ache of healing seidr, _I'm going to have to warn him about that, I suppose_ , as the inventor leads him to an elevator. _A surprise? For me?_

"Yeah, I think you'll like it. Thor said you liked to read?" Loki nods as the elevator comes to a halt, the doors opening to reveal a rather large library. "Welcome to my never-ever-used library! Make yourself at home, Sugarcube, I know I sure won't!" Loki steps forward, the familiar scent of paper and old books filling his nostrils. 

The library isn't anything compared to the massive libraries in Asgard, but it had been so _long_ since he'd seen a book, since he'd held one in his hands, since he'd lost himself inside the ink coating the delicate papers; his knees almost feel weak with the emotion of it. 

"Go on," Tony nudges him forward a bit. "Pick out something you like. If you want you can take it down to the lab while I work. You remember my couch? Waiting for your beautiful ass to sit on it." Loki turns to him, furiously fighting a blush.

"Are you sure? These are yours." Tony blinks owlishly at him before bending over, howling with laughter. Loki frowns, not entirely sure what was so hilarious to the inventor currently pretending to wipe fake tears from his eyes. _Drama queen._ Loki glares at him, tightening his arms around his torso just slightly when his stomach gives a little lurch. _Not now!_

"Ah, Snowflake, much to learn, much to learn." Tony finally straightens, grinning all the more at Loki's glare. "If I've got to scrounge up the patience to read something it's gonna be short and electronic, and even then that's rare. I built this for aesthetic and 'cos the person I lived with at the time wanted it for show. But he's gone now, I still have it, and you like to read. It's yours. Go nuts." Loki feels his lips stretch into a grin. The motion is odd and it pulls at his face uncomfortably, making his cheeks hurt and his mouth tingle weirdly; but the way Tony's beautiful chocolate-brown eyes seem to light up was worth the involuntary discomfort. He practically skips away, running a finger along the thick spines of the books as he walks deeper inside of the library, his fingers picking up a slight sheen of dust. 

The rows of Midgardian literature, seeming arranged in no practical order, are in no way as complex or exceptional as the seemingly endless rows of old books in Asgard which Loki had carefully picked his way through ever since he was small, but a few of them still catch his eye. They look relatively new save for the light coating of dust, affirming Tony's claim that he's never used them. He yearns for the old frayed yellow pages of Elvish lore and ancient magick, the smell of old leather and oak mixed with dark ink. But instead, he settles for the oldest-looking book he can find on this particular shelf he'd stopped in front of titled, "The Complete Works of Shakespeare" by William Shakespeare. Loki's eyes skirt around the room before flickering anxiously in Tony's direction. Even in the dullness, he could easily lose himself in a library for _hours_. Tony did not seem to be very interested in literature, though, and Loki doesn't want to bore him by waiting; lest he become annoyed and revoke the library privileges. _Childish fears,_ he chides himself. _I'm certain Anthony wouldn't do something like that._ But still, he can clearly remember the last time the Allfather had revoked his library privileges. He'd made friends with a much more...ugly coping mechanism. 

_Anthony wouldn't do that._

But it's better safe than sorry, he decides. 

He returns to where he'd left Tony, leaned up against a table he hadn't noticed before, and sipping on what had to be his fifth cup of coffee that day. He smiles. 

"That was quick, find something you like?" Loki nods and Tony squints at the book tucked safely against his chest. "Shakespeare? Jeez, okay, Princess. To each their own, I guess, or whatever. Well, to the lab we go my dear." Tony takes his arm and leads him to the elevators. Loki is perfectly capable of following on his own, but he certainly isn't going to protest to Tony's warm arm looped around his own.

"Sir," came the voice of the Ceiling Ghost as they step into the elevator. Loki settled himself in the corner. _Corners. Corners always have the illusion of safety._

"Yeah, J?" Tony moves into the corner with him.

"Mr. Odinson is requesting permission to travel to visit Ms. Foster."

"Uh, yeah sure? Why would I care?" Tony shrugs. 

"Actually, the request was directed to Mr. Laufreyson." Loki cringes at the title. 

"Why does Thor desire my permission to travel?"

"Mr. Odinson says that he does not wish to leave in a time of need, but respectfully inquires if perhaps you might need some time, Sir." The Ceiling Ghost explains in a rather bored tone. 

"I-where Thor goes is of no concern to me. Tell...tell him he may do as he pleases. I am fine." Loki mutters after a brief moment of shocked silence. Tony shrugs again, stepping out of the elevator when it gives a soft chime and the silver doors slide open. 

"J, you up 'n ready?" he calls, stopping by the couch which Loki gladly places himself into, his stomach clenching and his limbs trembling slightly in exhaustion. _You will be tired for some time, but do not be alarmed. Oh, Mother, if only you knew. Spells like that aren't so simple._

"For you, Sir, always." the voice of the Ceiling Ghost returns. It was becoming a rather pleasant sound, the detached voice. It kept watch, kept Tony safe; a new anxiety that had been clawing at his gut ever since they'd kissed. Not that Loki would admit that, of course. 

"Open up a new project-" Tony pauses, leaning behind Loki's head and planting a soft kiss on his cheek, "Happy reading, darling." he whispers into Loki's ear, breath tickling the base of his neck, before practically strutting back to his desk. "-and title it Mark XLII." 

Cheeks burning, Loki forces his attention to the book sitting in his lap, clenching his fingers around the cover to prevent himself from reaching up and placing delicate fingers to the spot Tony's lips had touched. _Curse Stark and his damn mouth_. The words on the page suddenly don't look as interesting anymore. 

-oOo-

"Snowflake? Hey, wakey-wakey, Sugarplum." Loki opens his heavy eyes he can't recall closing, blinking to find Tony crouched beside him, not yet touching, and the bright lab now dark. Almost as soon as he does, the long-overdue pain in his stomach makes itself known again, ten-fold the level from earlier. He carefully masks the pain from his face, turning bleary eyes still heavy with exhaustion to focus on Tony's sheepish gaze. _A little longer, no need to worry him._

"What's wrong?"

"Nothin', Sweetheart," Tony takes the book from Loki's lap and shuts it, placing it on the coffee table behind him. "It's just late."

"How late?" Loki asks, shoving himself upright, doing his best to ignore how his arms ache. _Just a little longer. He has to sleep sometime._ Tony winces at the question, ribbing the back of his neck. 

"Uh, 3 am?" he offers Loki a lopsided grin, but before Loki could make a comment Tony's hand was suddenly on his forehead. 

"You're not lookin' too good, you feeling okay?" Loki allows his eyes to close against Tony's touch. Only for a moment. 

"Tired, is all." He murmurs, forcing his eyes to open when Tony removes his hand. 

"Magical-healing-voodoo-shit giving you grief?" _Oh, if only you knew._

"I'll be fine, just tired." Tony's eyes flicker with something akin to doubt a second for he offers Loki his arm, who gladly accepts. 

"Let's get you to bed then, eh Sugar?" Tony slings Loki's arm over his shoulders, letting the exhausted god lean a good amount of his weight on him, which really isn't that much. Loki had always been skinny, but now his skin seemed to stretch over protruding angles of bones in thin arms and hips, and he was light enough now that even Tony could probably carry him with ease. 

The journey back to Tony's room, however short, was a blur, his abdomen burning with each drowsy step. It's only when Tony kneels down and begins to unzip his boots that he realizes he's back in Tony's room, sitting on his bed. He frowns, leaning down to do it, but Tony swats his hands away. 

"I can do it. I'm not an invalid." Loki's weak attempt at a growl came out slurred. 

"I know, I know you can. Just lemme help, Snowflake, you're exhausted. Just relax, okay?" Loki doesn't have it in himself to argue any further, allowing Tony to slip off his other boot and lay him back against the mattress, pulling the blankets up to his chest. He smooths back Loki's hair and places another gentle kiss on his cheek, lingering there for a second. 

"Sweet dreams, Snowflake. I'll be right here if you need me."

It seems like mere seconds later that Loki opens his eyes again to searing pain in his torso, unable to suppress a groan and wrapping his arms around himself tightly. Tony shifts beside him, his head tilted back against the pillows, one arm thrown over Loki's chest while the other was hanging off the bed. The blue light from the machine embedded into his chest, an arc reactor, Tony had called it, bathes the room, quiet save for Tony's soft snoring, the machine's gentle hum, and the soothing pattering of rain against the enormous windows in Tony's room. _Perhaps Thor was cross about something._

He wants to lay there forever, to sit and memorize every piece of Tony's sleeping face, the curves of his jaw down to the angles of his throat. He wants to lose himself in the gentle lullaby of his breathing and the hum of the reactor. But another fresh wave of pain squeezes his insides and he moans again, biting his lip hard enough to taste blood in an attempt to keep the noise down, not wanting to wake Tony. _Have you already forgotten how to stay silent? Pathetic._

He wants to scream. To whimper and curl up into a ball of sweaty pain until his seidr finally accepted his mother's healing spell, but he also doesn't want Tony to know, doesn't want him to worry. Doesn't want him to leave him for someone less...needy.

So he sits up with trembling arms, carefully extracting himself from Tony, nearly stumbling to the ground when he forced himself to stand. _It's only going to get worse_ , he remembers as he stumbles to the bathroom, shutting the door behind himself and not bothering with the lights. He'd read about these types of spells, a long time ago, one lonely night with dried tears painting his cheeks and the hot sting of thread pulling at his shut lips. He'd been too afraid to sleep, knowing the nightmares would surely come and he'd wake up screaming. Only he wouldn't be able to, and it would only hurt worse. 

To destroy one's seidr sits high on his list of the cruelest things a person could do. It's a part of him, it pulses through his veins, it bleeds, it cries, it heightens every physical and emotional sense he could have. It doesn't just come back. The spell books that are easy to find in Asgard describe the spell his mother used as a simple, while slightly draining for those without magical experience, spell that leaves the subject exhausted until the magic does its job. It's what Loki knew for years, until that night, he'd stumbled upon a spellbook he'd never seen before. The pages were dark with age, the book encased in faded leather, a murky oxblood color. It sang to him, his fingers itched to pick it up. The glittering dark red ink spoke of complicated, intricate spells. Spells which would have drained even the Allfather himself. Spells that _hurt_. 

_This hurts_.

He slides down the wall, drawing his knees to his chest and focusing on trying to breathe. _I can do this. I've had worse. I can do this._ It's the end result that matters. The pain is, while increasing in harsh waves, only temporary. By this time tomorrow, he should be fine. He'll be able to use his magic without horrible tendrils of electric pains shooting through his arms and down his chest. He'll be strong again. Tony won't see him as weak anymore. He'll be able to _protect_ himself. 

His thoughts bleed away unintelligibly as his body is consumed by waves of agony, leaving him breathless and twitching on the floor. He slides down further, resting his sweaty forehead on the cool tile and curling up as tight as he could through the seizing, jerking waves. 

"LOKI!" Tony's voice at the other end of the door _oozes_ with panic, the sounds of his fists banging against the door reverberating through his skull. "Please! Loki!" _Ah._ The loyal Ceiling Ghost must have alerted Tony to his current state. As the Midgardians would say, _fuck_. 

Tony apparently tries the door handle for the first time, for suddenly it's swinging open with great force, slamming against the wall as Tony's trips into the room, as though he hadn't expected for it to be unlocked. 

"No! No, no, no, no, shit!" his voice has reached a level of hysteria that cuts into Loki's heart with a serrated knife. The inventor drops to his knees by Loki's head, shaking as he snatches his wrists from the floor, inspecting them with wild eyes. For the first time since Tony had found him bathed in his own blood on the bathroom floor, Loki's heart sinks with guilt. 

"Y-you're not...you're...it's..." his eyes dart around, disoriented, shimmery drops of saltwater welling up in them despite his sudden rapid blinking, a few dripping down onto Loki's hair. "You're-"

"Shhh," Loki murmurs, untangling one of his hands from Tony's iron-hard grip to gently cup the shaking man's cheek. "Hush, dearest. It's all right. It's all right, darling. I'm okay." 

"Y-you're okay," Tony repeats shakily. Loki nods, smiling as he gently thumbs away the tears still falling. "Your-" another wave of agony tears through him, his hand slipping slightly from Tony's cheek as his body jerks. He tries his best to press his lips together in a thin line, trying to mask the pain from his face, but he evidently does a horrible job for Tony's words falter. "-you're _not_ okay." Tony's hands hover uncertainly over Loki's body. "Fuck, I don't-, _Loki_ what's-"

"Shhh," Loki murmurs again, voice slightly shaking. "It's alright. I will be. It's okay, dearest." He kind of wants to scream, but that's only going to scare Tony more. 

"It's not supposed to hurt. Right? This is your magic? I thought your mom said it would just make you sleepy." Loki smiles at that, his fingers tightening around Tony's own. _My little mortal, so smart._

"That's what is written in the- _ah_ \- the common books." Loki gasps. "It's...it's much more complicated than- _nng_ \- t-that." 

"How?" Tony seems to be calming down now, reaching out to wipe some of the sweat off Loki's brow.

"It _hurts_ ," Loki whispers, clenching his teeth. The idea of launching into a detailed description of _why_ did not sound appealing at his current state in the slightest. Tony's hand pauses for a second before he's suddenly reaching out, hoisting Loki upright and holding him there. 

"What're you doing?" Loki slurred, biting his tongue when another whimper of pain threatens to escape his lips. 

"Floor isn't comfy, bed is. C'mon, work with me here." Loki really tries, but with his body jerking violently every few seconds Tony practically has to drag him back to the bed. He collapses on top of it, curling onto his side and moaning in pain before clamping his lips shut tightly. Tony's hand cards through his hair. "Let it out, honey." 

"I-I don't want to sc- _ah_ -are you." he protests weakly, wrapping his arms tighter around himself. 

"Maybe you should have thought of that before _not telling me_." Tony's voice has a bitter edge to it that makes Loki's stomach do flip-flops. "But whatever, that's a conversation for later. Just let it out. It's okay." 

So he does. He cries out, wailing softly at each fresh wave of agony that rips through him. Tears prick at the corners of his eyes and he lets them fall, shaking with feverish chills while Tony sits beside him and rubs his back. 

"J, is Thor here?" he faintly hears Tony call at some point to the Ceiling Ghost. 

"Yes, Sir. Mr. Odinson arrived promptly two hours ago. Mr. Laufreyson's body temperature has continued to rise. Shall I task him with fetching cool towels?" 

"Yes, please. Thank you."

"Certainly, Sir." 

"It's alright, Thor's gonna bring some cold towels. That'll help a little bit. I'm so sorry, Snowflake." Loki tries to tell him that it's okay, that he wants this, he _needs_ his magic; but he's not sure that it comes out in any way comprehensible. 

"Friend! I have arrived with the requested-" Thor stops dead in his tracks. " _Loki?_ What has happened?" he exclaims, rushing to the bed. Tony takes the towels from him and quickly lays one across Loki's forehead. 

"It's alright, Thor. He said it's just the effects of that spell. He said he'll be fine." Tony's voice gets a bit higher at the last part.

"I'm okay," Loki chokes out, his throat burning from screaming. Tony shushes him gently. 

"Should I fetch a healer from Asgard?" Thor's voice is shaking. 

"No," Loki rasps, shuddering as another wave of pain hits him. "I'm okay," 

"He's a lot better than he was a few hours ago." Tony murmurs. Thor starts to say something back, but their voices are slowly fading away and he doesn't catch it. The room is blurring, darkening, the corners softening, the shapes of the furniture fading away. Soon the only noise he can hear is the erratic thumping of his heartbeat, and the only thing he can see is three bright white orbs of light in the distance ahead of him. _Is this death?_

It's not what he remembers. He's dipped inside of Helheim plenty of times before. It's always been cold there. Now, he doesn't feel anything at all, save for a sharp spike of pain in his heart. _I don't wish to go yet._

It's the first time he's ever thought those words. 

"Loki Friggason." the angelic voice comes from his head, and not the leading figure in white standing before him now. Loki's eyes widened. _The Norns._

"Dear child, you have suffered so greatly." came the voice of Urd to his left. 

"Am I dead?" 

"No. Just dreaming, child. You have been asleep for a very long time." Verdandi spoke softly. A flare of panic rose in his chest.

" _How_ long?"

"You have been asleep for all your life, child," Urd spoke. "It is the hands of others and the hands of yourself which have kept you as such. You must awaken now."

"I-I don't understand." 

"Do not let go of what you hold." 

"My hands hold nothing," Loki frowned at the tingling appendages. The Norns began to shimmer. 

"That is what you think." Skuld stepped forward, placing her hand on his cheek. "Remember Loki of Asgard, Friggason. _You live and breathe in starfire._ " 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those unaware, the Norns are the three powerful female entities who control and weave fate. Their names are Urd, which means "The Past", Verdandi, which means "What Is Presently Coming into Being", and the third is named Skuld, which means "What Shall Be"


End file.
